Dear Diary :-

I came back from school, ran up the stairs to my room dropped my bags, changed my school uniform washed up, and then i jumped on to the computer to check my email.

i waited for the browser to connect like it was taking forever, my eyes were fixed on the left hand corner where its supposed to show how many new emails I've got. it downloaded alright and i rolled the mouse to the {13 new emails in your inbox} i clicked on that then i scanned the emails for his name. Once, twice, three times and no use.. there's nothing ..

i leaned back, my eyes filled with tears that i refused to acknowledge, ' So what if he hasn't send me a thing !? so what if he forgot all about me ?? i couldn't care any less' i thought to my self.

That scene repeated itself for the past two months ... Two months and there was nothing from him. And each time i would tell myself that i didn't care .. OH but i cared , i cared a lot.

Two weeks later i had a wedding to attend, a wedding of a very dear friend of the family, she was suddenly getting married with no previous notice .. Everything was fast; her engagement, her wedding preparations and at last her wedding itself.

I dolled up for this one special occasion, i stood in the middle of the ballroom trying to spot a familiar face, and as soon as i saw Hanan i made my way to take my seat next to her.

After Greetings and gossiping, and remarks on every girl on the dancing floor. Because basically we never dance in weddings.. Or for that matter we never dance at all.

Then here comes the blow ..

"Soo, i was at my uncle's last night, my mom w om 3ali kano 6al3een together, maskeeen 3ali he was really sick, i guess he had the flu or .. " hanan was explaining

i didn't wait for her to even finish her sentence.

"WHAT , 3ali is BACK ??"

"umm yea .. you didn't know .. shfeech inzain so surprised ?? " she said in complete amazement

i completely forgot that Hanan knows nothing about this summer puppy love if i may call it that, i tried to think of ways to justify my reaction to this piece of news. nothing came across my mind.

"Haa , laa2.. umm .. bas inna i didn't know .. so anyway meta rad ?? "

" Curls .. i wasn't born yesterday .. SPILL and i mean right now "

there was no way out of it .. Soo i spilled .. i poured my heart out, but i tried as much as i can to remain strong ..to hide the emotions that were swelling up inside of me.

" AAAaawwwww, 7adkom laygeen 3ala ba3ath " she commented after i was done

i pinched her arm " Yalla 3ad chub, it's probably nothing , i guess it already ended" i said

"Ouch, Heey you never know, you didn't even see him yet, y9eer 5air this Thursday"

THAT Thursday

it was time. i went to my room to prepare, a little bit earlier than usual. i dragged my desk chair and placed it just in front of my wardrobe, and i threw myself onto it. i kept staring at the over packed wardrobe thinking what should i wear, its been almost three months since the last time i saw him, i must be just gorgeous. it took me about two hours to get ready, i even borrowed my moms designer shoes, and they weren't my size but i managed to keep them on.

i showed up there, my heart beating so hard, it was the only thing i could hear. my stomach was butterflies free for a long time now, but tonight they decided to revisit just in time when our eyes locked.

i was just on my way into the house while he was coming down the stairs, his head was bent down staring at his feet as they made their way down the marble blocks, and as soon as he reached the floor and he adjusted his head to its normal position, his eyes focused on me just opposite of him.

i lowered my head instantly, and for some reason i decided to ignore his presence, for a moment of awkward silence it should've been a moment , 5 seconds at the most, this seemed to take 5 years.

I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him, i wanted to hold his hands and just feel his skin against mine, I wanted to stare in his eyes, smile and just catch up, but then I remembered HE forgot all about me. HE never emailed, he never msgd, he didn't even tell me that he was back.

Suddenly with no further notice, my heart was burning with hatred that was inexplicable. I just wanted to be away from him. So I went on my way not giving him another glance, not even saying hi.

He stood in his place frozen; his eyes followed me up the stairs.

As I walked away from him, I felt something ripping me apart, I wanted to go back, apologize and just say hi, like nothing ever happened. But for a girl with a pride as huge as mine that was not an option.

I managed to go through with the evening not looking at him, not smiling when he caught my eyes, not trying to catch a moment alone with him. And surprisingly I thought that it was working really well.

Until it was time to go home, we were all standing outside in the garden for last minute chit-chats.

I was really tired, just standing next to my mom not really listening to what she’s saying, I tilted my head to the side a bit to rest my neck and looked away for a second.

Then HE gave me a look, a look of longing, yearning, unfulfilled dreams.

And I looked away.

On the way back home, that look was eating me inside out, my tears rolled down my cheeks in complete silence.

And my heart kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer... What the hell happened??

Don't really know why i'm writing this post now ..

I was just studying for an exam i have on Monday, I had a couple of notes on Epilepsy ..
It's types, treatments and all .. so i was trying to understand the types and how each one occur, and i thought there must be something on the internet..

I searched Grand-mal and Absence seizures on YouTube ..
.. i watched them and tears started their way down my cheeks instantly ..

i wanted to write this just to raise awareness .. coz there's many classes of epilepsy .. types that you wouldn't even consider as a disease .. specially those that are common in children ... it's just heart aching .. Early diagnosing can solve the problem easily.

The Grand-mal is the typical kind of seizure when a person get rigid muscles and usually fall to the ground, that would last for minutes and may not breath for up to 30 seconds and then its followed by body convulsions.

The other type , the Absence (petit mal) seizure are more common in children it can be very subtle that no one would actually notice .. it's a brief attention lapse and there might be an act of blinking of the eyelids.

it commonly occurs when the child is talking, conversing or just being busy doing anything and then he'd suddenly stop blink a little and then get back to what he was saying like nothing happened, basically coz he is not aware of what just happened. so you see how its something you'd dismiss easily .. maybe you'd think that he lost attention for a second and that its fairly normal .. well its not .. coz this child is having a seizure.

If this was not diagnosed and treated early .. it could very likely be more serious and more frequent which then will seriously affect their lives.

Watch THIS and THIS Video .. to get an idea

The second video is a really mild and a subtle seizure ... i couldn't see it at first myself but that's why its important that you educate yourself.

The following are typical conversations with my Hubby ..

One Day ...

We're taking a walk in the infamous X-street, the sun is bright and high up, the sky is coloured with the blue-ist shade of blue ... We are perfectly happy and enjoying our walk.

We pass next to a flower stand, i stare longingly at the Roses and Tulips, the lillies and peonies are just a great shade of Pink.

" AAAHhhhh " I Sigh ..

no response on the other side .. hmm

" Honey , see that one over there that's Calla and the other one there these are lillies " trying to get him to crack the code.

"Oh , OK " he responds

"Ee bas be'3ait agoolik , u were asking the other day .. ma kent t3aref tfareg !! " i said bas apparently .. no use still w y6ofna el ward :(

Silence ...

we are still walking .. and yet another flower stand come across our way .. you think its a coincidence ?? i think its a SIGN .. HUH !!

I think to myself as we are approaching the gorgeous tubs of flowers .. should i keep trying to make him understand that i want flowers .. ya3ny ham ba3ad age6 na'3zat .. or should i just be straight forward w agoola Yuba eshtarly ward w 5ALA9 ??

Do i want flowers because i want HIM to give them to me .. or do i just want flowers and period ??

as soon as we come in distance to smell the vibrant scents of the countless combination of sweet coloured blossoms.

I realize that i want FLOWERS and Period .... i couldn't help myself anymore .. " Ya3ny meta ra7 teshtreeely ward ?? " i blurted out

" Haa .. a9lan ana kent bashtreelich ward bas dam enich u asked now it will seem as though i bought flowers just because you asked me to .. which is not the case , i guess i'll just have to buy u flowers another time just so u see that i WANT to .. " he replies

" La walllaaaaa " i protested

" EEee Wallla ..."

"UFFF aby ward "

" ma7ad galich tetkalmain lo mo metkalma chan el7een maska ward ib eedich "

That one day I went back home with empty hands ...


Another Day ...

We are taking another one of our walks .. but this time it's raining this annoying kinda light rain and its windy as well, we had a small break before each one of us have to go back to work.

We just finished lunch, taking a short walk on X-street again, i have a lecture in 30 mins and i have to head back to uni, Aaaand we pass by the flower stand, the cursed flower stand.

" 7abeebty yalla nagay which kinda flowers u want " He said with a huge smile on his face

"What ??? NOW ?? "

" Ee now Yalla "

" i have a lecture in 3o mins .. wain a7e6 el ward inshallah ?? " i asked in disbelief

" kaifich .. bas tara i wanted to buy you flowers .. mo tgoolen ba3ad i didn't offer "

" La wallaa "

" Eeee Walllaa "

And i went back home with empty hands AGAIN


Some Day ....

I was walking alone after i was done with uni .. just drinking coffee, window shopping and taking sometime alone for myself ..

I passed the Lady selling Flowers and thought ' What the heck! I'll get me some flowers ' and i did .. Just that EASY

That Day i went back home with gorgeous Lillies in my hands :D

I arranged my white Pinkish lillies in my blue vase ... and set them by my window then i just sat on the couch and stared.

when He came back home ...

" Laaa2 ... Laish Sheraitay Ward ?? , i was going to buy you some tomorrow "

Oh Well i guess i can never win this flower battle :S

“shga3ed tsaween ihny baba ??” my dad asked me taking a look at 3ali as if acknowledging his presence .

“wala shay baba bas yait a5eth el walkman malee” I answered , my heart was beating fast .. it’s definitely not the time for my dad to find out.

“ umm, ha 3ali wain raye7 ?? ” dad turned to the other side

“ la 3amy bas kent ba6la3 atmasha bara” we both seemed very nervous

I grabbed my walkmen , and gave my dad the keys “be’3ait shay baba ?” I asked

“ Ee aby a5eth el thermos kan bel sayara” he said as he also grabbed it from the driver’s side and he walked with me back to the chalet.

Till this day I’m not sure whether he suspected something or not, all I know is he never talked about it, so I assumed he didn’t hear a thing.

Next week ... the gathering was in our house.

After I helped my mom through dinner going up and down the stairs to bring this and that to the buffet in the basement, I was exhausted. I went up and threw myself on the couch to catch my breath...

‘wain 3ali ?? , I was so busy with the dinner, I haven’t even seen him !! hmm’ I thought to myself

I have a thing .. when I’m in a crowd and I’m surrounded with people, I tend to slack back and take a few minutes for myself to be alone .. Before going back to the social GALA

So I got up and went to the front door .. I opened the door and got out ... I sat on the small balcony in the front porch ... I just stayed there for a couple of minutes thinking of no particular thing...

“ AALLOOO .. ALLOOO , ee asma3ek el7een !! ee gool !!” 3ali said as he got out of the house and closed the door behind him.

He didn’t notice me sitting in the corner, he walked a few steps forward talking with his pal, and when he ended the call and turned around .. HE smiled ..

“ Curls !!! shetsaween ga3da bara ???” HE exclaimed

“Umm ... wala shay” I smiled

He came closer to where I’m sitting and stood right in front of me ..

“Ha how was ur graduation ??” I asked

“ GOOD walla wanasa , 6ela3t ma3a rab3y after the ceremony .. it was fun” he answered

We talked a bit more about random stuff ...

“ so shno m8adem el7een , wain ib tadres??” I asked

“I’m thinking of staying at school for year 12 ..” He said

“9ij !! ZAAIN ..” I was thrilled coz I knew he intended to study abroad , this would mean more time together..

“BAS ..” he started

“BAS what ??”

“oboy ygool a7sanly I start now .. its an advantage for me since I graduated early .. so I thought I would study medicine abroad” He explained

“OH .. but ... but that means .. umm .. “ I wanted to say a lot of things .. I wanted to tell him not to go .. I wanted him to stay here where I could see him every Thursday .. I wanted him near.. but I didn’t say anything “Yeah , that’s great .. you’ve always wanted to be a doctor” I ended my sentence, and forced a smile on my face.

“I already did my papers, bas na6er I get accepted for the scholarship” He said

“aha” I couldn’t reply, I couldn’t talk .. my eyes started stinging so I turned around..

“I have to go now” I said as I pushed the door and went inside.

There was something in me that wanted to stop HIM, he cant go .. he cant leave me here alone .. what am I going to do ??

It was all so fast, I didn’t have the time to take it all in, I would still wake up at the morning thinking that it was all just a dream.

He told me once that he regrets not telling me earlier about his feelings, and it kept me wondering why when it was just perfect, he had to go ?

His date of departure was decided, he was to go in early September .. which leaves us only a few weeks.

And on the last week before he left ..

I was adjusting my 7ijab in the mirror when I heard 3ali’s mom talking

“3ali, wadait el 7ilo 7ag el ryayeel ??” she asked

“ee Yuma”I heard his voice and turned around

“w etha taboon el chay mawjood bel ma6ba5”she said as she headed upstairs

“inshallah” He said as he turned around and motioned to me to follow him

I held my ground as I wondered what he would possibly want with me.

“ta3alay”it was the first time he ever called me

“laish?”I was suspicious now

“ta3alay agoolich”

I slowly made my way to where he was and followed him to the reading room in their house. He stopped there.

He opened a drawer and grabbed a small cream envelope.

“this is for you” He said as he handed it to me without looking into my eyes.

“what is this??”I smiled

Of course I knew what that was, it was a letter for sure, my first love letter.

I ran my fingers through the lap of the envelope; I meant to read it right then.

“la2 egreeha ba3dain, when ur alone” he said, his head still lowered; his shoes suddenly seemed interesting to him :P

“sure” I replied

We had a moment of silence.

“3ali u will keep in touch, wont you?, I mean when u go there”

“I don’t know how its gonna be in there, but I will try as much as I can”

I nodded and went upstairs to place the letter where no one could see it.

The night ended and we said our goodbyes only by stealing glances and stares.

Two days after he left and I felt empty, I felt the wind blowing right through me, I felt drained out of my energy.. I laid in bed and grabbed the small cream envelope from my bed side drawer and read.

‘I know I’m leaving, but you’ll always be with me ... in my heart’

We talked for hours at no end, I stayed on msngr as I never did before , I talked to him about everything , and he was so easy to share stuff with , I wouldn’t think twice about what I would say .. it was the most natural thing in the world to be with HIM.

Yet everything was innocent , all we ever did was just chat, and steal glances at gatherings , we had to be careful not to show anything ... coz after all we ARE cousins .

I thought a lot about this situation, our situation, its much more complicated than if I had a relationship with someone I didn’t know.

Being family made it extra hard to express my feelings, I’d think a thousand times before I made a move. Being family meant that he’ll be around me for the rest of my life considering how close our family is.

Questions were always a matter of what will happen now? To where will this leads US? What IF it ended? How will it end? Will it be UGLY ??

I knew how complicated it can get because I know 7anan !

Hanan got to know a guy from obviously something called the internet :S her relationship evolved into mobiles and eventually seeing each other every now and then.

To be honest I never thought that her relationship would work , not for a minute and I tried to tell her but she refused to listen, she was holding on to him and maybe at some point so was he. She went through a lot of drama and I had to be there for her.

But Hanan’s story is a whole other story.

Anyway .. my thoughts of US never escaped my head, on one hot summer Thursday we decided we should gather in the chalets.

I was walking with Esraa; one of my younger cousins .. She basically have a crush on every single guy she ever saw in her life ... including 3ali.

Esraa is the kind of girl who takes life so easily, her main interest is talking about school and guys, she’s funny and she has the most peculiar laugh, I for some reason always connected that to her being overweight.

“ GOOOLay , goolay el 9ij , 3umrech ma 7abaitay a7ad”esraa was enthusiastic about her attempts to unveil my mysterious love life.

“Esraa2oo CHUB 3aad” I answered smiling

“come on , u have to have someone”

“3aaaib, I don’t have anyone, w 7ata lo I do why would I tell you ??” I teased

“Chathaaaabaaa .. a9lan ana adry mno t7been !!” ya3ny betsa7eb 7achy mny

“9ij !! yalla mno ??” I said as I was kicking around a pebble with my foot

“hatha elly jedamich” and she laughed her one of a kind laugh

I lifted my head to see who she was talking about and I saw 3ali walking towards us and he smiled one of those smiles that would send my heart to the top of my head, I lowered my head instantly.

“la ba3ad yebtesemlich .. aGoool haaaay tara hatha 7agyy mo ashufech tgarbeen 9oooba “ and she started laughing so hard

‘If only she knew’ I thought :P

She then pulled me to the house ..

“Curls ta3alay baroo7 el ‘3orfa ... entay ogfay 3nd el bab”

“sh3ndich ??”

“tell u later !” She said as she got into the room and slammed the door behind her

I waited for her outside, I rested on a couch nearby... not more than 5 seconds later the door opened and 3ali came in and he threw himself on an armchair opposite of me. He then just looked at me and smiled.

I always wondered how come he never talked; he always smiled at me and waited for me to start up a conversation... was he that confident of himself ??

“laish ga3ed broo7ek, why aren’t you with the other guys??” I asked

“bas ta3ban, male 5elg” He smiled again

I lowered my head a bit as a moment of silence passed

“Curls .. be’3aitay tgoolen shay 7agy the other day while we were chatting on msngr?? What was it ??” he had a puzzled look on his face

“ma athker” I lied

Of course I remember, a few days back we were chatting on msn and I had a moment of weakness maybe, when I wanted to tell him how much I’m in love with him, OH yes I LOVE him !! luckily my mom was calling me at the same time so I didn’t get to finish what I was saying .. the only thing he read is ‘I have something to tell you , but I don’t know how .....’

“embala , you said that u wanted to tell me something bas ba3dain u had to go !!”he was dying to know.

“UMMmm”I pretended I was trying to remember .. well I was thinking if I should tell him.. if it was the time or was it too early

He was still looking at me when I blurted out “well .. I don’t JUST like you”

I didn’t wait for his reaction, I didn’t even look at his face, coz simply I’m the kind of girls that prefer running to confronting :S, so I opened the door to the room and shoved myself inside at the same time when Esraa screamed and cursed me .. obviously she was changing her clothes :P

The evening progressed with me trying to avoid him and him following me trying to talk to me, I tried as much as I can not to look him in the eyes and at the same time I managed to always stay amongst a huge group of girls so he wouldn’t have the courage to approach me.

After dinner I decided I should take a walk on the beach alone .. just to clear my head, so before I did that I had to go and pick up my walkman (sha5baree :P I still have it though, he he ) so I started my way towards my dad’s Yukon and as I opened the door and climbed inside I heard the sound of approaching footsteps, I rummaged through my stuff trying to get my hands on my walkman as fast as I can to get back to the chalet when I heard someone calling my name ....

“Curls !!”

“haah” I answered as I turned my head around to see who was it, it was 3ali

“I feel the same way about you too” he said

Just at that same moment my dad showed up out of nowhere !!!

WoW , i know i know ... 7ady nesait my blog ... bas walla it's not me .. men awal ma 6abait il kuwait w i've been sooo busy .. a list of what i've been doing lately ...

• Awal shay akeed .. lazem aroo7 bait oboy 3ashan atnaga3 3nd omy w akel a7la mechabees .. w a5areb el rejeem ... w ashba3 mangooo :P

• thany shay .. family gatherings .. cant complain w cant skip those or i'd be killed

• thirdly ;) .. those social obligations elly i hate ... wa7da wledat .. wa7da tzawejat .. wa7da tawha skenat bait yeded .. 3roos esti8balat ma t5ale9 ... w my mom kil youm la7gatny adry mno yes2al 3anich ... wlazem tzoooreen madry mno .. w kilhom men ahalha .. w 3aylat omy mashallah ne9 il kuwait :S

• ba3dain .. eyee my turn ... aby adesh gym .. coz my DAD elly ohwa oboy .. elly ib 7yata w 3omra ma tkalam 3an wazny .. gally i'm FAT :O .. soo extreme measures should be taken .. w i joined el gym w i did lose weight i think :S .. I'm not sure bas a7es 5agait shway
  

• umm what else ... Eeee .. she8ety el 3azeeza .. matrooosa '3bar .. ba3d el tan'6eef el shamel lazem i stock it with junk food .. w after that comes el ta3deelat .. from changing light bulbs to checking on the A/C

• Shopping , Shopping , Shopping .. need i say more ;)
  

sooo sheftaw shkither I've been busy , let alone all the other stuff i wanted to do w lail7een haven't found the time :s

P.s .. I'll get back to posting inshallah ASAP
w madry laish ilyoum 3ajbatny el alwan :P

Just an updated note: The following happened the weekend Just after the msngr night (Part 9), i was almost 16 years old at that time.

I opened my eyes .. and took a glance at my bed side digital clock.. its 6.30am i haven't slept at all and now i have to go to school.

i contemplated the idea of playing sick to stay at home, maybe I'd say i have a bad stomach ache or a headache .. both are very believable .. my mom wouldn't suspect a thing. i dismissed the idea as i remembered that i have a physics class .. and I'm sure that if i missed one I'll be clueless through out the whole week ..

So i got up, washed up and got dressed.

At school .. i couldn't concentrate on anything that came out from the teachers lips .. i kept remembering the conversation i had with him .. and every now and then I'd smile to myself.

that state of me lasted for a couple of days, i was always thinking , never paying attention and day dreaming almost half of the time.
but don't get me wrong this thing never affected my life in anyway .. i was still me only with a HUGE secret.
i wanted to tell someone , i wanted to speak , i didn't care how i just needed to get this thing off of my chest.. but i couldn't .. HE's not just any guy .. HE's my cousin

" mama wain el yam3a hal esboo3 .. ?? " i asked

"bait 3amech 3abdallah " she answered still occupied with checking my little sis homework.

After the the Prayers, My dad told us to get ready to go to my Uncle's house for dinner. we'd all hurry to our rooms each picking something to wear and my dad would still be sitting in his place waiting for us .. not dressed ... and just when were about to finish he'd get up and go get dressed in less than 2 mins .. amazing huh?!

**

I got out of the car, helped my little sister out and then waited for my mother , so I would walk inside with her.

I heard my uncle’s voices , they were sitting in the garden outside.

I wasn’t ready to see HIM yet , something huge has happened and now nothing is ever gonna be the same again, he’s probably sitting there with my uncles waiting for me to show up .. but I cant .. my heart was beating fast now and my face was all red .. I was so nervous that by just taking a look at me you’d know there’s something wrong.

“Curls yalla deshay ” my mom nudged

“Kany mama el7een” I said as I carried the plate of hot lasagna and hurried inside after my mom


As soon as I crossed the wooden gate I scanned the whole place and took a deep breath when I realised he wasn’t there , strangely I was relieved.

I said my hellos to my uncle’s, kissing them on their heads, laughing at their little jokes and answering their Questions about what have I brought for dinner, and who have actually made it..
to no one’s surprise it wasn’t me for sure !!


I went to where my mom was sitting and told her that I’m going inside the house to drop the plate in the kitchen and then I’m going to see where are my cousins?

“el banat ga3deen ib ‘3orfat sara , ro7ay da5el entay” my uncle’s wife soon answered my Query


I went inside the house , expecting to see him at every corner, I opened the door and looked behind it just to make sure that there will be no surprises.

I made my way to the kitchen and peaked at first, to see if he’s not there before I gave the plate to the maids and recited my instructions on where to keep it and what to do with it.

Then I took a deep breath and went up the stairs, as I was taking my shoes off to step into the living room ...


“ 9ale7 !! 3ame m7ammad ma ra7 eyee elyoum ?? “ I heard HIS voice asking one of my cousins about my father.

I stopped in my tracks , Oh My God


“ Embala they’re already here !! I just saw Curls ta7at” 9ale7 replied


I stood there in my place for a couple of seconds thinking of what to do, I cant see him now . then on an impulse I stepped into the living room and raced my way to Sara’s room, Yep I practically RAN .. I took a glance at him and saw him smiling at me.

During that night .. we'd steel glances at each other, smiling when no one is paying attention.

My heart fluttered every time i turned my head and saw HIM staring at me across the room, and each time we came face to face I'd feel butterflies in my stomach as i lower my head and walk away.

I went to sleep that night .. thinking SO THIS IS LOVE !!!

That's IT ... we9alt 7addy .. I'm really TIRED .

Tired of Studying

Tired of here

Tired of the weather

Tired of being alone

Tired of staying at my apartment all day .. all alone

Tired of the rain

Tired of people

Tired of my Stupid major

Tired of TV

Tired of my Computer .. elly mjableta 24 hrs

Tired of my whole life ..

Its been raining here for a whole week ... and its making everything else sooo much worse ... ya3ny inshallah meta y9eer el 9aaaif .. 6oool el sena shetaaa :@ ... meta ashooof el shams ... AAAHHH GOD ... i miss KUWAIT

I Miss My MOM

I Miss My sisters

I Miss My room

I Miss Me doing nothing

I Miss the SUN

I Miss the A/C for some reason

I Miss the streets

I Miss the malls

I Miss My little fridge back in my KWTs apartment .. the one that is always empty .. except for KDDs pink orange juice.

I Miss KDD

I Miss Kraft jebin gla9aat

I Miss My bed

I Miss 9amoon falafel :S

I Miss My KUWAIT

15th May, 2005
Sunday, 2 am


I woke up, my breaths were shallow, my heart was beating so fast it was the only sound i could hear.

i had a dream.. that in seconds was about to come true .. but at that moment i had no idea

i stayed up in bed for about an hour .. shifting and rolling .. i couldn't get back to sleep.

so i get up and sat on my desk , turned on my computer and sat there waiting for it to start.
i signed on my msn .. a couple of my friends were online

i wasnt in the mood to chat .. and i knew i wasnt supposed to be up this late .. plus i have school tomorrow ..

i just sat there .. staring at the monitor .. i was thinking of the dream i had .. i smiled to myself
my eyes were tired yet my mind refused to give in .. so i closed my eyes to rest them for a minute.

*msn msg alert*

i open my eyes to see the little window that just appeared on the bottom right corner of my desktop.


3ali : what are you doing up so late ?


me: just chatting with my friends ...


3ali: this LATE


me: ya3ny why is it OK for you to be staying up this late w ana la2 ??


3ali: i'm a guy :P


me: laaa walla


3ali: loool


me: shtabee ??


3ali: walashay :D


me: Okay


*** Silence for a couple of minutes ***

3ali: Curls ??


me: yea !!


3ali: i wanna ask you something personal !


me: sure, Go ahead.


3ali: if you dont wanna answer , thats fine !


me: umm gool shnoo ?


3ali: Who is ur crush ??


i was surprised !! Hell No i was SHOCKED
my mind suddenly felt heavy, Each word invaded my brain and i couldnt think anymore.. something inside me was urging me to tell him 'Curls this ur chance , just tell him how much you're in love with him' but something else held me back 'Why is he asking me this?? does he know something??'

me: Who told inna i have a crush ??!!

3ali: everyone does

me: well 7ata lo i do , why would i tell you ?

3ali: come on .. tell mee.. i'll tell you who i had a crush on!

OK that's something i really want to know .. but would that mean that i'm willing to put myself in a compromising situation !!

me: mabee ..

3ali: Allah y5aleech :(

I thought about it , and i thought about it more .. more ... and some more
maybe i should tell him !!

me: OK

3ali: :D

me: ....

3ali: YALLA

me: remember in malaysia .. when ur sister read my diaries ??

3ali: Yea i doo

me: Do you know what she read ??

3ali: Nooo ... what does that have to do with this ??? :S

me : weell , she read inna i had a crush on YOU

i pushed the enter button then i stood up .. and got away from my computer ... i had no idea what was the consequences of me telling my cousin, my very close cousin, the one i see every week in my family's get-togethers .. that i actually had a crush on him ...

i was sweating even though my room was freezing .. my heart was beating faster than it ever did .. and i felt this blinding pain in my forehead .. what have i done !!

to defend myself .. i used the word HAD to indicate the PAST .. which means that i have only told him that i had once liked him .. that doesn't necessarily mean that i like him NOW .. even though I'm practically in love with him.

i slowly stepped Back to my computer ...

3ali: OH MY GOD !!!!!!

3ali: mn 9ijech ??

3ali: Since Malaysia ???

3ali: that was like what ... 3 years agoo !!

me: SHUT UP ( i didnt wanna hear anymore ... yuba 3erafna ur surprised!! w obviously u dnt feel the same way.. i almost cried ... laish geltla .. shloan a6el ib wayha ba3ad kel hatha)

3ali: Thats when I had a crush on YOU

My eyes grew wide, my heart skipped several beats, and i forgot to breath.

3ali: Dont you remember?? .. i used to follow you everywhere you went ?? i stole glances at you when you were sitting with the girls ?? God i did some stupid stuff.

me: nooo i dont remember .. ( i was still shocked)

we chatted for an hour .. he told me all bout that crush he HAD on me .. and vice versa

i went back to bed that night for sure .. but sleep didn't find it's way back to me.

I mentioned before a friend that literally stabbed me in the back; in addition to that this ex-friend is trying to lead a campaign against me to advertise the made up fact that I AM a horrible person.

to my advantage i have ignored every attempt that she made to pick up a fight with me, i ignored every rude remark she made , and every silly thing she tried to provoke me with.

i simply just turned my back on her and went on my way.

i thought to myself that day, it's true, ma7ad befeedikom '3air ur family.
they are the ones that truly care about you, they are the ones that get upset when ur upset, and happy when ur happy, when you accomplish something they are proud of you, and when you fail they will be there for you to make you stand up, push you and cheer for you.

so i thought OMG .. i had a fight with Hanan last semester and we havnt talked since then ( for those who dont know and havnt read my story, Hanan is my cousin and my best friend as long as i can remember )

i felt bad, i know we both did bad stuff, we both are the most stubborn two in the whole family and we both refuse to admit our mistakes.

Every one in the family tried to make us net9ala7 , but no one has ever gotten through to us.

I made a decision ... thats it .. she's family ... el dam 3omra ma y9eer maaay .. 9a7 ??

i'll call her .. w i did ... w 6aaaa7 el 7a6ab .. GOD i'm so PROUD of myself :D

SOO , i just came back from a short break at this PLACE .. i had a great time , except i didnt get to do some shopping .. to my husbands delight .. *Hmmm* :P

Anyway .. so in the way back ..

i settled in my chair on the plane , as i waited for HIM to put the bag in place .. we chatted a bit over how great was the trip and how much we needed to get away from the studying environment , that unfortunately we have to get back to as soon as we set foot in No-Mans-Land.

The plain took off and i felt a bit tired .

"ummm ... abyy anaaam " i started whining

" namay !! " HE smiled

" mo daye5 enta ?? "

" La2 .. " HE said

" agoolik shay tsawee wana nayma ?!! " smiling devilishly ;)

" shno ?? "

i picked up my purse from under the seat, and rummaged through it , i got a paper pad and a pen , flipped his table open , placed the pad and pen on it .

" write me a love letter " i said with the widest smile ever

" Laaaaaa Walla , sorry NO , 5ala9 aby anaaam " HE tried to duck the inevitable :P

" Come oooon .. allah y5aleek "

" a9lan ma a3aref shloan " HE pleaded innocent

" YES you DO .. u did it once , you can do it again "

" OKAY , okay 5alaa9 yalla namay " HE gave up

mo geltlokom inevitable :P ..

so i took his hoodie fluffed it into the perfect pillow and adjusted myself on the seat to prepare to sleep.

and i slept .... for about 10 mins ... THEN i decided to take a peak

AND GUESS WHAT I SAW !!

He was so overwhelmed by the task i gave HIM, that he was completely lost

there he was sitting, his back arched to the table .. two papers were torn out of the pad, two others were on one side of the table and then there was the pad he was writing on ..

He was actually making points of what he's going to write on a paper, then copying it to his letter , then he'd scratch the point off of the two papers ..

that looked extremely funny , and i had no idea how i managed not to laugh.

i pretended to be asleep for the rest of the time and when he finished .. i opened my eyes and pretended to wake up :P he gave me the pad and told me not to read it until we're back home.

when we got home . . . i read it and then i told him that i was actually watching him while he was writing it .. and how he was making all these notes and points about what he should write and how to write it ..

Needless to say ... he swore he'll never write me a love letter again .. :S LOL

I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason i got so worked up about it.

I was so affected by the movie that i even forgot that HE is sitting next to me, i was so intensely drawn to the concept of the movie that i even forgot to hold HIS hand, i was completely overwhelmed by the actors and the scenes that i even forgot to lay my head on HIS shoulder. and believe me I do NOT forget these stuff, it's actually the one and only reason why i go to the cinema with HIM !!

*
The thing is that the concept the story was built on is soo REAL. the movie talks about how women interpret every word a guy says, every move, every look.
women tend to look behind the scenes for meanings that weren't actually intended by the guy... if you know what i mean , they read between the lines when there is actually nothing to read.

Let's make one thing clear ... i never ever believed that a man can actually be in love utterly and completely ... But i was proven wrong .. and to correct that i have to say this.


Men DO Love , but in their own kinda weird, cold , subtle, elusive way. It's SICK

after making that statement i also will have to say that i never have felt that what a women feels when having a crush, when taking a like to someone or when falling in love was ever even a considerable feeling that a man would ever possibly feel.

Women love with all their might, with all their being, with body and soul.

When we fall in love, we look for signs, we interpret words, we try to decode body language and understand the meanings that rest behind the smiles.

BUT

The truth is , with men there is nothing to interpret, nothing to decode or understand.
You'd want to think that when he smiles at you ...... that maybe there's a chance ... a teeny weeny chance that he might actually likes you , that he might care about you or that you are a matter of interest to him ...

BEEEEB WRONG ANSWER

NOOOO ,,, He just smiled ... nothing to interpret, no sign there .... Don't you even dare ... HOPING !!!

They [ the Guys ] might be right ... why do we need signs, why do we need mysteries ??


The Questions is ... WHY ?

Why do we put ourselves into this endless agony ???

Why do we make a THING of every thing ??!!

Why don't WE make it simple ??


Maybe we just need to .. maybe these are the spices that without, life would be tasteless. maybe this is what keeps us going at the end of the day, no matter how much it might hurt.


On a side note MEN SUCK :P

it's weird how sometimes you think you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, you can open up to, share stuff with, study with , go shopping... you practically do everything with. You think that this person might actually be PERFECT.

But Hey , no body is Perfect right ?

So there have to be a catch, and even though you sooo don't want to admit that, and you may even convince yourself that maybe this person is different, you eventually get THE WAKE UP CALL, THE SMACK ON YOUR HEAD, THE SWITCH TO YOUR BRAIN.. and that is my friends is one situation that throws you off your guard and shows you the true colours of THE SO CALLED PERFECT FRIEND.

unfortunately I'm currently experiencing one of these impostors.

and to be honest that is the first i had so far, I'm probably gonna have more of them, but I'm still dumbfounded by this one.

so the moral of the story ..

• Dont trust péople , coz people suck ( exclusions apply)
• Friends are never perfect, if they are ... go find another one. coz YOU my friend have been PUNKED.
• What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, so learn from your mistakes

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I know , I know this post SUX , but hey thats LIFE , right ?
anyway i'll try to get back on tracks with the blogging.. C Y'ALL LATER