it started with a simple childhood crush, when every girl i knew had the hots for some singer or actor i looked for more.

i am a dreamer but i manage to plant my feet in the ground, i refuse to go about day dreaming, i refuse to wish for things that are waay out of my reach. i refuse to let myself be disappointed.

i saw him every week, he was always there, missing not one gathering, he was social and every one liked his personality, he always managed to make me laugh, and he was sarcastic about everything, and to be honest i never saw him serious about anything.

i liked him, i liked his silly comments, i laughed at his jokes, i liked him being around, but i never realized that i liked him even more until we all went on a summer vacation to Malaysia.

there was something about him that draws me so close to him, his eyes, his smile .. he had control over me like no one ever did.. but i refused to admit it.

i told no one how much i was drawn to him not even my closest and bestest friend, Hanan my cousin.

HE is my cousin, he treats me no more different than he treats his only sister!!
What am i doing?? what am i thinking?? i have to stop this NOW

i failed miserably, he had a magnetic Field around him that just kept pulling me closer and closer to him, i had no way of defending myself, i could not resist.

for the 3 weeks of our vacation, my eyes followed him everywhere, i could not stop thinking about him, and i wrote all about him in my diary before i go to sleep each night.

it was innocent, just a little girl having her first taste of a summer crush, nothing worth mentioning.

until one night,

i was extremely tired after a long day of activities, ranging from mountain climbing, to jungle walks to trips to some farms. i retired to my bed early, leaving the girls playing UNO cards alone and walked to my room, i was extremely tired so i went to sleep without a worry in the world

the next morning i woke up energized ready for the day ahead that was filled with more activities that i hoped for.

i washed up, got dressed and got ready to leave my room for breakfast, the phone rang.. as usual my cousins would call so we could meet up in the breakfast hall.

"Aloo !! "Hanan's voice came through.

"Haa, tara I'm ready ka ba6la3" i said not waiting for her to state why she's calling.

" OK , inzain curls i need to talk to you about something"

"shno laish?? " i always feel anxious when hearing these words.

"entay ta3alay my room I'll tell you "

"OK 2 mins bas a9ik jan6ity w agfelha w I'm coming" i ended the conversation.

my stomach started to hurt, i hate this feeling , i prepared myself for the worse, i wasn't thinking anymore when i grabbed my stuff and started throwing them in, i grabbed my diary and placed it on top of my clothes before closing my suitcase.

i grabbed the keys to my room and went on my way to Hanan's room.

i knocked the door, she opened almost immediately, her sisters with which she shared her room were already out to breakfast.

"Ha sh3indech??? "i asked as i sat on a chair.

"Curls ... ams after we finished playing UNO we were talking about guys and we mentioned 3ali and a7mad, we were arguing about who was more handsome "she said while looking straight into my eyes.

"Okaaaaaaay !!! w ba3daaaain " i didn't understand what she's getting at.

" well , we talked a while about them ba3dain we asked saroo if she knows if 3ali has a crush on any one in school, or if he likes any girl or something "she just stopped and looked at me. Sara is 3ali's and ahmad's only sister, and being the only girl in a family of 5 boys she always tends to be a bit boyish until after much grooming she finally became a refined lady.

i was confused beyond recognition, i didn't know what's going to happen , i didn't know what's she's getting at, i couldn't even figure or predict what words are coming out of her mouth next.

"sarooo said enna she doesn't think inna he likes any one but she knows that someone likes him"she looked at my eyes again as if she's waiting for them to respond to what she's implying.

i was still silent ...

" well .. galat inna you like 3ali "she blurted at once at stood there silent waiting for me

my heart raced', my breath became shallow 'No .. NO .. no one is supposed to know' i thought, my mind wasn't functioning properly my brain suddenly shut down.

i looked at her .. " w on what bases did she made this conclusion? "i tried to seem calm.

"well she said inna she read ur diaries .. aand ... "

i didn't wait for her to finish i heard enough, i was bubbling with anger, my insides were burning, not because Sara said that i like 3ali, but simply because she dared to invade my privacy.

" shnooo ?? she read my diary ??? how dare she ?? " i yelled ..

Hanan was taken aback, she was too close to me to be alarmed by my raised voice .. she pretended to lower my voice as u would do to a tv, then simply said " bas u dont like 3ali,, right ??"

i hesitated a second but managed to overcome the river of thoughts flowing in my head. " of course not " i replied, but still angry, i couldn't stay there any more ..

my voice started to crack and my tears were on their way to my eyes and i had to go .. i had to run .. so i headed towards the door and walked away..

" ma tabeen tetrayegain ?? " Hanan called after me..

" la2 baroo7 '3orfety .. " i answered while slamming the door

it was a corridor between my room and hers .. i ran through it tears trailing on my cheeks, thinking of nothing ... and guess who just happened to be standing just opposite of my room..

YUP .. HIM ,, 3ali

he looked and me .. his face puzzled ... i looked at him ... drowning with my own tears..

" Curls shfeeech ?? " he gaped at me

" walashay " i unlocked the door and got in, not giving him a chance to even have a second look at me.

i threw myself at the bed, crying my eyes out .. i didn't know what to do ... i just cried and cried. then i went over to my bag and grabbed my diary .. i opened it and started tearing every page that had his name on it ..

Knock ... knock .. knock

" Curls ba6lay el bab , it's me Hanan "

" mabe .. GO AWAY "

" Curls yala 3aad , u can talk to me "

" mabe .. call my sister , i wanna talk to her "

Ala2 my older sister was much more than just a sister, she was a younger mother if that would make sense. i trusted her to make the right decisions for me when i didn't know what path should i choose.

a couple of minutes later , ala2 came and got in the room. she sat next to me on the bed ..
" haa , shfeech ?? what happened "
i told her everything except for the part that it's true that i like 3ali, and when she asked i shook my head denying it.

" Curls dont lie, i know you do " somehow she knew a lot of things i never told anyone.
" but it's nothing, i just like him .. shno ya3ny it's wrong ?? " i protested.
she laughed at me " i'll go talk to sara w ayeech ba3d shway .. ok" she said as she stood to leave the room. i just nodded

she came back telling me that sara just made that up w that she never read my diary.

" 3ayal why did she say that ?? " i didnt understand.
" ga3ed tet7arash feech .. yalla gomay tara el ba9 na6erna ta7at .. w 3mame ygoolon la tet25eroon .. warana a whole day of ta3ab " she smiled

i got up and prepared to go out yet again, decided that i should not talk to sara until she apologizes , which she did .. w everything went smoothely afterwards ..

HE never knew what happened , he only knew that i cried coz his nosy sister read my diary, he never even asked what she read or said.