i close my eyes in the hope that all of this is just a glimpse of a dream that i never will be able to remember after i slowly start opening my eyes.

i want this whole Crap to disappear coz i simply cant take another second of it , i don't want to realize that after walking miles and miles in this pitch black tunnel i still cant find the light at the end.

the forest of thoughts that started forming in my head was beginning to scare me, the branches are getting tangled and the roots are tightening on my nerves, I'm feeling numb, my body cant seem to bring itself to make a move, my lips cant utter a word and my heart is dead with all the darkness.

i can feel my brain swelling with failed ideas to get out of this misery, i can feel it getting bigger and bigger, yet there's no way out, there's not one simple way to relieve me of this huge burden I'm carrying on my shoulders.

i tried, i honestly tried walking in every direction, searching in every corner, staring at every face but none seemed interested in giving me the answers, should i always have to suffer? should i always have to witness the pages of my success flying away from me.

I walk after them , i sprint, i run ... but they're gone.. and I'm left with the ruins of my once perfectly drawn life.

i stand here now with a heart that can no longer pumps the blood through this weak body; that can no longer endure the winds of the hardships; that can no longer stand against the waves of this sea of depression.

~Depressed~ Obviously

The next couple of posts are going to be out of my diary, resembling the most important events over the years, but first a short post about ME at the time.


7 years ago,

I stayed in bed staring at the digital clock at my bed side table it was 11.53pm, every minute that passed seemed to take a year, time was passing very slowly. Eventually I gave up and laid on my back, stared at the ceiling instead and thought about the lyrics of the latest hit backstreet boys single, I tried to sing it but I have totally forgot the tune and ended up laughing at myself, I turned again to face the clock it was 11.58 now, a smile crept on my face as I waited for the last 2 minutes to pass, not so long after, the big clock in the living room played its usual song and I sprang out of bed to my sisters room next to mine, I jumped on her bed and yelled “I’m twelve , I’m twelve finally”.

I don’t know what was so special about turning twelve it’s not like I’m turning eighteen and getting my driving license, or turning twenty and kissing goodbye the teenage years , all I know is that I remember that day so vividly because in that day as a birthday resolution I decided to start a diary.

And so my adventures started, at first I had no idea what to write , I had nothing worth mentioning in such a precious diary, but with the days and years that followed this diary became full of words, full of events, full of ME.

I was only 12, nothing in life mattered much, my life revolved around school, home and most importantly the family gatherings every weekend. I am blessed with a huge close family you see, that’s why the best time of the week was when I reunited with my cousins to laugh, play and talk about everything going on in our lives.

“ambaaai , did you see the new BSB video it’s great” hanan exclaimed

Hanan is my closest cousin she is 3 years older than me but we were the best of friends, We did everything together, sometimes we even tried to buy the same clothes so we would be identical we told each other everything and anything.

“waaaai3 7ananooo , it’s silly !! ” I’d reply.

Backstreet boys, N’sync and Westlife was what we lived for obviously, I wasn’t Oh-so-charmed by them but I guess I followed the trend at that time.

My dearest cousin had a crush in every 2 weeks on one of the boys in one of the bands, she’d go on and on for endless hours about a dream she had about one of them or about the lyrics of one of the songs and how she thinks it resembles her feelings or whatever.

I was always the quiet person, I was the good listener and I listened to her happily and no complaining involved.