You're alone, You're thinking what brought you here, You're wondering is IT worth leaving your family and living in the middle of nowhere ??!

where you spend most of your nights alone, switching the channels of your TV hoping something good is on, or shifting in bed at night after you saw that horror movie and you cant sleep, or maybe just a bad dream that woke you up in the midst of the creepy night?

Do you feel IT is worth it, when you get out of Uni after a long day and you get back to an empty apartment where you dont even have something decent to eat, the fridge is empty and you end up eating a pot of yogurt while facing your damn TV.

Is IT worth it, when at the weekend you find yourself roaming the streets alone, not knowing where to go or what to do.

It's frustraing I tell you, living here in the middle of nowhere, the only rock that i have to lean on , the only shoulder that i have to cry on, the only arms that i have to hold me at night .. is HIM .. but sometimes He's not there, sometimes He's just not available, sometimes He's away ... and that's when i crash, that's when the ghosts haunt me at night, thats when life seems to get harder and the universe seems to get heavier.

I'm sick, my whole body aches, my throat is sore and my head is killing me... i need my mum, i need to lay my head on her chest and feel safe and good, i need her to stroke my hair so i could feel better, i need her to make me a glass of hot milk and honey to soothe my throat. i want her to come check at me while i'm sleeping at night just to make sure i'm ok, i want her to kiss my head when i'm asleep ... coz just right then the whole world seems to open up infront of me and i wouldn't feel so bad.

There's something about Moms that no one can ever replace, no matter how hard they try no matter what they do ... my mum just do it BEST.

Mummy i miss you :( , life here in the middle of nowhere SUX

Summer 2000

We all went to Europe (WE includes: my mom, dad, siblings, my 3 closest uncles, all my cousins, and of course our family friends). Oh and Europe means Germany and Austria ... He he :P
It was amazing, fun and simply incredible. it's great to be able to cut loose a bit from my siblings and instead be with my cousins.

well, i cant babble alot about the whole trip coz it almost took a month, but i sure can take a stroll around Memory lane for a few minutes.

First week...
we landed in Munich, Germany.
it took us about 30 mins to get to the hotel, i only remember that i was extremely tired from the flight and as soon as we got there and my dad and uncles went to the reception to get the rooms, i simply just threw myself on one couch and trailed to my dream land , i barely remember someone waking me up and taking me to my room that i shared with my beloved older sister.

when we took a considerable amount of rest we went for a walk at night in the silent streets of Munich, we had dinner at McDonalds, then went back to the hotel for a fresh day. i remember at the walk back we saw a couple kissing on a bridge .. and we would all turn around as we passed them to see .. w our moms yelled at us :P he he

The first week was busy, from salt mines, to the zoo, to ice caves, to Hitler's weapon factory, to a lot of places i cant remember.

Second week...

we took a bus ride to Austria, the ride there was fun especially when we crossed germany and they had us stand on the borders , when there was only a line drwan on the ground that seperated the two countries.
i had one foot in Germany and the other in Austria ... now who had been in two places at the same time, Huh ??? :D

In Austria we went to a great little country town, that was for relaxation, but us kidz didnt like the doing nothing thing, so we went roll-skating, mini-golf, and the best of all staying late at night playing UNO cards. Oh and there was this one place where we went up a mountain by the telepherique (or telefreak !! :P) and got down sliding on a cart , it was extremely FUN.

Third week ...

we went to vienna for shopping, the time for our moms to get what they were waiting for so patiently :P

and by that time we were all so eager to get back home... and so we did.
what did all that have to do with my story??! well simply that i got much closer to my cousins.

sooo.. nothing happened in Summer 2000 :D

i close my eyes in the hope that all of this is just a glimpse of a dream that i never will be able to remember after i slowly start opening my eyes.

i want this whole Crap to disappear coz i simply cant take another second of it , i don't want to realize that after walking miles and miles in this pitch black tunnel i still cant find the light at the end.

the forest of thoughts that started forming in my head was beginning to scare me, the branches are getting tangled and the roots are tightening on my nerves, I'm feeling numb, my body cant seem to bring itself to make a move, my lips cant utter a word and my heart is dead with all the darkness.

i can feel my brain swelling with failed ideas to get out of this misery, i can feel it getting bigger and bigger, yet there's no way out, there's not one simple way to relieve me of this huge burden I'm carrying on my shoulders.

i tried, i honestly tried walking in every direction, searching in every corner, staring at every face but none seemed interested in giving me the answers, should i always have to suffer? should i always have to witness the pages of my success flying away from me.

I walk after them , i sprint, i run ... but they're gone.. and I'm left with the ruins of my once perfectly drawn life.

i stand here now with a heart that can no longer pumps the blood through this weak body; that can no longer endure the winds of the hardships; that can no longer stand against the waves of this sea of depression.

~Depressed~ Obviously

The next couple of posts are going to be out of my diary, resembling the most important events over the years, but first a short post about ME at the time.


7 years ago,

I stayed in bed staring at the digital clock at my bed side table it was 11.53pm, every minute that passed seemed to take a year, time was passing very slowly. Eventually I gave up and laid on my back, stared at the ceiling instead and thought about the lyrics of the latest hit backstreet boys single, I tried to sing it but I have totally forgot the tune and ended up laughing at myself, I turned again to face the clock it was 11.58 now, a smile crept on my face as I waited for the last 2 minutes to pass, not so long after, the big clock in the living room played its usual song and I sprang out of bed to my sisters room next to mine, I jumped on her bed and yelled “I’m twelve , I’m twelve finally”.

I don’t know what was so special about turning twelve it’s not like I’m turning eighteen and getting my driving license, or turning twenty and kissing goodbye the teenage years , all I know is that I remember that day so vividly because in that day as a birthday resolution I decided to start a diary.

And so my adventures started, at first I had no idea what to write , I had nothing worth mentioning in such a precious diary, but with the days and years that followed this diary became full of words, full of events, full of ME.

I was only 12, nothing in life mattered much, my life revolved around school, home and most importantly the family gatherings every weekend. I am blessed with a huge close family you see, that’s why the best time of the week was when I reunited with my cousins to laugh, play and talk about everything going on in our lives.

“ambaaai , did you see the new BSB video it’s great” hanan exclaimed

Hanan is my closest cousin she is 3 years older than me but we were the best of friends, We did everything together, sometimes we even tried to buy the same clothes so we would be identical we told each other everything and anything.

“waaaai3 7ananooo , it’s silly !! ” I’d reply.

Backstreet boys, N’sync and Westlife was what we lived for obviously, I wasn’t Oh-so-charmed by them but I guess I followed the trend at that time.

My dearest cousin had a crush in every 2 weeks on one of the boys in one of the bands, she’d go on and on for endless hours about a dream she had about one of them or about the lyrics of one of the songs and how she thinks it resembles her feelings or whatever.

I was always the quiet person, I was the good listener and I listened to her happily and no complaining involved.

Haaaa tga3deeny wenty tnameeen ?? "

I snapped out of my dream into the world of reality... I was still seeing her though, she was still there, and she was for real. I closed my eyes again 'please don’t go, please, pretty please' I pleaded in hope that I would continue dreaming, when that hope slowly faded, the dream disappeared and stored itself in the folds of my brain.

“ I WAAAANT A BAAAABY ” I cried, looking at HIM waiting for a response.

He was still staring at me, his face was without expressions, then suddenly his mouth formed a smile slowly turning into a wide one, his eyes got smaller and smaller as his puffed cheeks pushed them.

A Roaring laugh followed, It kicked me out of the bed as he jumped on me yelling “ba3ad 3omriiii” still laughing “we will have a baby, bas kilshay ib wakta 7ilo”

That was not satisfying to hear “Shno ya3ny kilshay ib wakta? Ya3ny meta y9eer wakta??” I huffed and puffed. He just smiled and laughed at me.

It was always like that between us he laughs at me whenever I get mad at something “you look cute when you’re mad” He’d say in response. I’d get furious at first but after a while when I realize that I can’t hold a straight face around him anymore a smile would slowly be the end point, our fights always ended in laughter.

I always reminded myself of how lucky I am to have him, he bares with me like no one could, and believe me I’m sooooo not an easy person.

I get mad at the smallest things and in seconds you can see me enraged, I take the tiniest remark and make it a personal thing, I’m stubborn and my head is harder than a mountain rock, I don’t talk, I always bottle up and instead of pouring my heart to a person I’d rather pour it in my journals and believe it or not that was the biggest Stone in the way of my perfect marriage ... I don’t negotiate and I like stuff my way, I’m very closed up on myself and to top all of that, I’m EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional, my tears come gushing down my tears at the simplest words.

So again I’m really lucky to have HIM... HE somehow was able to put all of that behind him and love me selflessly, unconditionally, and ultimately.

How did all of this begin you might wonder ???
Simply 7 years ago, when I was only 12 !!

I pushed the door open and got in; the security guy looked at me and smiled.

"Hey, Good morning" I said smiling back

I walked to the elevator and pushed the button ... 4th floor, I waited silently, it stopped ... I walked to the door of my apartment and rummaged through my handbag to find my keys.

As soon as I got in I dropped my bag and headed to my room, HE was still in bed sleeping while hugging the covers so tightly you'd think he's afraid they would escape.
I smiled at the sight of him and sat softly on the side of the bed, kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair.

"7abebi ma taby tgoom, t2a5ar el wakt" I leaned on him

" Mmmmm ... ba3ad shway .. Bas 5 mins" he shuffled in bed.

" Inzain bas 5 mins ... ba3dain tgoom 5ala9 .. tara aket 3alaik mai "I threatened

I laid in bed next to him and stuffed my arms under the pillows and stayed like that for sometime... Thinking stuff over and over again.
How it all started then it ended and how it started again ... it all seemed to me as if it was out of a dream, a dream that was too good to be true.
"But hey it did come true, and I can’t be any happier" I thought and smiled to myself, I closed my eyes to rest them and in not more than a few minutes I was fast asleep.


I have a daughter she is almost 3 years old, she was playing with another girl her age in the park , they were running everywhere laughing and kicking like there was no tomorrow, I looked at them from where I sat on the bench and smiled “what a beautiful girl I have brought to life” I thought .

She was fair with dark brown hair and big doe eyes, those of her father, her eyelashes were long and bordered her eyes beautifully, that I have to take credit for. Her hair was tied in a short pony tail and she was wearing a red dress that was too fancy for a day at the park but she looked simply gorgeous in it.

My phone rang, and the sound of my ringtone was begging for me to pick up, I put my hands in my bag searching for my phone not wanting to take my eyes off my sweet little daughter, not able to locate the damn phone I lifted the bag and started rummaging through it until I found it but it stopped ringing before I could pick up.

I lifted my eyes and my girl was running after a little pigeon trying to get near it but she was running towards the pond and she wasn’t even looking straight.
I panicked I ran after her like crazy...Thinking “my sweet little miracle”