Dear Diary :-

That's IT ... we9alt 7addy .. I'm really TIRED .

Tired of Studying

Tired of here

Tired of the weather

Tired of being alone

Tired of staying at my apartment all day .. all alone

Tired of the rain

Tired of people

Tired of my Stupid major

Tired of TV

Tired of my Computer .. elly mjableta 24 hrs

Tired of my whole life ..

Its been raining here for a whole week ... and its making everything else sooo much worse ... ya3ny inshallah meta y9eer el 9aaaif .. 6oool el sena shetaaa :@ ... meta ashooof el shams ... AAAHHH GOD ... i miss KUWAIT

I Miss My MOM

I Miss My sisters

I Miss My room

I Miss Me doing nothing

I Miss the SUN

I Miss the A/C for some reason

I Miss the streets

I Miss the malls

I Miss My little fridge back in my KWTs apartment .. the one that is always empty .. except for KDDs pink orange juice.

I Miss KDD

I Miss Kraft jebin gla9aat

I Miss My bed

I Miss 9amoon falafel :S

I Miss My KUWAIT

15th May, 2005
Sunday, 2 am


I woke up, my breaths were shallow, my heart was beating so fast it was the only sound i could hear.

i had a dream.. that in seconds was about to come true .. but at that moment i had no idea

i stayed up in bed for about an hour .. shifting and rolling .. i couldn't get back to sleep.

so i get up and sat on my desk , turned on my computer and sat there waiting for it to start.
i signed on my msn .. a couple of my friends were online

i wasnt in the mood to chat .. and i knew i wasnt supposed to be up this late .. plus i have school tomorrow ..

i just sat there .. staring at the monitor .. i was thinking of the dream i had .. i smiled to myself
my eyes were tired yet my mind refused to give in .. so i closed my eyes to rest them for a minute.

*msn msg alert*

i open my eyes to see the little window that just appeared on the bottom right corner of my desktop.


3ali : what are you doing up so late ?


me: just chatting with my friends ...


3ali: this LATE


me: ya3ny why is it OK for you to be staying up this late w ana la2 ??


3ali: i'm a guy :P


me: laaa walla


3ali: loool


me: shtabee ??


3ali: walashay :D


me: Okay


*** Silence for a couple of minutes ***

3ali: Curls ??


me: yea !!


3ali: i wanna ask you something personal !


me: sure, Go ahead.


3ali: if you dont wanna answer , thats fine !


me: umm gool shnoo ?


3ali: Who is ur crush ??


i was surprised !! Hell No i was SHOCKED
my mind suddenly felt heavy, Each word invaded my brain and i couldnt think anymore.. something inside me was urging me to tell him 'Curls this ur chance , just tell him how much you're in love with him' but something else held me back 'Why is he asking me this?? does he know something??'

me: Who told inna i have a crush ??!!

3ali: everyone does

me: well 7ata lo i do , why would i tell you ?

3ali: come on .. tell mee.. i'll tell you who i had a crush on!

OK that's something i really want to know .. but would that mean that i'm willing to put myself in a compromising situation !!

me: mabee ..

3ali: Allah y5aleech :(

I thought about it , and i thought about it more .. more ... and some more
maybe i should tell him !!

me: OK

3ali: :D

me: ....

3ali: YALLA

me: remember in malaysia .. when ur sister read my diaries ??

3ali: Yea i doo

me: Do you know what she read ??

3ali: Nooo ... what does that have to do with this ??? :S

me : weell , she read inna i had a crush on YOU

i pushed the enter button then i stood up .. and got away from my computer ... i had no idea what was the consequences of me telling my cousin, my very close cousin, the one i see every week in my family's get-togethers .. that i actually had a crush on him ...

i was sweating even though my room was freezing .. my heart was beating faster than it ever did .. and i felt this blinding pain in my forehead .. what have i done !!

to defend myself .. i used the word HAD to indicate the PAST .. which means that i have only told him that i had once liked him .. that doesn't necessarily mean that i like him NOW .. even though I'm practically in love with him.

i slowly stepped Back to my computer ...

3ali: OH MY GOD !!!!!!

3ali: mn 9ijech ??

3ali: Since Malaysia ???

3ali: that was like what ... 3 years agoo !!

me: SHUT UP ( i didnt wanna hear anymore ... yuba 3erafna ur surprised!! w obviously u dnt feel the same way.. i almost cried ... laish geltla .. shloan a6el ib wayha ba3ad kel hatha)

3ali: Thats when I had a crush on YOU

My eyes grew wide, my heart skipped several beats, and i forgot to breath.

3ali: Dont you remember?? .. i used to follow you everywhere you went ?? i stole glances at you when you were sitting with the girls ?? God i did some stupid stuff.

me: nooo i dont remember .. ( i was still shocked)

we chatted for an hour .. he told me all bout that crush he HAD on me .. and vice versa

i went back to bed that night for sure .. but sleep didn't find it's way back to me.

I mentioned before a friend that literally stabbed me in the back; in addition to that this ex-friend is trying to lead a campaign against me to advertise the made up fact that I AM a horrible person.

to my advantage i have ignored every attempt that she made to pick up a fight with me, i ignored every rude remark she made , and every silly thing she tried to provoke me with.

i simply just turned my back on her and went on my way.

i thought to myself that day, it's true, ma7ad befeedikom '3air ur family.
they are the ones that truly care about you, they are the ones that get upset when ur upset, and happy when ur happy, when you accomplish something they are proud of you, and when you fail they will be there for you to make you stand up, push you and cheer for you.

so i thought OMG .. i had a fight with Hanan last semester and we havnt talked since then ( for those who dont know and havnt read my story, Hanan is my cousin and my best friend as long as i can remember )

i felt bad, i know we both did bad stuff, we both are the most stubborn two in the whole family and we both refuse to admit our mistakes.

Every one in the family tried to make us net9ala7 , but no one has ever gotten through to us.

I made a decision ... thats it .. she's family ... el dam 3omra ma y9eer maaay .. 9a7 ??

i'll call her .. w i did ... w 6aaaa7 el 7a6ab .. GOD i'm so PROUD of myself :D

SOO , i just came back from a short break at this PLACE .. i had a great time , except i didnt get to do some shopping .. to my husbands delight .. *Hmmm* :P

Anyway .. so in the way back ..

i settled in my chair on the plane , as i waited for HIM to put the bag in place .. we chatted a bit over how great was the trip and how much we needed to get away from the studying environment , that unfortunately we have to get back to as soon as we set foot in No-Mans-Land.

The plain took off and i felt a bit tired .

"ummm ... abyy anaaam " i started whining

" namay !! " HE smiled

" mo daye5 enta ?? "

" La2 .. " HE said

" agoolik shay tsawee wana nayma ?!! " smiling devilishly ;)

" shno ?? "

i picked up my purse from under the seat, and rummaged through it , i got a paper pad and a pen , flipped his table open , placed the pad and pen on it .

" write me a love letter " i said with the widest smile ever

" Laaaaaa Walla , sorry NO , 5ala9 aby anaaam " HE tried to duck the inevitable :P

" Come oooon .. allah y5aleek "

" a9lan ma a3aref shloan " HE pleaded innocent

" YES you DO .. u did it once , you can do it again "

" OKAY , okay 5alaa9 yalla namay " HE gave up

mo geltlokom inevitable :P ..

so i took his hoodie fluffed it into the perfect pillow and adjusted myself on the seat to prepare to sleep.

and i slept .... for about 10 mins ... THEN i decided to take a peak

AND GUESS WHAT I SAW !!

He was so overwhelmed by the task i gave HIM, that he was completely lost

there he was sitting, his back arched to the table .. two papers were torn out of the pad, two others were on one side of the table and then there was the pad he was writing on ..

He was actually making points of what he's going to write on a paper, then copying it to his letter , then he'd scratch the point off of the two papers ..

that looked extremely funny , and i had no idea how i managed not to laugh.

i pretended to be asleep for the rest of the time and when he finished .. i opened my eyes and pretended to wake up :P he gave me the pad and told me not to read it until we're back home.

when we got home . . . i read it and then i told him that i was actually watching him while he was writing it .. and how he was making all these notes and points about what he should write and how to write it ..

Needless to say ... he swore he'll never write me a love letter again .. :S LOL

I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason i got so worked up about it.

I was so affected by the movie that i even forgot that HE is sitting next to me, i was so intensely drawn to the concept of the movie that i even forgot to hold HIS hand, i was completely overwhelmed by the actors and the scenes that i even forgot to lay my head on HIS shoulder. and believe me I do NOT forget these stuff, it's actually the one and only reason why i go to the cinema with HIM !!

*
The thing is that the concept the story was built on is soo REAL. the movie talks about how women interpret every word a guy says, every move, every look.
women tend to look behind the scenes for meanings that weren't actually intended by the guy... if you know what i mean , they read between the lines when there is actually nothing to read.

Let's make one thing clear ... i never ever believed that a man can actually be in love utterly and completely ... But i was proven wrong .. and to correct that i have to say this.


Men DO Love , but in their own kinda weird, cold , subtle, elusive way. It's SICK

after making that statement i also will have to say that i never have felt that what a women feels when having a crush, when taking a like to someone or when falling in love was ever even a considerable feeling that a man would ever possibly feel.

Women love with all their might, with all their being, with body and soul.

When we fall in love, we look for signs, we interpret words, we try to decode body language and understand the meanings that rest behind the smiles.

BUT

The truth is , with men there is nothing to interpret, nothing to decode or understand.
You'd want to think that when he smiles at you ...... that maybe there's a chance ... a teeny weeny chance that he might actually likes you , that he might care about you or that you are a matter of interest to him ...

BEEEEB WRONG ANSWER

NOOOO ,,, He just smiled ... nothing to interpret, no sign there .... Don't you even dare ... HOPING !!!

They [ the Guys ] might be right ... why do we need signs, why do we need mysteries ??


The Questions is ... WHY ?

Why do we put ourselves into this endless agony ???

Why do we make a THING of every thing ??!!

Why don't WE make it simple ??


Maybe we just need to .. maybe these are the spices that without, life would be tasteless. maybe this is what keeps us going at the end of the day, no matter how much it might hurt.


On a side note MEN SUCK :P

it's weird how sometimes you think you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, you can open up to, share stuff with, study with , go shopping... you practically do everything with. You think that this person might actually be PERFECT.

But Hey , no body is Perfect right ?

So there have to be a catch, and even though you sooo don't want to admit that, and you may even convince yourself that maybe this person is different, you eventually get THE WAKE UP CALL, THE SMACK ON YOUR HEAD, THE SWITCH TO YOUR BRAIN.. and that is my friends is one situation that throws you off your guard and shows you the true colours of THE SO CALLED PERFECT FRIEND.

unfortunately I'm currently experiencing one of these impostors.

and to be honest that is the first i had so far, I'm probably gonna have more of them, but I'm still dumbfounded by this one.

so the moral of the story ..

• Dont trust péople , coz people suck ( exclusions apply)
• Friends are never perfect, if they are ... go find another one. coz YOU my friend have been PUNKED.
• What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, so learn from your mistakes

-------------------------------

I know , I know this post SUX , but hey thats LIFE , right ?
anyway i'll try to get back on tracks with the blogging.. C Y'ALL LATER

I just loved it , it summs up everything i ever felt.

"Curls , come here bagoolech shay " Hanan called.

"wait degeega " i said , i grabbed the bag with the fireworks and hid it under my jacket as i hurried towards the swings where Hanan was.

we settled each on a swing, as we started our weekly conversations about school, friends and guys.

I turned my face to where all the family was sitting bel mazra3a, ans saw him going round and about searching for his fireworks, i smiled to myself and turned to complete the already running conversation with 7anan.


"Curls !! "a voice called

"hala " i turned around only to see him standing behind me.


his face portrayed the confusion of a 3 year old when trying to hold water in hands with open fingers. and i tried my best to hide the growing urge of cracking a humongous laugh right then and there.


"ma cheftay my fireworks ?? , they were in a bag right next to the door" he asked




" Haaa .. ummm ... maaadry , i don't think so " i was still trying not to laugh.




"Curls met2akda ma 5ethaiteehom ?? " he looked at me suspiciously.


i couldn't say a word cause then i would definitely lose the innocent look on my face and be caught for sure.


"yeeebehom , i know u've got them "he finally realized that my expressionless face was screaming with guilt.



" Ok bas 3ala shar6 "i said while laughing.



" Shnoo ?? "



"t5aleeny i light a couple of them "



"La2 , they are mine yeebehom "



" kaifek they are with me, i get to decide not u "



"inzain , 5ala9 5ala9, a5aleech "



all the while 7anan was looking at me smiling, and when i gave him his fireworks, i hurried behind him so he could fulfill his promise to me.



i stood behind him while he lighted the first two with my dad's lighter.

we were surrounded by all my cousins, who were waiting for the the fireworks to light up and fly into the space where they would blow into amazing vibrant colours, we all watched in awe, that was the favourite part of us going to el mazra3a every week in the freezing cold winter.

He called my name so i would go and try lighting up one as he promised he would let me, i walked closer to where he was standing, he gave me the lighter and i bent to the ground.
after the coloured lights faded in the sky, and everyone lowered their heads to its normal position, he came back to me demanding for his lighter, but i was more than just an innocent little girl, i refused.

" Curls , yalla 3aad yeebe el wala3a 5al asheb el bajy "he pleaded

"maby , malat oboy , shtaby enta ?? "

" yeebeeha "

"NOPE "

"shofay , yeebeha tara ayee a6ub 3alaich w a5eth'ha , ma 3ndy suwalef entay bnaya w madry shno "his eyes were gleaming now.

"mabeee " i was a bit scared now , coz he didn't seem like he was joking but i thought he wouldn't dare to do it .

He stepped closer to me , aaand closer ... closer ... closer ...
it was inches only between my face and his, my vision of him started to become blurry considering how close he came.

it was then when my mind came to a full black out, when the back up generator started to work in my brain, i cam to a realization that i should step back , at first i took one step backwards then i jumped back to hide behind Hanan's back.

He was smilling now , and i threw the lighter at him, a million thoughts going about my head at the same time.

it started with a simple childhood crush, when every girl i knew had the hots for some singer or actor i looked for more.

i am a dreamer but i manage to plant my feet in the ground, i refuse to go about day dreaming, i refuse to wish for things that are waay out of my reach. i refuse to let myself be disappointed.

i saw him every week, he was always there, missing not one gathering, he was social and every one liked his personality, he always managed to make me laugh, and he was sarcastic about everything, and to be honest i never saw him serious about anything.


i liked him, i liked his silly comments, i laughed at his jokes, i liked him being around, but i never realized that i liked him even more until we all went on a summer vacation to Malaysia.


there was something about him that draws me so close to him, his eyes, his smile .. he had control over me like no one ever did.. but i refused to admit it.

i told no one how much i was drawn to him not even my closest and bestest friend, Hanan my cousin.


HE is my cousin, he treats me no more different than he treats his only sister!!
What am i doing?? what am i thinking?? i have to stop this NOW


i failed miserably, he had a magnetic Field around him that just kept pulling me closer and closer to him, i had no way of defending myself, i could not resist.

for the 3 weeks of our vacation, my eyes followed him everywhere, i could not stop thinking about him, and i wrote all about him in my diary before i go to sleep each night.

it was innocent, just a little girl having her first taste of a summer crush, nothing worth mentioning.


until one night,


i was extremely tired after a long day of activities, ranging from mountain climbing, to jungle walks to trips to some farms. i retired to my bed early, leaving the girls playing UNO cards alone and walked to my room, i was extremely tired so i went to sleep without a worry in the world

the next morning i woke up energized ready for the day ahead that was filled with more activities that i hoped for.

i washed up, got dressed and got ready to leave my room for breakfast, the phone rang.. as usual my cousins would call so we could meet up in the breakfast hall.


"Aloo !! "Hanan's voice came through.

"Haa, tara I'm ready ka ba6la3" i said not waiting for her to state why she's calling.

" OK , inzain curls i need to talk to you about something"

"shno laish?? " i always feel anxious when hearing these words.

"entay ta3alay my room I'll tell you "

"OK 2 mins bas a9ik jan6ity w agfelha w I'm coming" i ended the conversation.

my stomach started to hurt, i hate this feeling , i prepared myself for the worse, i wasn't thinking anymore when i grabbed my stuff and started throwing them in, i grabbed my diary and placed it on top of my clothes before closing my suitcase.

i grabbed the keys to my room and went on my way to Hanan's room.

i knocked the door, she opened almost immediately, her sisters with which she shared her room were already out to breakfast.


"Ha sh3indech??? "i asked as i sat on a chair.

"Curls ... ams after we finished playing UNO we were talking about guys and we mentioned 3ali and a7mad, we were arguing about who was more handsome "she said while looking straight into my eyes.

"Okaaaaaaay !!! w ba3daaaain " i didn't understand what she's getting at.

" well , we talked a while about them ba3dain we asked saroo if she knows if 3ali has a crush on any one in school, or if he likes any girl or something "she just stopped and looked at me. Sara is 3ali's and ahmad's only sister, and being the only girl in a family of 5 boys she always tends to be a bit boyish until after much grooming she finally became a refined lady.

i was confused beyond recognition, i didn't know what's going to happen , i didn't know what's she's getting at, i couldn't even figure or predict what words are coming out of her mouth next.

"sarooo said enna she doesn't think inna he likes any one but she knows that someone likes him"she looked at my eyes again as if she's waiting for them to respond to what she's implying.


i was still silent ...

" well .. galat inna you like 3ali "she blurted at once at stood there silent waiting for me


my heart raced', my breath became shallow 'No .. NO .. no one is supposed to know' i thought, my mind wasn't functioning properly my brain suddenly shut down.

i looked at her .. " w on what bases did she made this conclusion? "i tried to seem calm.


"well she said inna she read ur diaries .. aand ... "


i didn't wait for her to finish i heard enough, i was bubbling with anger, my insides were burning, not because Sara said that i like 3ali, but simply because she dared to invade my privacy.

" shnooo ?? she read my diary ??? how dare she ?? " i yelled ..

Hanan was taken aback, she was too close to me to be alarmed by my raised voice .. she pretended to lower my voice as u would do to a tv, then simply said " bas u dont like 3ali,, right ??"

i hesitated a second but managed to overcome the river of thoughts flowing in my head. " of course not " i replied, but still angry, i couldn't stay there any more ..

my voice started to crack and my tears were on their way to my eyes and i had to go .. i had to run .. so i headed towards the door and walked away..

" ma tabeen tetrayegain ?? " Hanan called after me..

" la2 baroo7 '3orfety .. " i answered while slamming the door

it was a corridor between my room and hers .. i ran through it tears trailing on my cheeks, thinking of nothing ... and guess who just happened to be standing just opposite of my room..

YUP .. HIM ,, 3ali

he looked and me .. his face puzzled ... i looked at him ... drowning with my own tears..

" Curls shfeeech ?? " he gaped at me

" walashay " i unlocked the door and got in, not giving him a chance to even have a second look at me.

i threw myself at the bed, crying my eyes out .. i didn't know what to do ... i just cried and cried. then i went over to my bag and grabbed my diary .. i opened it and started tearing every page that had his name on it ..

Knock ... knock .. knock

" Curls ba6lay el bab , it's me Hanan "

" mabe .. GO AWAY "

" Curls yala 3aad , u can talk to me "

" mabe .. call my sister , i wanna talk to her "

Ala2 my older sister was much more than just a sister, she was a younger mother if that would make sense. i trusted her to make the right decisions for me when i didn't know what path should i choose.

a couple of minutes later , ala2 came and got in the room. she sat next to me on the bed ..
" haa , shfeech ?? what happened "
i told her everything except for the part that it's true that i like 3ali, and when she asked i shook my head denying it.

" Curls dont lie, i know you do " somehow she knew a lot of things i never told anyone.
" but it's nothing, i just like him .. shno ya3ny it's wrong ?? " i protested.
she laughed at me " i'll go talk to sara w ayeech ba3d shway .. ok" she said as she stood to leave the room. i just nodded

she came back telling me that sara just made that up w that she never read my diary.

" 3ayal why did she say that ?? " i didnt understand.
" ga3ed tet7arash feech .. yalla gomay tara el ba9 na6erna ta7at .. w 3mame ygoolon la tet25eroon .. warana a whole day of ta3ab " she smiled

i got up and prepared to go out yet again, decided that i should not talk to sara until she apologizes , which she did .. w everything went smoothely afterwards ..

HE never knew what happened , he only knew that i cried coz his nosy sister read my diary, he never even asked what she read or said.