Dear Diary :-

I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason i got so worked up about it.

I was so affected by the movie that i even forgot that HE is sitting next to me, i was so intensely drawn to the concept of the movie that i even forgot to hold HIS hand, i was completely overwhelmed by the actors and the scenes that i even forgot to lay my head on HIS shoulder. and believe me I do NOT forget these stuff, it's actually the one and only reason why i go to the cinema with HIM !!

*
The thing is that the concept the story was built on is soo REAL. the movie talks about how women interpret every word a guy says, every move, every look.
women tend to look behind the scenes for meanings that weren't actually intended by the guy... if you know what i mean , they read between the lines when there is actually nothing to read.

Let's make one thing clear ... i never ever believed that a man can actually be in love utterly and completely ... But i was proven wrong .. and to correct that i have to say this.


Men DO Love , but in their own kinda weird, cold , subtle, elusive way. It's SICK

after making that statement i also will have to say that i never have felt that what a women feels when having a crush, when taking a like to someone or when falling in love was ever even a considerable feeling that a man would ever possibly feel.

Women love with all their might, with all their being, with body and soul.

When we fall in love, we look for signs, we interpret words, we try to decode body language and understand the meanings that rest behind the smiles.

BUT

The truth is , with men there is nothing to interpret, nothing to decode or understand.
You'd want to think that when he smiles at you ...... that maybe there's a chance ... a teeny weeny chance that he might actually likes you , that he might care about you or that you are a matter of interest to him ...

BEEEEB WRONG ANSWER

NOOOO ,,, He just smiled ... nothing to interpret, no sign there .... Don't you even dare ... HOPING !!!

They [ the Guys ] might be right ... why do we need signs, why do we need mysteries ??


The Questions is ... WHY ?

Why do we put ourselves into this endless agony ???

Why do we make a THING of every thing ??!!

Why don't WE make it simple ??


Maybe we just need to .. maybe these are the spices that without, life would be tasteless. maybe this is what keeps us going at the end of the day, no matter how much it might hurt.


On a side note MEN SUCK :P

it's weird how sometimes you think you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, you can open up to, share stuff with, study with , go shopping... you practically do everything with. You think that this person might actually be PERFECT.

But Hey , no body is Perfect right ?

So there have to be a catch, and even though you sooo don't want to admit that, and you may even convince yourself that maybe this person is different, you eventually get THE WAKE UP CALL, THE SMACK ON YOUR HEAD, THE SWITCH TO YOUR BRAIN.. and that is my friends is one situation that throws you off your guard and shows you the true colours of THE SO CALLED PERFECT FRIEND.

unfortunately I'm currently experiencing one of these impostors.

and to be honest that is the first i had so far, I'm probably gonna have more of them, but I'm still dumbfounded by this one.

so the moral of the story ..

• Dont trust péople , coz people suck ( exclusions apply)
• Friends are never perfect, if they are ... go find another one. coz YOU my friend have been PUNKED.
• What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, so learn from your mistakes

-------------------------------

I know , I know this post SUX , but hey thats LIFE , right ?
anyway i'll try to get back on tracks with the blogging.. C Y'ALL LATER

I just loved it , it summs up everything i ever felt.

"Curls , come here bagoolech shay " Hanan called.

"wait degeega " i said , i grabbed the bag with the fireworks and hid it under my jacket as i hurried towards the swings where Hanan was.

we settled each on a swing, as we started our weekly conversations about school, friends and guys.

I turned my face to where all the family was sitting bel mazra3a, ans saw him going round and about searching for his fireworks, i smiled to myself and turned to complete the already running conversation with 7anan.


"Curls !! "a voice called

"hala " i turned around only to see him standing behind me.


his face portrayed the confusion of a 3 year old when trying to hold water in hands with open fingers. and i tried my best to hide the growing urge of cracking a humongous laugh right then and there.


"ma cheftay my fireworks ?? , they were in a bag right next to the door" he asked




" Haaa .. ummm ... maaadry , i don't think so " i was still trying not to laugh.




"Curls met2akda ma 5ethaiteehom ?? " he looked at me suspiciously.


i couldn't say a word cause then i would definitely lose the innocent look on my face and be caught for sure.


"yeeebehom , i know u've got them "he finally realized that my expressionless face was screaming with guilt.



" Ok bas 3ala shar6 "i said while laughing.



" Shnoo ?? "



"t5aleeny i light a couple of them "



"La2 , they are mine yeebehom "



" kaifek they are with me, i get to decide not u "



"inzain , 5ala9 5ala9, a5aleech "



all the while 7anan was looking at me smiling, and when i gave him his fireworks, i hurried behind him so he could fulfill his promise to me.



i stood behind him while he lighted the first two with my dad's lighter.

we were surrounded by all my cousins, who were waiting for the the fireworks to light up and fly into the space where they would blow into amazing vibrant colours, we all watched in awe, that was the favourite part of us going to el mazra3a every week in the freezing cold winter.

He called my name so i would go and try lighting up one as he promised he would let me, i walked closer to where he was standing, he gave me the lighter and i bent to the ground.
after the coloured lights faded in the sky, and everyone lowered their heads to its normal position, he came back to me demanding for his lighter, but i was more than just an innocent little girl, i refused.

" Curls , yalla 3aad yeebe el wala3a 5al asheb el bajy "he pleaded

"maby , malat oboy , shtaby enta ?? "

" yeebeeha "

"NOPE "

"shofay , yeebeha tara ayee a6ub 3alaich w a5eth'ha , ma 3ndy suwalef entay bnaya w madry shno "his eyes were gleaming now.

"mabeee " i was a bit scared now , coz he didn't seem like he was joking but i thought he wouldn't dare to do it .

He stepped closer to me , aaand closer ... closer ... closer ...
it was inches only between my face and his, my vision of him started to become blurry considering how close he came.

it was then when my mind came to a full black out, when the back up generator started to work in my brain, i cam to a realization that i should step back , at first i took one step backwards then i jumped back to hide behind Hanan's back.

He was smilling now , and i threw the lighter at him, a million thoughts going about my head at the same time.

it started with a simple childhood crush, when every girl i knew had the hots for some singer or actor i looked for more.

i am a dreamer but i manage to plant my feet in the ground, i refuse to go about day dreaming, i refuse to wish for things that are waay out of my reach. i refuse to let myself be disappointed.

i saw him every week, he was always there, missing not one gathering, he was social and every one liked his personality, he always managed to make me laugh, and he was sarcastic about everything, and to be honest i never saw him serious about anything.


i liked him, i liked his silly comments, i laughed at his jokes, i liked him being around, but i never realized that i liked him even more until we all went on a summer vacation to Malaysia.


there was something about him that draws me so close to him, his eyes, his smile .. he had control over me like no one ever did.. but i refused to admit it.

i told no one how much i was drawn to him not even my closest and bestest friend, Hanan my cousin.


HE is my cousin, he treats me no more different than he treats his only sister!!
What am i doing?? what am i thinking?? i have to stop this NOW


i failed miserably, he had a magnetic Field around him that just kept pulling me closer and closer to him, i had no way of defending myself, i could not resist.

for the 3 weeks of our vacation, my eyes followed him everywhere, i could not stop thinking about him, and i wrote all about him in my diary before i go to sleep each night.

it was innocent, just a little girl having her first taste of a summer crush, nothing worth mentioning.


until one night,


i was extremely tired after a long day of activities, ranging from mountain climbing, to jungle walks to trips to some farms. i retired to my bed early, leaving the girls playing UNO cards alone and walked to my room, i was extremely tired so i went to sleep without a worry in the world

the next morning i woke up energized ready for the day ahead that was filled with more activities that i hoped for.

i washed up, got dressed and got ready to leave my room for breakfast, the phone rang.. as usual my cousins would call so we could meet up in the breakfast hall.


"Aloo !! "Hanan's voice came through.

"Haa, tara I'm ready ka ba6la3" i said not waiting for her to state why she's calling.

" OK , inzain curls i need to talk to you about something"

"shno laish?? " i always feel anxious when hearing these words.

"entay ta3alay my room I'll tell you "

"OK 2 mins bas a9ik jan6ity w agfelha w I'm coming" i ended the conversation.

my stomach started to hurt, i hate this feeling , i prepared myself for the worse, i wasn't thinking anymore when i grabbed my stuff and started throwing them in, i grabbed my diary and placed it on top of my clothes before closing my suitcase.

i grabbed the keys to my room and went on my way to Hanan's room.

i knocked the door, she opened almost immediately, her sisters with which she shared her room were already out to breakfast.


"Ha sh3indech??? "i asked as i sat on a chair.

"Curls ... ams after we finished playing UNO we were talking about guys and we mentioned 3ali and a7mad, we were arguing about who was more handsome "she said while looking straight into my eyes.

"Okaaaaaaay !!! w ba3daaaain " i didn't understand what she's getting at.

" well , we talked a while about them ba3dain we asked saroo if she knows if 3ali has a crush on any one in school, or if he likes any girl or something "she just stopped and looked at me. Sara is 3ali's and ahmad's only sister, and being the only girl in a family of 5 boys she always tends to be a bit boyish until after much grooming she finally became a refined lady.

i was confused beyond recognition, i didn't know what's going to happen , i didn't know what's she's getting at, i couldn't even figure or predict what words are coming out of her mouth next.

"sarooo said enna she doesn't think inna he likes any one but she knows that someone likes him"she looked at my eyes again as if she's waiting for them to respond to what she's implying.


i was still silent ...

" well .. galat inna you like 3ali "she blurted at once at stood there silent waiting for me


my heart raced', my breath became shallow 'No .. NO .. no one is supposed to know' i thought, my mind wasn't functioning properly my brain suddenly shut down.

i looked at her .. " w on what bases did she made this conclusion? "i tried to seem calm.


"well she said inna she read ur diaries .. aand ... "


i didn't wait for her to finish i heard enough, i was bubbling with anger, my insides were burning, not because Sara said that i like 3ali, but simply because she dared to invade my privacy.

" shnooo ?? she read my diary ??? how dare she ?? " i yelled ..

Hanan was taken aback, she was too close to me to be alarmed by my raised voice .. she pretended to lower my voice as u would do to a tv, then simply said " bas u dont like 3ali,, right ??"

i hesitated a second but managed to overcome the river of thoughts flowing in my head. " of course not " i replied, but still angry, i couldn't stay there any more ..

my voice started to crack and my tears were on their way to my eyes and i had to go .. i had to run .. so i headed towards the door and walked away..

" ma tabeen tetrayegain ?? " Hanan called after me..

" la2 baroo7 '3orfety .. " i answered while slamming the door

it was a corridor between my room and hers .. i ran through it tears trailing on my cheeks, thinking of nothing ... and guess who just happened to be standing just opposite of my room..

YUP .. HIM ,, 3ali

he looked and me .. his face puzzled ... i looked at him ... drowning with my own tears..

" Curls shfeeech ?? " he gaped at me

" walashay " i unlocked the door and got in, not giving him a chance to even have a second look at me.

i threw myself at the bed, crying my eyes out .. i didn't know what to do ... i just cried and cried. then i went over to my bag and grabbed my diary .. i opened it and started tearing every page that had his name on it ..

Knock ... knock .. knock

" Curls ba6lay el bab , it's me Hanan "

" mabe .. GO AWAY "

" Curls yala 3aad , u can talk to me "

" mabe .. call my sister , i wanna talk to her "

Ala2 my older sister was much more than just a sister, she was a younger mother if that would make sense. i trusted her to make the right decisions for me when i didn't know what path should i choose.

a couple of minutes later , ala2 came and got in the room. she sat next to me on the bed ..
" haa , shfeech ?? what happened "
i told her everything except for the part that it's true that i like 3ali, and when she asked i shook my head denying it.

" Curls dont lie, i know you do " somehow she knew a lot of things i never told anyone.
" but it's nothing, i just like him .. shno ya3ny it's wrong ?? " i protested.
she laughed at me " i'll go talk to sara w ayeech ba3d shway .. ok" she said as she stood to leave the room. i just nodded

she came back telling me that sara just made that up w that she never read my diary.

" 3ayal why did she say that ?? " i didnt understand.
" ga3ed tet7arash feech .. yalla gomay tara el ba9 na6erna ta7at .. w 3mame ygoolon la tet25eroon .. warana a whole day of ta3ab " she smiled

i got up and prepared to go out yet again, decided that i should not talk to sara until she apologizes , which she did .. w everything went smoothely afterwards ..

HE never knew what happened , he only knew that i cried coz his nosy sister read my diary, he never even asked what she read or said.

You're alone, You're thinking what brought you here, You're wondering is IT worth leaving your family and living in the middle of nowhere ??!

where you spend most of your nights alone, switching the channels of your TV hoping something good is on, or shifting in bed at night after you saw that horror movie and you cant sleep, or maybe just a bad dream that woke you up in the midst of the creepy night?

Do you feel IT is worth it, when you get out of Uni after a long day and you get back to an empty apartment where you dont even have something decent to eat, the fridge is empty and you end up eating a pot of yogurt while facing your damn TV.

Is IT worth it, when at the weekend you find yourself roaming the streets alone, not knowing where to go or what to do.

It's frustraing I tell you, living here in the middle of nowhere, the only rock that i have to lean on , the only shoulder that i have to cry on, the only arms that i have to hold me at night .. is HIM .. but sometimes He's not there, sometimes He's just not available, sometimes He's away ... and that's when i crash, that's when the ghosts haunt me at night, thats when life seems to get harder and the universe seems to get heavier.

I'm sick, my whole body aches, my throat is sore and my head is killing me... i need my mum, i need to lay my head on her chest and feel safe and good, i need her to stroke my hair so i could feel better, i need her to make me a glass of hot milk and honey to soothe my throat. i want her to come check at me while i'm sleeping at night just to make sure i'm ok, i want her to kiss my head when i'm asleep ... coz just right then the whole world seems to open up infront of me and i wouldn't feel so bad.

There's something about Moms that no one can ever replace, no matter how hard they try no matter what they do ... my mum just do it BEST.

Mummy i miss you :( , life here in the middle of nowhere SUX

Summer 2000

We all went to Europe (WE includes: my mom, dad, siblings, my 3 closest uncles, all my cousins, and of course our family friends). Oh and Europe means Germany and Austria ... He he :P
It was amazing, fun and simply incredible. it's great to be able to cut loose a bit from my siblings and instead be with my cousins.

well, i cant babble alot about the whole trip coz it almost took a month, but i sure can take a stroll around Memory lane for a few minutes.

First week...
we landed in Munich, Germany.
it took us about 30 mins to get to the hotel, i only remember that i was extremely tired from the flight and as soon as we got there and my dad and uncles went to the reception to get the rooms, i simply just threw myself on one couch and trailed to my dream land , i barely remember someone waking me up and taking me to my room that i shared with my beloved older sister.

when we took a considerable amount of rest we went for a walk at night in the silent streets of Munich, we had dinner at McDonalds, then went back to the hotel for a fresh day. i remember at the walk back we saw a couple kissing on a bridge .. and we would all turn around as we passed them to see .. w our moms yelled at us :P he he

The first week was busy, from salt mines, to the zoo, to ice caves, to Hitler's weapon factory, to a lot of places i cant remember.

Second week...

we took a bus ride to Austria, the ride there was fun especially when we crossed germany and they had us stand on the borders , when there was only a line drwan on the ground that seperated the two countries.
i had one foot in Germany and the other in Austria ... now who had been in two places at the same time, Huh ??? :D

In Austria we went to a great little country town, that was for relaxation, but us kidz didnt like the doing nothing thing, so we went roll-skating, mini-golf, and the best of all staying late at night playing UNO cards. Oh and there was this one place where we went up a mountain by the telepherique (or telefreak !! :P) and got down sliding on a cart , it was extremely FUN.

Third week ...

we went to vienna for shopping, the time for our moms to get what they were waiting for so patiently :P

and by that time we were all so eager to get back home... and so we did.
what did all that have to do with my story??! well simply that i got much closer to my cousins.

sooo.. nothing happened in Summer 2000 :D

i close my eyes in the hope that all of this is just a glimpse of a dream that i never will be able to remember after i slowly start opening my eyes.

i want this whole Crap to disappear coz i simply cant take another second of it , i don't want to realize that after walking miles and miles in this pitch black tunnel i still cant find the light at the end.

the forest of thoughts that started forming in my head was beginning to scare me, the branches are getting tangled and the roots are tightening on my nerves, I'm feeling numb, my body cant seem to bring itself to make a move, my lips cant utter a word and my heart is dead with all the darkness.

i can feel my brain swelling with failed ideas to get out of this misery, i can feel it getting bigger and bigger, yet there's no way out, there's not one simple way to relieve me of this huge burden I'm carrying on my shoulders.

i tried, i honestly tried walking in every direction, searching in every corner, staring at every face but none seemed interested in giving me the answers, should i always have to suffer? should i always have to witness the pages of my success flying away from me.

I walk after them , i sprint, i run ... but they're gone.. and I'm left with the ruins of my once perfectly drawn life.

i stand here now with a heart that can no longer pumps the blood through this weak body; that can no longer endure the winds of the hardships; that can no longer stand against the waves of this sea of depression.

~Depressed~ Obviously

The next couple of posts are going to be out of my diary, resembling the most important events over the years, but first a short post about ME at the time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


7 years ago,

I stayed in bed staring at the digital clock at my bed side table it was 11.53pm, every minute that passed seemed to take a year, time was passing very slowly. Eventually I gave up and laid on my back, stared at the ceiling instead and thought about the lyrics of the latest hit backstreet boys single, I tried to sing it but I have totally forgot the tune and ended up laughing at myself, I turned again to face the clock it was 11.58 now, a smile crept on my face as I waited for the last 2 minutes to pass, not so long after, the big clock in the living room played its usual song and I sprang out of bed to my sisters room next to mine, I jumped on her bed and yelled “I’m twelve , I’m twelve finally”.


I don’t know what was so special about turning twelve it’s not like I’m turning eighteen and getting my driving license, or turning twenty and kissing goodbye the teenage years , all I know is that I remember that day so vividly because in that day as a birthday resolution I decided to start a diary.

And so my adventures started, at first I had no idea what to write , I had nothing worth mentioning in such a precious diary, but with the days and years that followed this diary became full of words, full of events, full of ME.


I was only 12, nothing in life mattered much, my life revolved around school, home and most importantly the family gatherings every weekend. I am blessed with a huge close family you see, that’s why the best time of the week was when I reunited with my cousins to laugh, play and talk about everything going on in our lives.


“ambaaai , did you see the new BSB video it’s great” hanan exclaimed

Hanan is my closest cousin she is 3 years older than me but we were the best of friends, We did everything together, sometimes we even tried to buy the same clothes so we would be identical we told each other everything and anything.

“waaaai3 7ananooo , it’s silly !! ” I’d reply.


Backstreet boys, N’sync and Westlife was what we lived for obviously, I wasn’t Oh-so-charmed by them but I guess I followed the trend at that time.

My dearest cousin had a crush in every 2 weeks on one of the boys in one of the bands, she’d go on and on for endless hours about a dream she had about one of them or about the lyrics of one of the songs and how she thinks it resembles her feelings or whatever.

I was always the quiet person, I was the good listener and I listened to her happily and no complaining involved.