“shga3ed tsaween ihny baba ??” my dad asked me taking a look at 3ali as if acknowledging his presence .
“wala shay baba bas yait a5eth el walkman malee” I answered , my heart was beating fast .. it’s definitely not the time for my dad to find out.
“ umm, ha 3ali wain raye7 ?? ” dad turned to the other side
“ la 3amy bas kent ba6la3 atmasha bara” we both seemed very nervous
I grabbed my walkmen , and gave my dad the keys “be’3ait shay baba ?” I asked
“ Ee aby a5eth el thermos kan bel sayara” he said as he also grabbed it from the driver’s side and he walked with me back to the chalet.
Till this day I’m not sure whether he suspected something or not, all I know is he never talked about it, so I assumed he didn’t hear a thing.
Next week ... the gathering was in our house.
After I helped my mom through dinner going up and down the stairs to bring this and that to the buffet in the basement, I was exhausted. I went up and threw myself on the couch to catch my breath...
‘wain 3ali ?? , I was so busy with the dinner, I haven’t even seen him !! hmm’ I thought to myself
I have a thing .. when I’m in a crowd and I’m surrounded with people, I tend to slack back and take a few minutes for myself to be alone .. Before going back to the social GALA
So I got up and went to the front door .. I opened the door and got out ... I sat on the small balcony in the front porch ... I just stayed there for a couple of minutes thinking of no particular thing...
“ AALLOOO .. ALLOOO , ee asma3ek el7een !! ee gool !!” 3ali said as he got out of the house and closed the door behind him.
He didn’t notice me sitting in the corner, he walked a few steps forward talking with his pal, and when he ended the call and turned around .. HE smiled ..
“ Curls !!! shetsaween ga3da bara ???” HE exclaimed
“Umm ... wala shay” I smiled
He came closer to where I’m sitting and stood right in front of me ..
“Ha how was ur graduation ??” I asked
“ GOOD walla wanasa , 6ela3t ma3a rab3y after the ceremony .. it was fun” he answered
We talked a bit more about random stuff ...
“ so shno m8adem el7een , wain ib tadres??” I asked
“I’m thinking of staying at school for year 12 ..” He said
“9ij !! ZAAIN ..” I was thrilled coz I knew he intended to study abroad , this would mean more time together..
“BAS ..” he started
“BAS what ??”
“oboy ygool a7sanly I start now .. its an advantage for me since I graduated early .. so I thought I would study medicine abroad” He explained
“OH .. but ... but that means .. umm .. “ I wanted to say a lot of things .. I wanted to tell him not to go .. I wanted him to stay here where I could see him every Thursday .. I wanted him near.. but I didn’t say anything “Yeah , that’s great .. you’ve always wanted to be a doctor” I ended my sentence, and forced a smile on my face.
“I already did my papers, bas na6er I get accepted for the scholarship” He said
“aha” I couldn’t reply, I couldn’t talk .. my eyes started stinging so I turned around..
“I have to go now” I said as I pushed the door and went inside.
There was something in me that wanted to stop HIM, he cant go .. he cant leave me here alone .. what am I going to do ??
It was all so fast, I didn’t have the time to take it all in, I would still wake up at the morning thinking that it was all just a dream.
He told me once that he regrets not telling me earlier about his feelings, and it kept me wondering why when it was just perfect, he had to go ?
His date of departure was decided, he was to go in early September .. which leaves us only a few weeks.
And on the last week before he left ..
I was adjusting my 7ijab in the mirror when I heard 3ali’s mom talking
“3ali, wadait el 7ilo 7ag el ryayeel ??” she asked
“ee Yuma”I heard his voice and turned around
“w etha taboon el chay mawjood bel ma6ba5”she said as she headed upstairs
“inshallah” He said as he turned around and motioned to me to follow him
I held my ground as I wondered what he would possibly want with me.
“ta3alay”it was the first time he ever called me
“laish?”I was suspicious now
“ta3alay agoolich”
I slowly made my way to where he was and followed him to the reading room in their house. He stopped there.
He opened a drawer and grabbed a small cream envelope.
“this is for you” He said as he handed it to me without looking into my eyes.
“what is this??”I smiled
Of course I knew what that was, it was a letter for sure, my first love letter.
I ran my fingers through the lap of the envelope; I meant to read it right then.
“la2 egreeha ba3dain, when ur alone” he said, his head still lowered; his shoes suddenly seemed interesting to him :P
“sure” I replied
We had a moment of silence.
“3ali u will keep in touch, wont you?, I mean when u go there”
“I don’t know how its gonna be in there, but I will try as much as I can”
I nodded and went upstairs to place the letter where no one could see it.
The night ended and we said our goodbyes only by stealing glances and stares.
Two days after he left and I felt empty, I felt the wind blowing right through me, I felt drained out of my energy.. I laid in bed and grabbed the small cream envelope from my bed side drawer and read.
‘I know I’m leaving, but you’ll always be with me ... in my heart’
We talked for hours at no end, I stayed on msngr as I never did before , I talked to him about everything , and he was so easy to share stuff with , I wouldn’t think twice about what I would say .. it was the most natural thing in the world to be with HIM.
Yet everything was innocent , all we ever did was just chat, and steal glances at gatherings , we had to be careful not to show anything ... coz after all we ARE cousins .
I thought a lot about this situation, our situation, its much more complicated than if I had a relationship with someone I didn’t know.
Being family made it extra hard to express my feelings, I’d think a thousand times before I made a move. Being family meant that he’ll be around me for the rest of my life considering how close our family is.
Questions were always a matter of what will happen now? To where will this leads US? What IF it ended? How will it end? Will it be UGLY ??
I knew how complicated it can get because I know 7anan !
Hanan got to know a guy from obviously something called the internet :S her relationship evolved into mobiles and eventually seeing each other every now and then.
To be honest I never thought that her relationship would work , not for a minute and I tried to tell her but she refused to listen, she was holding on to him and maybe at some point so was he. She went through a lot of drama and I had to be there for her.
But Hanan’s story is a whole other story.
Anyway .. my thoughts of US never escaped my head, on one hot summer Thursday we decided we should gather in the chalets.
I was walking with Esraa; one of my younger cousins .. She basically have a crush on every single guy she ever saw in her life ... including 3ali.
Esraa is the kind of girl who takes life so easily, her main interest is talking about school and guys, she’s funny and she has the most peculiar laugh, I for some reason always connected that to her being overweight.
“ GOOOLay , goolay el 9ij , 3umrech ma 7abaitay a7ad”esraa was enthusiastic about her attempts to unveil my mysterious love life.
“Esraa2oo CHUB 3aad” I answered smiling
“come on , u have to have someone”
“3aaaib, I don’t have anyone, w 7ata lo I do why would I tell you ??” I teased
“Chathaaaabaaa .. a9lan ana adry mno t7been !!” ya3ny betsa7eb 7achy mny
“9ij !! yalla mno ??” I said as I was kicking around a pebble with my foot
“hatha elly jedamich” and she laughed her one of a kind laugh
I lifted my head to see who she was talking about and I saw 3ali walking towards us and he smiled one of those smiles that would send my heart to the top of my head, I lowered my head instantly.
“la ba3ad yebtesemlich .. aGoool haaaay tara hatha 7agyy mo ashufech tgarbeen 9oooba “ and she started laughing so hard
‘If only she knew’ I thought :P
She then pulled me to the house ..
“Curls ta3alay baroo7 el ‘3orfa ... entay ogfay 3nd el bab”
“sh3ndich ??”
“tell u later !” She said as she got into the room and slammed the door behind her
I waited for her outside, I rested on a couch nearby... not more than 5 seconds later the door opened and 3ali came in and he threw himself on an armchair opposite of me. He then just looked at me and smiled.
I always wondered how come he never talked; he always smiled at me and waited for me to start up a conversation... was he that confident of himself ??
“laish ga3ed broo7ek, why aren’t you with the other guys??” I asked
“bas ta3ban, male 5elg” He smiled again
I lowered my head a bit as a moment of silence passed
“Curls .. be’3aitay tgoolen shay 7agy the other day while we were chatting on msngr?? What was it ??” he had a puzzled look on his face
“ma athker” I lied
Of course I remember, a few days back we were chatting on msn and I had a moment of weakness maybe, when I wanted to tell him how much I’m in love with him, OH yes I LOVE him !! luckily my mom was calling me at the same time so I didn’t get to finish what I was saying .. the only thing he read is ‘I have something to tell you , but I don’t know how .....’
“embala , you said that u wanted to tell me something bas ba3dain u had to go !!”he was dying to know.
“UMMmm”I pretended I was trying to remember .. well I was thinking if I should tell him.. if it was the time or was it too early
He was still looking at me when I blurted out “well .. I don’t JUST like you”
I didn’t wait for his reaction, I didn’t even look at his face, coz simply I’m the kind of girls that prefer running to confronting :S, so I opened the door to the room and shoved myself inside at the same time when Esraa screamed and cursed me .. obviously she was changing her clothes :P
The evening progressed with me trying to avoid him and him following me trying to talk to me, I tried as much as I can not to look him in the eyes and at the same time I managed to always stay amongst a huge group of girls so he wouldn’t have the courage to approach me.
After dinner I decided I should take a walk on the beach alone .. just to clear my head, so before I did that I had to go and pick up my walkman (sha5baree :P I still have it though, he he ) so I started my way towards my dad’s Yukon and as I opened the door and climbed inside I heard the sound of approaching footsteps, I rummaged through my stuff trying to get my hands on my walkman as fast as I can to get back to the chalet when I heard someone calling my name ....
“Curls !!”
“haah” I answered as I turned my head around to see who was it, it was 3ali
“I feel the same way about you too” he said
Just at that same moment my dad showed up out of nowhere !!!
