Dear Diary :-

15th May, 2005
Sunday, 2 am


I woke up, my breaths were shallow, my heart was beating so fast it was the only sound i could hear.

i had a dream.. that in seconds was about to come true .. but at that moment i had no idea

i stayed up in bed for about an hour .. shifting and rolling .. i couldn't get back to sleep.

so i get up and sat on my desk , turned on my computer and sat there waiting for it to start.
i signed on my msn .. a couple of my friends were online

i wasnt in the mood to chat .. and i knew i wasnt supposed to be up this late .. plus i have school tomorrow ..

i just sat there .. staring at the monitor .. i was thinking of the dream i had .. i smiled to myself
my eyes were tired yet my mind refused to give in .. so i closed my eyes to rest them for a minute.

*msn msg alert*

i open my eyes to see the little window that just appeared on the bottom right corner of my desktop.


3ali : what are you doing up so late ?


me: just chatting with my friends ...


3ali: this LATE


me: ya3ny why is it OK for you to be staying up this late w ana la2 ??


3ali: i'm a guy :P


me: laaa walla


3ali: loool


me: shtabee ??


3ali: walashay :D


me: Okay


*** Silence for a couple of minutes ***

3ali: Curls ??


me: yea !!


3ali: i wanna ask you something personal !


me: sure, Go ahead.


3ali: if you dont wanna answer , thats fine !


me: umm gool shnoo ?


3ali: Who is ur crush ??


i was surprised !! Hell No i was SHOCKED
my mind suddenly felt heavy, Each word invaded my brain and i couldnt think anymore.. something inside me was urging me to tell him 'Curls this ur chance , just tell him how much you're in love with him' but something else held me back 'Why is he asking me this?? does he know something??'

me: Who told inna i have a crush ??!!

3ali: everyone does

me: well 7ata lo i do , why would i tell you ?

3ali: come on .. tell mee.. i'll tell you who i had a crush on!

OK that's something i really want to know .. but would that mean that i'm willing to put myself in a compromising situation !!

me: mabee ..

3ali: Allah y5aleech :(

I thought about it , and i thought about it more .. more ... and some more
maybe i should tell him !!

me: OK

3ali: :D

me: ....

3ali: YALLA

me: remember in malaysia .. when ur sister read my diaries ??

3ali: Yea i doo

me: Do you know what she read ??

3ali: Nooo ... what does that have to do with this ??? :S

me : weell , she read inna i had a crush on YOU

i pushed the enter button then i stood up .. and got away from my computer ... i had no idea what was the consequences of me telling my cousin, my very close cousin, the one i see every week in my family's get-togethers .. that i actually had a crush on him ...

i was sweating even though my room was freezing .. my heart was beating faster than it ever did .. and i felt this blinding pain in my forehead .. what have i done !!

to defend myself .. i used the word HAD to indicate the PAST .. which means that i have only told him that i had once liked him .. that doesn't necessarily mean that i like him NOW .. even though I'm practically in love with him.

i slowly stepped Back to my computer ...

3ali: OH MY GOD !!!!!!

3ali: mn 9ijech ??

3ali: Since Malaysia ???

3ali: that was like what ... 3 years agoo !!

me: SHUT UP ( i didnt wanna hear anymore ... yuba 3erafna ur surprised!! w obviously u dnt feel the same way.. i almost cried ... laish geltla .. shloan a6el ib wayha ba3ad kel hatha)

3ali: Thats when I had a crush on YOU

My eyes grew wide, my heart skipped several beats, and i forgot to breath.

3ali: Dont you remember?? .. i used to follow you everywhere you went ?? i stole glances at you when you were sitting with the girls ?? God i did some stupid stuff.

me: nooo i dont remember .. ( i was still shocked)

we chatted for an hour .. he told me all bout that crush he HAD on me .. and vice versa

i went back to bed that night for sure .. but sleep didn't find it's way back to me.

I mentioned before a friend that literally stabbed me in the back; in addition to that this ex-friend is trying to lead a campaign against me to advertise the made up fact that I AM a horrible person.

to my advantage i have ignored every attempt that she made to pick up a fight with me, i ignored every rude remark she made , and every silly thing she tried to provoke me with.

i simply just turned my back on her and went on my way.

i thought to myself that day, it's true, ma7ad befeedikom '3air ur family.
they are the ones that truly care about you, they are the ones that get upset when ur upset, and happy when ur happy, when you accomplish something they are proud of you, and when you fail they will be there for you to make you stand up, push you and cheer for you.

so i thought OMG .. i had a fight with Hanan last semester and we havnt talked since then ( for those who dont know and havnt read my story, Hanan is my cousin and my best friend as long as i can remember )

i felt bad, i know we both did bad stuff, we both are the most stubborn two in the whole family and we both refuse to admit our mistakes.

Every one in the family tried to make us net9ala7 , but no one has ever gotten through to us.

I made a decision ... thats it .. she's family ... el dam 3omra ma y9eer maaay .. 9a7 ??

i'll call her .. w i did ... w 6aaaa7 el 7a6ab .. GOD i'm so PROUD of myself :D

SOO , i just came back from a short break at this PLACE .. i had a great time , except i didnt get to do some shopping .. to my husbands delight .. *Hmmm* :P

Anyway .. so in the way back ..

i settled in my chair on the plane , as i waited for HIM to put the bag in place .. we chatted a bit over how great was the trip and how much we needed to get away from the studying environment , that unfortunately we have to get back to as soon as we set foot in No-Mans-Land.

The plain took off and i felt a bit tired .

"ummm ... abyy anaaam " i started whining

" namay !! " HE smiled

" mo daye5 enta ?? "

" La2 .. " HE said

" agoolik shay tsawee wana nayma ?!! " smiling devilishly ;)

" shno ?? "

i picked up my purse from under the seat, and rummaged through it , i got a paper pad and a pen , flipped his table open , placed the pad and pen on it .

" write me a love letter " i said with the widest smile ever

" Laaaaaa Walla , sorry NO , 5ala9 aby anaaam " HE tried to duck the inevitable :P

" Come oooon .. allah y5aleek "

" a9lan ma a3aref shloan " HE pleaded innocent

" YES you DO .. u did it once , you can do it again "

" OKAY , okay 5alaa9 yalla namay " HE gave up

mo geltlokom inevitable :P ..

so i took his hoodie fluffed it into the perfect pillow and adjusted myself on the seat to prepare to sleep.

and i slept .... for about 10 mins ... THEN i decided to take a peak

AND GUESS WHAT I SAW !!

He was so overwhelmed by the task i gave HIM, that he was completely lost

there he was sitting, his back arched to the table .. two papers were torn out of the pad, two others were on one side of the table and then there was the pad he was writing on ..

He was actually making points of what he's going to write on a paper, then copying it to his letter , then he'd scratch the point off of the two papers ..

that looked extremely funny , and i had no idea how i managed not to laugh.

i pretended to be asleep for the rest of the time and when he finished .. i opened my eyes and pretended to wake up :P he gave me the pad and told me not to read it until we're back home.

when we got home . . . i read it and then i told him that i was actually watching him while he was writing it .. and how he was making all these notes and points about what he should write and how to write it ..

Needless to say ... he swore he'll never write me a love letter again .. :S LOL

I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason i got so worked up about it.

I was so affected by the movie that i even forgot that HE is sitting next to me, i was so intensely drawn to the concept of the movie that i even forgot to hold HIS hand, i was completely overwhelmed by the actors and the scenes that i even forgot to lay my head on HIS shoulder. and believe me I do NOT forget these stuff, it's actually the one and only reason why i go to the cinema with HIM !!

*
The thing is that the concept the story was built on is soo REAL. the movie talks about how women interpret every word a guy says, every move, every look.
women tend to look behind the scenes for meanings that weren't actually intended by the guy... if you know what i mean , they read between the lines when there is actually nothing to read.

Let's make one thing clear ... i never ever believed that a man can actually be in love utterly and completely ... But i was proven wrong .. and to correct that i have to say this.


Men DO Love , but in their own kinda weird, cold , subtle, elusive way. It's SICK

after making that statement i also will have to say that i never have felt that what a women feels when having a crush, when taking a like to someone or when falling in love was ever even a considerable feeling that a man would ever possibly feel.

Women love with all their might, with all their being, with body and soul.

When we fall in love, we look for signs, we interpret words, we try to decode body language and understand the meanings that rest behind the smiles.

BUT

The truth is , with men there is nothing to interpret, nothing to decode or understand.
You'd want to think that when he smiles at you ...... that maybe there's a chance ... a teeny weeny chance that he might actually likes you , that he might care about you or that you are a matter of interest to him ...

BEEEEB WRONG ANSWER

NOOOO ,,, He just smiled ... nothing to interpret, no sign there .... Don't you even dare ... HOPING !!!

They [ the Guys ] might be right ... why do we need signs, why do we need mysteries ??


The Questions is ... WHY ?

Why do we put ourselves into this endless agony ???

Why do we make a THING of every thing ??!!

Why don't WE make it simple ??


Maybe we just need to .. maybe these are the spices that without, life would be tasteless. maybe this is what keeps us going at the end of the day, no matter how much it might hurt.


On a side note MEN SUCK :P

it's weird how sometimes you think you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, you can open up to, share stuff with, study with , go shopping... you practically do everything with. You think that this person might actually be PERFECT.

But Hey , no body is Perfect right ?

So there have to be a catch, and even though you sooo don't want to admit that, and you may even convince yourself that maybe this person is different, you eventually get THE WAKE UP CALL, THE SMACK ON YOUR HEAD, THE SWITCH TO YOUR BRAIN.. and that is my friends is one situation that throws you off your guard and shows you the true colours of THE SO CALLED PERFECT FRIEND.

unfortunately I'm currently experiencing one of these impostors.

and to be honest that is the first i had so far, I'm probably gonna have more of them, but I'm still dumbfounded by this one.

so the moral of the story ..

• Dont trust péople , coz people suck ( exclusions apply)
• Friends are never perfect, if they are ... go find another one. coz YOU my friend have been PUNKED.
• What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, so learn from your mistakes

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I know , I know this post SUX , but hey thats LIFE , right ?
anyway i'll try to get back on tracks with the blogging.. C Y'ALL LATER