Dear Diary :-

25th July 2010, the day i welcomed my baby to the world. it was a unique experience for sure, one that incorporated all the emotions that i have ever felt in my whole life plus some more new ones.
It was a surreal moment when i saw HIM for the first time (Yes It's a BOY). something was triggered inside of me, much like a switch. i still cant describe that feeling .. i guess its motherhood :)

I cant believe how my life changed in one night, i now have to move armed with diapers, bottles and formula. and even tho i get the constant " you're so young to have a baby " .. i'm enjoying every second of it ... coz just the sight of his tiny teeny hand stretched out to hold my blouse when i'm feeding him is worth the whole wide world. not to mention his smile that sends my heart flying through the roof.

Soo .. now you know where i have been .. Motherhood is a full time job :)

Thursday
3rd December 2009

4.12 am
I kept shifting and rolling in bed, i tried to sleep but i couldn't. something was weird, something was new. I had a million thoughts wandering around in my head. and i became suspicious.
i know i have gained a few Kgs in the past couple of weeks, but that's because i have a healthy appetite, that does not mean anything.
i placed my hands on my stomach, tried as best as i could to push those thoughts away, and then prepared to surrender... to my dreams.

10.31am
i woke up, got out of bed.
and as i was washing up... i thought why not!
i waited for a few mins .. aand it was a POSITIVE!!

and that was the beginning of a 9 months journey ... YES I'm pregnant.
that was on December, 5 months ago.

now I'm 6 months into my pregnancy ... a couple more and I'll have my baby with me.

Last night while me and my husband were having dinner:

Him: So whats with the girls and their statuses on Facebook ??

Me: Madry i havent been on facebook for ages .. laish sh9ayer ??

Him: well , all the girls have colours on as their statuses , Pink, blue, black .. you name a colour its there !!

Me: HuH ??!!! wait !

i get up and log in into my facebook account.

Turns out to be every girl is posting the colour of her BRA !!! What the HELL ??
you might ask why as i did...

because some stupid person started this whole campaign to raise Breast cancer awareness .. dnt ask me how will that happen ..

But seriously girls.. 3aib 3alaikom !!

shno ya3ny now every guy you have on facebook knows what colour is you bra ..
you do know inna ur bra is considered something private w its part of your underwear that no one should see ?? right ??

i kept imagining girls walking by w the guys thinking "Yep shes wearing Pink with sparkles !!"

My baby's birthday was a couple of days ago, He's older than me now and for the next 7 months he will be, until i catch up with him ;) he he he

Don't you agree that buying gifts for guys is sooooo HARD ?? i never know what to get him, and i can never get hints out of him coz basically he never really wants anything ?? and it gets really exhausting trying to find the perfect gift.

So this year i decided to go with many silly-small-presents.. and we had a good laugh at it.
but i had to get him something not silly .. 3ashan laman its my turn to get all the gifts i get something NICE if you know what i mean ;) so i got him a really NICE tie.

Oh and by the way he opened all his gifts weeks before his birthday .. coz HE didnt want to have a birthday " i dnt know whats so great about birthdays" he said ..

On his real birthday .. i couldnt go with nothing .. so i wrote him a bday card with a huge bunch of roses ... 7abeeeby it was the 1st time anyone has ever brought him flowers .. coz usually i'm the one whose getting those :P

and surprisingly he was really happy with the roses he even cut and arranged them himself, admiring his work every 2 mins.

so i guess Guys do like flowers after all.. or maybe just MY guy :P aaahh a new reason to fall in love with him even more .. coz that means even more flowers for me :D

I came back from school, ran up the stairs to my room dropped my bags, changed my school uniform washed up, and then i jumped on to the computer to check my email.

i waited for the browser to connect like it was taking forever, my eyes were fixed on the left hand corner where its supposed to show how many new emails I've got. it downloaded alright and i rolled the mouse to the {13 new emails in your inbox} i clicked on that then i scanned the emails for his name. Once, twice, three times and no use.. there's nothing ..

i leaned back, my eyes filled with tears that i refused to acknowledge, ' So what if he hasn't send me a thing !? so what if he forgot all about me ?? i couldn't care any less' i thought to my self.

That scene repeated itself for the past two months ... Two months and there was nothing from him. And each time i would tell myself that i didn't care .. OH but i cared , i cared a lot.

Two weeks later i had a wedding to attend, a wedding of a very dear friend of the family, she was suddenly getting married with no previous notice .. Everything was fast; her engagement, her wedding preparations and at last her wedding itself.

I dolled up for this one special occasion, i stood in the middle of the ballroom trying to spot a familiar face, and as soon as i saw Hanan i made my way to take my seat next to her.

After Greetings and gossiping, and remarks on every girl on the dancing floor. Because basically we never dance in weddings.. Or for that matter we never dance at all.

Then here comes the blow ..

"Soo, i was at my uncle's last night, my mom w om 3ali kano 6al3een together, maskeeen 3ali he was really sick, i guess he had the flu or .. " hanan was explaining

i didn't wait for her to even finish her sentence.

"WHAT , 3ali is BACK ??"

"umm yea .. you didn't know .. shfeech inzain so surprised ?? " she said in complete amazement

i completely forgot that Hanan knows nothing about this summer puppy love if i may call it that, i tried to think of ways to justify my reaction to this piece of news. nothing came across my mind.

"Haa , laa2.. umm .. bas inna i didn't know .. so anyway meta rad ?? "

" Curls .. i wasn't born yesterday .. SPILL and i mean right now "

there was no way out of it .. Soo i spilled .. i poured my heart out, but i tried as much as i can to remain strong ..to hide the emotions that were swelling up inside of me.

" AAAaawwwww, 7adkom laygeen 3ala ba3ath " she commented after i was done

i pinched her arm " Yalla 3ad chub, it's probably nothing , i guess it already ended" i said

"Ouch, Heey you never know, you didn't even see him yet, y9eer 5air this Thursday"

THAT Thursday

it was time. i went to my room to prepare, a little bit earlier than usual. i dragged my desk chair and placed it just in front of my wardrobe, and i threw myself onto it. i kept staring at the over packed wardrobe thinking what should i wear, its been almost three months since the last time i saw him, i must be just gorgeous. it took me about two hours to get ready, i even borrowed my moms designer shoes, and they weren't my size but i managed to keep them on.

i showed up there, my heart beating so hard, it was the only thing i could hear. my stomach was butterflies free for a long time now, but tonight they decided to revisit just in time when our eyes locked.

i was just on my way into the house while he was coming down the stairs, his head was bent down staring at his feet as they made their way down the marble blocks, and as soon as he reached the floor and he adjusted his head to its normal position, his eyes focused on me just opposite of him.

i lowered my head instantly, and for some reason i decided to ignore his presence, for a moment of awkward silence it should've been a moment , 5 seconds at the most, this seemed to take 5 years.

I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him, i wanted to hold his hands and just feel his skin against mine, I wanted to stare in his eyes, smile and just catch up, but then I remembered HE forgot all about me. HE never emailed, he never msgd, he didn't even tell me that he was back.

Suddenly with no further notice, my heart was burning with hatred that was inexplicable. I just wanted to be away from him. So I went on my way not giving him another glance, not even saying hi.

He stood in his place frozen; his eyes followed me up the stairs.

As I walked away from him, I felt something ripping me apart, I wanted to go back, apologize and just say hi, like nothing ever happened. But for a girl with a pride as huge as mine that was not an option.

I managed to go through with the evening not looking at him, not smiling when he caught my eyes, not trying to catch a moment alone with him. And surprisingly I thought that it was working really well.

Until it was time to go home, we were all standing outside in the garden for last minute chit-chats.

I was really tired, just standing next to my mom not really listening to what she’s saying, I tilted my head to the side a bit to rest my neck and looked away for a second.

Then HE gave me a look, a look of longing, yearning, unfulfilled dreams.

And I looked away.

On the way back home, that look was eating me inside out, my tears rolled down my cheeks in complete silence.

And my heart kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer... What the hell happened??

Don't really know why i'm writing this post now ..

I was just studying for an exam i have on Monday, I had a couple of notes on Epilepsy ..
It's types, treatments and all .. so i was trying to understand the types and how each one occur, and i thought there must be something on the internet..

I searched Grand-mal and Absence seizures on YouTube ..
.. i watched them and tears started their way down my cheeks instantly ..

i wanted to write this just to raise awareness .. coz there's many classes of epilepsy .. types that you wouldn't even consider as a disease .. specially those that are common in children ... it's just heart aching .. Early diagnosing can solve the problem easily.

The Grand-mal is the typical kind of seizure when a person get rigid muscles and usually fall to the ground, that would last for minutes and may not breath for up to 30 seconds and then its followed by body convulsions.

The other type , the Absence (petit mal) seizure are more common in children it can be very subtle that no one would actually notice .. it's a brief attention lapse and there might be an act of blinking of the eyelids.

it commonly occurs when the child is talking, conversing or just being busy doing anything and then he'd suddenly stop blink a little and then get back to what he was saying like nothing happened, basically coz he is not aware of what just happened. so you see how its something you'd dismiss easily .. maybe you'd think that he lost attention for a second and that its fairly normal .. well its not .. coz this child is having a seizure.

If this was not diagnosed and treated early .. it could very likely be more serious and more frequent which then will seriously affect their lives.

Watch THIS and THIS Video .. to get an idea

The second video is a really mild and a subtle seizure ... i couldn't see it at first myself but that's why its important that you educate yourself.

The following are typical conversations with my Hubby ..

One Day ...

We're taking a walk in the infamous X-street, the sun is bright and high up, the sky is coloured with the blue-ist shade of blue ... We are perfectly happy and enjoying our walk.

We pass next to a flower stand, i stare longingly at the Roses and Tulips, the lillies and peonies are just a great shade of Pink.

" AAAHhhhh " I Sigh ..

no response on the other side .. hmm

" Honey , see that one over there that's Calla and the other one there these are lillies " trying to get him to crack the code.

"Oh , OK " he responds

"Ee bas be'3ait agoolik , u were asking the other day .. ma kent t3aref tfareg !! " i said bas apparently .. no use still w y6ofna el ward :(

Silence ...

we are still walking .. and yet another flower stand come across our way .. you think its a coincidence ?? i think its a SIGN .. HUH !!

I think to myself as we are approaching the gorgeous tubs of flowers .. should i keep trying to make him understand that i want flowers .. ya3ny ham ba3ad age6 na'3zat .. or should i just be straight forward w agoola Yuba eshtarly ward w 5ALA9 ??

Do i want flowers because i want HIM to give them to me .. or do i just want flowers and period ??

as soon as we come in distance to smell the vibrant scents of the countless combination of sweet coloured blossoms.

I realize that i want FLOWERS and Period .... i couldn't help myself anymore .. " Ya3ny meta ra7 teshtreeely ward ?? " i blurted out

" Haa .. a9lan ana kent bashtreelich ward bas dam enich u asked now it will seem as though i bought flowers just because you asked me to .. which is not the case , i guess i'll just have to buy u flowers another time just so u see that i WANT to .. " he replies

" La walllaaaaa " i protested

" EEee Wallla ..."

"UFFF aby ward "

" ma7ad galich tetkalmain lo mo metkalma chan el7een maska ward ib eedich "

That one day I went back home with empty hands ...


Another Day ...

We are taking another one of our walks .. but this time it's raining this annoying kinda light rain and its windy as well, we had a small break before each one of us have to go back to work.

We just finished lunch, taking a short walk on X-street again, i have a lecture in 30 mins and i have to head back to uni, Aaaand we pass by the flower stand, the cursed flower stand.

" 7abeebty yalla nagay which kinda flowers u want " He said with a huge smile on his face

"What ??? NOW ?? "

" Ee now Yalla "

" i have a lecture in 3o mins .. wain a7e6 el ward inshallah ?? " i asked in disbelief

" kaifich .. bas tara i wanted to buy you flowers .. mo tgoolen ba3ad i didn't offer "

" La wallaa "

" Eeee Walllaa "

And i went back home with empty hands AGAIN


Some Day ....

I was walking alone after i was done with uni .. just drinking coffee, window shopping and taking sometime alone for myself ..

I passed the Lady selling Flowers and thought ' What the heck! I'll get me some flowers ' and i did .. Just that EASY

That Day i went back home with gorgeous Lillies in my hands :D

I arranged my white Pinkish lillies in my blue vase ... and set them by my window then i just sat on the couch and stared.

when He came back home ...

" Laaa2 ... Laish Sheraitay Ward ?? , i was going to buy you some tomorrow "

Oh Well i guess i can never win this flower battle :S