Dear Diary :-

Welcome to the world :*

2010-10-19T00:25:00.004+01:00

25th July 2010, the day i welcomed my baby to the world. it was a unique experience for sure, one that incorporated all the emotions that i have ever felt in my whole life plus some more new ones.
It was a surreal moment when i saw HIM for the first time (Yes It's a BOY). something was triggered inside of me, much like a switch. i still cant describe that feeling .. i guess its motherhood :)

I cant believe how my life changed in one night, i now have to move armed with diapers, bottles and formula. and even tho i get the constant " you're so young to have a baby " .. i'm enjoying every second of it ... coz just the sight of his tiny teeny hand stretched out to hold my blouse when i'm feeding him is worth the whole wide world. not to mention his smile that sends my heart flying through the roof.

Soo .. now you know where i have been .. Motherhood is a full time job :)

Pregnant !

2010-05-28T13:45:00.007+01:00

I handled the first months of morning sickness

I was ok with the weird cravings

I made it through the unbearable back aches

I got used to stealing all the pillows in the house and stuffing them under my back

I bid farewell to my small tummy and welcomed the huge soccer ball

I made peace with the damn scales .. even though i'm in tears every time i step on them

I gave up on my daily shot of Caffiene

No more heals for me .. but that was fine

the Puffy face still scares me each morning when i wake up ..
and whats more, its still there when i go to sleep at night

BUT

Thats Normal, After all i'm Pregnant
I can take all of that

What I CANT take is

Exams WHILE i'm pregnant

I cant sit on a chair to study let alone sit for 2 straight hours for the exams
and its just perfect when Baby decides to play in the middle of my exam
so in addition to all the stress i'm in trying to remember what the hell i have studied
i have to put up with distraction of the kicks and rolls
and you dont wanna see me trying to reach the table over my soccer ball belly

1 more exam Curls, 1 more and you have the whole summer !

Something NEW

2010-05-08T01:21:00.003+01:00

Thursday
3rd December 2009

4.12 am
I kept shifting and rolling in bed, i tried to sleep but i couldn't. something was weird, something was new. I had a million thoughts wandering around in my head. and i became suspicious.
i know i have gained a few Kgs in the past couple of weeks, but that's because i have a healthy appetite, that does not mean anything.
i placed my hands on my stomach, tried as best as i could to push those thoughts away, and then prepared to surrender... to my dreams.

10.31am
i woke up, got out of bed.
and as i was washing up... i thought why not!
i waited for a few mins .. aand it was a POSITIVE!!

and that was the beginning of a 9 months journey ... YES I'm pregnant.
that was on December, 5 months ago.

now I'm 6 months into my pregnancy ... a couple more and I'll have my baby with me.

Pre-Exam Syndrome

2010-01-15T06:01:00.005Z

burning eyes
throbbing headache
racing heart beats
anxiety
flight of ideas
distractibility

all are symptoms of Exams
I'll call it Pre-Exam syndrome
there's a lot more but i cant make myself write anymore
since i have an exam in 3 hours and a half

i just left my notes on my desk
i cant look at them any longer..
my head is killing me and i cant concentrate
i already swallowed Panadol
it seems the effects haven't kicked in yet

I'm really scared ..
well to be honest i don't recall the last time i got into the exam hall
and wasn't absolutely terrified.

have you ever cheated ??
3omerkom ketabtaw bershama ??
my mind always seems to freeze simply at the prospect of cheating
i tried once to snatch the answers from a friend
but i couldn't make myself do it
I'm just too scared
i simply cant take the risk of being exposed

you can call me a coward if you like !!

i have helped others to cheat from my paper though
in high school ..

anyway i guess i should go back to revising .. uuuhh
well at least writing this post helped a little with the headache

ed3ooly plz !!

Tsk .. Tsk !!

2010-01-09T13:11:00.004Z

Last night while me and my husband were having dinner:

Him: So whats with the girls and their statuses on Facebook ??

Me: Madry i havent been on facebook for ages .. laish sh9ayer ??

Him: well , all the girls have colours on as their statuses , Pink, blue, black .. you name a colour its there !!

Me: HuH ??!!! wait !

i get up and log in into my facebook account.

Turns out to be every girl is posting the colour of her BRA !!! What the HELL ??
you might ask why as i did...

because some stupid person started this whole campaign to raise Breast cancer awareness .. dnt ask me how will that happen ..

But seriously girls.. 3aib 3alaikom !!

shno ya3ny now every guy you have on facebook knows what colour is you bra ..
you do know inna ur bra is considered something private w its part of your underwear that no one should see ?? right ??

i kept imagining girls walking by w the guys thinking "Yep shes wearing Pink with sparkles !!"

Happy Birthday :)

2010-01-05T17:48:00.001Z

My baby's birthday was a couple of days ago, He's older than me now and for the next 7 months he will be, until i catch up with him ;) he he he

Don't you agree that buying gifts for guys is sooooo HARD ?? i never know what to get him, and i can never get hints out of him coz basically he never really wants anything ?? and it gets really exhausting trying to find the perfect gift.

So this year i decided to go with many silly-small-presents.. and we had a good laugh at it.
but i had to get him something not silly .. 3ashan laman its my turn to get all the gifts i get something NICE if you know what i mean ;) so i got him a really NICE tie.

Oh and by the way he opened all his gifts weeks before his birthday .. coz HE didnt want to have a birthday " i dnt know whats so great about birthdays" he said ..

On his real birthday .. i couldnt go with nothing .. so i wrote him a bday card with a huge bunch of roses ... 7abeeeby it was the 1st time anyone has ever brought him flowers .. coz usually i'm the one whose getting those :P

and surprisingly he was really happy with the roses he even cut and arranged them himself, admiring his work every 2 mins.

so i guess Guys do like flowers after all.. or maybe just MY guy :P aaahh a new reason to fall in love with him even more .. coz that means even more flowers for me :D

BaBy i Love you MORE than Chocolate :)
w enjoy being older ;)

Happy New Year !!

2009-12-31T21:57:00.004Z

Its still a couple of hours in here before the clock strikes twelve ..
i really hope 2010 will be better than 09.
well it has to be..

i never made new year resolutions before, and i don't intend on starting now
i have a feeling I'll have enough in my hands to keep me busy for the whole of that year.

09 wasn't really that big to me .. i actually cant think of one thing that happened and was really special .. oh wait .. there's ONE thing .. but that'll be on another post..

OK.. OK , i have a feeling inny ga3ed as7abkom weyay to the depressed mood i am in..
well i cant be blamed ..
I'm alone ..
mjabla el computer..
my notes are scattered everywhere ..
i'm studying for my damned exams ..
i'm having a piercing headache ..
w HUNGRY

Soo plz plz plz 2010 .. I'm begging you ..
be Kind to me unlike ur older sister ..
w give me reasons to feel happy, content, blessed, lucky, fortunate.
let me be thankful for you when you leave us ..
5aleny athkrech bel 5air 2010.

Oh .. I'm waiting for Google to congratulate me with the new year, i've heard that the site fills with confetti and Happy new years .. with the clock strikes midnight .. if its real I'll let you know

HAPPY NEW YEAR .. a la Google ;)

UPDATE : It's REAL

13. Hate is not the opposite of love ..

2009-12-30T19:26:00.000Z

I came back from school, ran up the stairs to my room dropped my bags, changed my school uniform washed up, and then i jumped on to the computer to check my email.

i waited for the browser to connect like it was taking forever, my eyes were fixed on the left hand corner where its supposed to show how many new emails I've got. it downloaded alright and i rolled the mouse to the {13 new emails in your inbox} i clicked on that then i scanned the emails for his name. Once, twice, three times and no use.. there's nothing ..

i leaned back, my eyes filled with tears that i refused to acknowledge, ' So what if he hasn't send me a thing !? so what if he forgot all about me ?? i couldn't care any less' i thought to my self.

That scene repeated itself for the past two months ... Two months and there was nothing from him. And each time i would tell myself that i didn't care .. OH but i cared , i cared a lot.

Two weeks later i had a wedding to attend, a wedding of a very dear friend of the family, she was suddenly getting married with no previous notice .. Everything was fast; her engagement, her wedding preparations and at last her wedding itself.

I dolled up for this one special occasion, i stood in the middle of the ballroom trying to spot a familiar face, and as soon as i saw Hanan i made my way to take my seat next to her.

After Greetings and gossiping, and remarks on every girl on the dancing floor. Because basically we never dance in weddings.. Or for that matter we never dance at all.

Then here comes the blow ..

"Soo, i was at my uncle's last night, my mom w om 3ali kano 6al3een together, maskeeen 3ali he was really sick, i guess he had the flu or .. " hanan was explaining

i didn't wait for her to even finish her sentence.

"WHAT , 3ali is BACK ??"

"umm yea .. you didn't know .. shfeech inzain so surprised ?? " she said in complete amazement

i completely forgot that Hanan knows nothing about this summer puppy love if i may call it that, i tried to think of ways to justify my reaction to this piece of news. nothing came across my mind.

"Haa , laa2.. umm .. bas inna i didn't know .. so anyway meta rad ?? "

" Curls .. i wasn't born yesterday .. SPILL and i mean right now "

there was no way out of it .. Soo i spilled .. i poured my heart out, but i tried as much as i can to remain strong ..to hide the emotions that were swelling up inside of me.

" AAAaawwwww, 7adkom laygeen 3ala ba3ath " she commented after i was done

i pinched her arm " Yalla 3ad chub, it's probably nothing , i guess it already ended" i said

"Ouch, Heey you never know, you didn't even see him yet, y9eer 5air this Thursday"

THAT Thursday

it was time. i went to my room to prepare, a little bit earlier than usual. i dragged my desk chair and placed it just in front of my wardrobe, and i threw myself onto it. i kept staring at the over packed wardrobe thinking what should i wear, its been almost three months since the last time i saw him, i must be just gorgeous. it took me about two hours to get ready, i even borrowed my moms designer shoes, and they weren't my size but i managed to keep them on.

i showed up there, my heart beating so hard, it was the only thing i could hear. my stomach was butterflies free for a long time now, but tonight they decided to revisit just in time when our eyes locked.

i was just on my way into the house while he was coming down the stairs, his head was bent down staring at his feet as they made their way down the marble blocks, and as soon as he reached the floor and he adjusted his head to its normal position, his eyes focused on me just opposite of him.

i lowered my head instantly, and for some reason i decided to ignore his presence, for a moment of awkward silence it should've been a moment , 5 seconds at the most, this seemed to take 5 years.

I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him, i wanted to hold his hands and just feel his skin against mine, I wanted to stare in his eyes, smile and just catch up, but then I remembered HE forgot all about me. HE never emailed, he never msgd, he didn't even tell me that he was back.

Suddenly with no further notice, my heart was burning with hatred that was inexplicable. I just wanted to be away from him. So I went on my way not giving him another glance, not even saying hi.

He stood in his place frozen; his eyes followed me up the stairs.

As I walked away from him, I felt something ripping me apart, I wanted to go back, apologize and just say hi, like nothing ever happened. But for a girl with a pride as huge as mine that was not an option.

I managed to go through with the evening not looking at him, not smiling when he caught my eyes, not trying to catch a moment alone with him. And surprisingly I thought that it was working really well.

Until it was time to go home, we were all standing outside in the garden for last minute chit-chats.

I was really tired, just standing next to my mom not really listening to what she’s saying, I tilted my head to the side a bit to rest my neck and looked away for a second.

Then HE gave me a look, a look of longing, yearning, unfulfilled dreams.

And I looked away.

On the way back home, that look was eating me inside out, my tears rolled down my cheeks in complete silence.

And my heart kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer... What the hell happened??

Epilepsy

2009-11-28T03:52:00.004Z

Don't really know why i'm writing this post now ..

I was just studying for an exam i have on Monday, I had a couple of notes on Epilepsy ..
It's types, treatments and all .. so i was trying to understand the types and how each one occur, and i thought there must be something on the internet..

I searched Grand-mal and Absence seizures on YouTube ..
.. i watched them and tears started their way down my cheeks instantly ..

i wanted to write this just to raise awareness .. coz there's many classes of epilepsy .. types that you wouldn't even consider as a disease .. specially those that are common in children ... it's just heart aching .. Early diagnosing can solve the problem easily.

The Grand-mal is the typical kind of seizure when a person get rigid muscles and usually fall to the ground, that would last for minutes and may not breath for up to 30 seconds and then its followed by body convulsions.

The other type , the Absence (petit mal) seizure are more common in children it can be very subtle that no one would actually notice .. it's a brief attention lapse and there might be an act of blinking of the eyelids.

it commonly occurs when the child is talking, conversing or just being busy doing anything and then he'd suddenly stop blink a little and then get back to what he was saying like nothing happened, basically coz he is not aware of what just happened. so you see how its something you'd dismiss easily .. maybe you'd think that he lost attention for a second and that its fairly normal .. well its not .. coz this child is having a seizure.

If this was not diagnosed and treated early .. it could very likely be more serious and more frequent which then will seriously affect their lives.

Watch THIS and THIS Video .. to get an idea

The second video is a really mild and a subtle seizure ... i couldn't see it at first myself but that's why its important that you educate yourself.

My Quest for Flowers

2009-11-06T15:06:00.006Z

The following are typical conversations with my Hubby ..

One Day ...

We're taking a walk in the infamous X-street, the sun is bright and high up, the sky is coloured with the blue-ist shade of blue ... We are perfectly happy and enjoying our walk.

We pass next to a flower stand, i stare longingly at the Roses and Tulips, the lillies and peonies are just a great shade of Pink.

" AAAHhhhh " I Sigh ..

no response on the other side .. hmm

" Honey , see that one over there that's Calla and the other one there these are lillies " trying to get him to crack the code.

"Oh , OK " he responds

"Ee bas be'3ait agoolik , u were asking the other day .. ma kent t3aref tfareg !! " i said bas apparently .. no use still w y6ofna el ward :(

Silence ...

we are still walking .. and yet another flower stand come across our way .. you think its a coincidence ?? i think its a SIGN .. HUH !!

I think to myself as we are approaching the gorgeous tubs of flowers .. should i keep trying to make him understand that i want flowers .. ya3ny ham ba3ad age6 na'3zat .. or should i just be straight forward w agoola Yuba eshtarly ward w 5ALA9 ??

Do i want flowers because i want HIM to give them to me .. or do i just want flowers and period ??

as soon as we come in distance to smell the vibrant scents of the countless combination of sweet coloured blossoms.

I realize that i want FLOWERS and Period .... i couldn't help myself anymore .. " Ya3ny meta ra7 teshtreeely ward ?? " i blurted out

" Haa .. a9lan ana kent bashtreelich ward bas dam enich u asked now it will seem as though i bought flowers just because you asked me to .. which is not the case , i guess i'll just have to buy u flowers another time just so u see that i WANT to .. " he replies

" La walllaaaaa " i protested

" EEee Wallla ..."

"UFFF aby ward "

" ma7ad galich tetkalmain lo mo metkalma chan el7een maska ward ib eedich "

That one day I went back home with empty hands ...

Another Day ...

We are taking another one of our walks .. but this time it's raining this annoying kinda light rain and its windy as well, we had a small break before each one of us have to go back to work.

We just finished lunch, taking a short walk on X-street again, i have a lecture in 30 mins and i have to head back to uni, Aaaand we pass by the flower stand, the cursed flower stand.

" 7abeebty yalla nagay which kinda flowers u want " He said with a huge smile on his face

"What ??? NOW ?? "

" Ee now Yalla "

" i have a lecture in 3o mins .. wain a7e6 el ward inshallah ?? " i asked in disbelief

" kaifich .. bas tara i wanted to buy you flowers .. mo tgoolen ba3ad i didn't offer "

" La wallaa "

" Eeee Walllaa "

And i went back home with empty hands AGAIN

Some Day ....

I was walking alone after i was done with uni .. just drinking coffee, window shopping and taking sometime alone for myself ..

I passed the Lady selling Flowers and thought ' What the heck! I'll get me some flowers ' and i did .. Just that EASY

That Day i went back home with gorgeous Lillies in my hands :D

I arranged my white Pinkish lillies in my blue vase ... and set them by my window then i just sat on the couch and stared.

when He came back home ...

" Laaa2 ... Laish Sheraitay Ward ?? , i was going to buy you some tomorrow "

Oh Well i guess i can never win this flower battle :S

Marshmellow Test !!!

2009-09-21T03:09:00.005+01:00

I litterly met men el thi7ek ...
it's really late .. or shall i say early since its 5 am so it morning .. Good Morning by the way :P
Hubby is fast asleep .. i couldnt go to bed so ge3adt surfing the net ...
i saw this and couldnt keep quiet .. laughed real hard bas he didnt wake up :P
El7amdella :D
see this w have a HaPPY EiD :)

Mbarak 3alaikom il shahar :)

2009-08-22T15:33:00.006+01:00

First Of all , Mbarak 3alaikom el shahar w kel 3am w entaw b5air ..

i have no idea why bas a7es this year Ramathan ibser3a yee .. i wasnt ready yet .. Hmm .. nevertheless i'm glad its here coz it rises my spirituality, and i feel so safe and protected for some reason.

I was extremely BUSY lately .. there's a lot that's going on through my life lately ..
starting from the family vacation that i recently came back from..
to preparing for my next course w mul7a8atoho ;P

i still have a lot to do ..
i should get my UK visa renewed ..
i should get a US visa ..
i have a couple of Dr appointment kashta feehom w i shouldnt really ..
i should catch up on my reading . bas il7een i have no time
coz i should condense my Quran readings
i should buy a dara3a 7ag my family's yearly gergee3an ..
and i have nothing to wear coz i never have worn a dara3a in my life , w this time i have no excuse not to ..
i should buy my Eid outfit .. which i'm seriuosly thinking of 6anishing .. coz maly 5elg alef el soug..

hmmm .. what else
Oh yes i have a couple of birthdays/gatherings to attend ..
w men zemaaaaaaan mo shayfa any of my frndz elly wedhom yethb7oony
bas shsaweee ?? :S

P.s Daddy's Girl thanx hun for asking about me .. i guess the above has answered ur Qs ;)

2 Tickets to ...

2009-07-17T17:18:00.003+01:00

My Anniversary is tomorrow ...
and My hubby surprised me with 2 tickets to DUBAI
YaaaaaaY!!
madry laish but the idea of having a two day escapade is very much exciting :P
So ppl i guess i'll see you all in two days :D

P.s .. thank you Danderma .. for the idea .. madry maybe u inspired him :P

12. and he left ...

2009-07-11T15:27:00.004+01:00

“shga3ed tsaween ihny baba ??” my dad asked me taking a look at 3ali as if acknowledging his presence .

“wala shay baba bas yait a5eth el walkman malee” I answered , my heart was beating fast .. it’s definitely not the time for my dad to find out.

“ umm, ha 3ali wain raye7 ?? ” dad turned to the other side

“ la 3amy bas kent ba6la3 atmasha bara” we both seemed very nervous

I grabbed my walkmen , and gave my dad the keys “be’3ait shay baba ?” I asked

“ Ee aby a5eth el thermos kan bel sayara” he said as he also grabbed it from the driver’s side and he walked with me back to the chalet.

Till this day I’m not sure whether he suspected something or not, all I know is he never talked about it, so I assumed he didn’t hear a thing.

Next week ... the gathering was in our house.

After I helped my mom through dinner going up and down the stairs to bring this and that to the buffet in the basement, I was exhausted. I went up and threw myself on the couch to catch my breath...

‘wain 3ali ?? , I was so busy with the dinner, I haven’t even seen him !! hmm’ I thought to myself

I have a thing .. when I’m in a crowd and I’m surrounded with people, I tend to slack back and take a few minutes for myself to be alone .. Before going back to the social GALA

So I got up and went to the front door .. I opened the door and got out ... I sat on the small balcony in the front porch ... I just stayed there for a couple of minutes thinking of no particular thing...

“ AALLOOO .. ALLOOO , ee asma3ek el7een !! ee gool !!” 3ali said as he got out of the house and closed the door behind him.

He didn’t notice me sitting in the corner, he walked a few steps forward talking with his pal, and when he ended the call and turned around .. HE smiled ..

“ Curls !!! shetsaween ga3da bara ???” HE exclaimed

“Umm ... wala shay” I smiled

He came closer to where I’m sitting and stood right in front of me ..

“Ha how was ur graduation ??” I asked

“ GOOD walla wanasa , 6ela3t ma3a rab3y after the ceremony .. it was fun” he answered

We talked a bit more about random stuff ...

“ so shno m8adem el7een , wain ib tadres??” I asked

“I’m thinking of staying at school for year 12 ..” He said

“9ij !! ZAAIN ..” I was thrilled coz I knew he intended to study abroad , this would mean more time together..

“BAS ..” he started

“BAS what ??”

“oboy ygool a7sanly I start now .. its an advantage for me since I graduated early .. so I thought I would study medicine abroad” He explained

“OH .. but ... but that means .. umm .. “ I wanted to say a lot of things .. I wanted to tell him not to go .. I wanted him to stay here where I could see him every Thursday .. I wanted him near.. but I didn’t say anything “Yeah , that’s great .. you’ve always wanted to be a doctor” I ended my sentence, and forced a smile on my face.

“I already did my papers, bas na6er I get accepted for the scholarship” He said

“aha” I couldn’t reply, I couldn’t talk .. my eyes started stinging so I turned around..

“I have to go now” I said as I pushed the door and went inside.

There was something in me that wanted to stop HIM, he cant go .. he cant leave me here alone .. what am I going to do ??

It was all so fast, I didn’t have the time to take it all in, I would still wake up at the morning thinking that it was all just a dream.

He told me once that he regrets not telling me earlier about his feelings, and it kept me wondering why when it was just perfect, he had to go ?

His date of departure was decided, he was to go in early September .. which leaves us only a few weeks.

And on the last week before he left ..

I was adjusting my 7ijab in the mirror when I heard 3ali’s mom talking

“3ali, wadait el 7ilo 7ag el ryayeel ??” she asked

“ee Yuma”I heard his voice and turned around

“w etha taboon el chay mawjood bel ma6ba5”she said as she headed upstairs

“inshallah” He said as he turned around and motioned to me to follow him

I held my ground as I wondered what he would possibly want with me.

“ta3alay”it was the first time he ever called me

“laish?”I was suspicious now

“ta3alay agoolich”

I slowly made my way to where he was and followed him to the reading room in their house. He stopped there.

He opened a drawer and grabbed a small cream envelope.

“this is for you” He said as he handed it to me without looking into my eyes.

“what is this??”I smiled

Of course I knew what that was, it was a letter for sure, my first love letter.

I ran my fingers through the lap of the envelope; I meant to read it right then.

“la2 egreeha ba3dain, when ur alone” he said, his head still lowered; his shoes suddenly seemed interesting to him :P

“sure” I replied

We had a moment of silence.

“3ali u will keep in touch, wont you?, I mean when u go there”

“I don’t know how its gonna be in there, but I will try as much as I can”

I nodded and went upstairs to place the letter where no one could see it.

The night ended and we said our goodbyes only by stealing glances and stares.

Two days after he left and I felt empty, I felt the wind blowing right through me, I felt drained out of my energy.. I laid in bed and grabbed the small cream envelope from my bed side drawer and read.

‘I know I’m leaving, but you’ll always be with me ... in my heart’

Anniversary !!

2009-07-09T13:05:00.003+01:00

People i need H.E.L.P
My Anniversary is coming up in a week
and i have no idea what to get HIM for a present
let alone what to do ??

i was thinking of Sahara resort anyone recommends it ??
Ideas people hurry !!

11. Out in the open

2009-07-06T18:09:00.002+01:00

We talked for hours at no end, I stayed on msngr as I never did before , I talked to him about everything , and he was so easy to share stuff with , I wouldn’t think twice about what I would say .. it was the most natural thing in the world to be with HIM.

Yet everything was innocent , all we ever did was just chat, and steal glances at gatherings , we had to be careful not to show anything ... coz after all we ARE cousins .

I thought a lot about this situation, our situation, its much more complicated than if I had a relationship with someone I didn’t know.

Being family made it extra hard to express my feelings, I’d think a thousand times before I made a move. Being family meant that he’ll be around me for the rest of my life considering how close our family is.

Questions were always a matter of what will happen now? To where will this leads US? What IF it ended? How will it end? Will it be UGLY ??

I knew how complicated it can get because I know 7anan !

Hanan got to know a guy from obviously something called the internet :S her relationship evolved into mobiles and eventually seeing each other every now and then.

To be honest I never thought that her relationship would work , not for a minute and I tried to tell her but she refused to listen, she was holding on to him and maybe at some point so was he. She went through a lot of drama and I had to be there for her.

But Hanan’s story is a whole other story.

Anyway .. my thoughts of US never escaped my head, on one hot summer Thursday we decided we should gather in the chalets.

I was walking with Esraa; one of my younger cousins .. She basically have a crush on every single guy she ever saw in her life ... including 3ali.

Esraa is the kind of girl who takes life so easily, her main interest is talking about school and guys, she’s funny and she has the most peculiar laugh, I for some reason always connected that to her being overweight.

“ GOOOLay , goolay el 9ij , 3umrech ma 7abaitay a7ad”esraa was enthusiastic about her attempts to unveil my mysterious love life.

“Esraa2oo CHUB 3aad” I answered smiling

“come on , u have to have someone”

“3aaaib, I don’t have anyone, w 7ata lo I do why would I tell you ??” I teased

“Chathaaaabaaa .. a9lan ana adry mno t7been !!” ya3ny betsa7eb 7achy mny

“9ij !! yalla mno ??” I said as I was kicking around a pebble with my foot

“hatha elly jedamich” and she laughed her one of a kind laugh

I lifted my head to see who she was talking about and I saw 3ali walking towards us and he smiled one of those smiles that would send my heart to the top of my head, I lowered my head instantly.

“la ba3ad yebtesemlich .. aGoool haaaay tara hatha 7agyy mo ashufech tgarbeen 9oooba “ and she started laughing so hard

‘If only she knew’ I thought :P

She then pulled me to the house ..

“Curls ta3alay baroo7 el ‘3orfa ... entay ogfay 3nd el bab”

“sh3ndich ??”

“tell u later !” She said as she got into the room and slammed the door behind her

I waited for her outside, I rested on a couch nearby... not more than 5 seconds later the door opened and 3ali came in and he threw himself on an armchair opposite of me. He then just looked at me and smiled.

I always wondered how come he never talked; he always smiled at me and waited for me to start up a conversation... was he that confident of himself ??

“laish ga3ed broo7ek, why aren’t you with the other guys??” I asked

“bas ta3ban, male 5elg” He smiled again

I lowered my head a bit as a moment of silence passed

“Curls .. be’3aitay tgoolen shay 7agy the other day while we were chatting on msngr?? What was it ??” he had a puzzled look on his face

“ma athker” I lied

Of course I remember, a few days back we were chatting on msn and I had a moment of weakness maybe, when I wanted to tell him how much I’m in love with him, OH yes I LOVE him !! luckily my mom was calling me at the same time so I didn’t get to finish what I was saying .. the only thing he read is ‘I have something to tell you , but I don’t know how .....’

“embala , you said that u wanted to tell me something bas ba3dain u had to go !!”he was dying to know.

“UMMmm”I pretended I was trying to remember .. well I was thinking if I should tell him.. if it was the time or was it too early

He was still looking at me when I blurted out “well .. I don’t JUST like you”

I didn’t wait for his reaction, I didn’t even look at his face, coz simply I’m the kind of girls that prefer running to confronting :S, so I opened the door to the room and shoved myself inside at the same time when Esraa screamed and cursed me .. obviously she was changing her clothes :P

The evening progressed with me trying to avoid him and him following me trying to talk to me, I tried as much as I can not to look him in the eyes and at the same time I managed to always stay amongst a huge group of girls so he wouldn’t have the courage to approach me.

After dinner I decided I should take a walk on the beach alone .. just to clear my head, so before I did that I had to go and pick up my walkman (sha5baree :P I still have it though, he he ) so I started my way towards my dad’s Yukon and as I opened the door and climbed inside I heard the sound of approaching footsteps, I rummaged through my stuff trying to get my hands on my walkman as fast as I can to get back to the chalet when I heard someone calling my name ....

“Curls !!”

“haah” I answered as I turned my head around to see who was it, it was 3ali

“I feel the same way about you too” he said

Just at that same moment my dad showed up out of nowhere !!!

It's Been SOME TIME :S

2009-07-04T02:02:00.005+01:00

WoW , i know i know ... 7ady nesait my blog ... bas walla it's not me .. men awal ma 6abait il kuwait w i've been sooo busy .. a list of what i've been doing lately ...

Awal shay akeed .. lazem aroo7 bait oboy 3ashan atnaga3 3nd omy w akel a7la mechabees .. w a5areb el rejeem ... w ashba3 mangooo :P

thany shay .. family gatherings .. cant complain w cant skip those or i'd be killed

thirdly ;) .. those social obligations elly i hate ... wa7da wledat .. wa7da tzawejat .. wa7da tawha skenat bait yeded .. 3roos esti8balat ma t5ale9 ... w my mom kil youm la7gatny adry mno yes2al 3anich ... wlazem tzoooreen madry mno .. w kilhom men ahalha .. w 3aylat omy mashallah ne9 il kuwait :S

ba3dain .. eyee my turn ... aby adesh gym .. coz my DAD elly ohwa oboy .. elly ib 7yata w 3omra ma tkalam 3an wazny .. gally i'm FAT :O .. soo extreme measures should be taken .. w i joined el gym w i did lose weight i think :S .. I'm not sure bas a7es 5agait shway

umm what else ... Eeee .. she8ety el 3azeeza .. matrooosa '3bar .. ba3d el tan'6eef el shamel lazem i stock it with junk food .. w after that comes el ta3deelat .. from changing light bulbs to checking on the A/C

Shopping , Shopping , Shopping .. need i say more ;)

sooo sheftaw shkither I've been busy , let alone all the other stuff i wanted to do w lail7een haven't found the time :s

P.s .. I'll get back to posting inshallah ASAP
w madry laish ilyoum 3ajbatny el alwan :P

Going Back Home :D

2009-06-08T00:34:00.003+01:00

Home ..
Tomorrow ...
Really Miss it ...

Need i say more ;)

Quick Quick !!

2009-06-03T07:21:00.003+01:00

A very Quick post ...

my last step to freedom is in a couple of hours,
i havent studied very well
i'm not confident...
i have no idea shra7 ahabeb in my last exam
i lost all my energy to study..

BUT

here i am attempting this one last time to take an exam that
i'm not only not prepared for, but i'm scared out of my pants from..

ALLAH KAREEM

10. “Love is an attempt to change a piece of a dream-world into reality.”

2009-05-29T13:37:00.008+01:00

Just an updated note: The following happened the weekend Just after the msngr night (Part 9), i was almost 16 years old at that time.

I opened my eyes .. and took a glance at my bed side digital clock.. its 6.30am i haven't slept at all and now i have to go to school.

i contemplated the idea of playing sick to stay at home, maybe I'd say i have a bad stomach ache or a headache .. both are very believable .. my mom wouldn't suspect a thing. i dismissed the idea as i remembered that i have a physics class .. and I'm sure that if i missed one I'll be clueless through out the whole week ..

So i got up, washed up and got dressed.

At school .. i couldn't concentrate on anything that came out from the teachers lips .. i kept remembering the conversation i had with him .. and every now and then I'd smile to myself.

that state of me lasted for a couple of days, i was always thinking , never paying attention and day dreaming almost half of the time.
but don't get me wrong this thing never affected my life in anyway .. i was still me only with a HUGE secret.
i wanted to tell someone , i wanted to speak , i didn't care how i just needed to get this thing off of my chest.. but i couldn't .. HE's not just any guy .. HE's my cousin

" mama wain el yam3a hal esboo3 .. ?? " i asked

"bait 3amech 3abdallah " she answered still occupied with checking my little sis homework.

After the the Prayers, My dad told us to get ready to go to my Uncle's house for dinner. we'd all hurry to our rooms each picking something to wear and my dad would still be sitting in his place waiting for us .. not dressed ... and just when were about to finish he'd get up and go get dressed in less than 2 mins .. amazing huh?!

**

I got out of the car, helped my little sister out and then waited for my mother , so I would walk inside with her.

I heard my uncle’s voices , they were sitting in the garden outside.

I wasn’t ready to see HIM yet , something huge has happened and now nothing is ever gonna be the same again, he’s probably sitting there with my uncles waiting for me to show up .. but I cant .. my heart was beating fast now and my face was all red .. I was so nervous that by just taking a look at me you’d know there’s something wrong.

“Curls yalla deshay ” my mom nudged

“Kany mama el7een” I said as I carried the plate of hot lasagna and hurried inside after my mom

As soon as I crossed the wooden gate I scanned the whole place and took a deep breath when I realised he wasn’t there , strangely I was relieved.

I said my hellos to my uncle’s, kissing them on their heads, laughing at their little jokes and answering their Questions about what have I brought for dinner, and who have actually made it..
to no one’s surprise it wasn’t me for sure !!

I went to where my mom was sitting and told her that I’m going inside the house to drop the plate in the kitchen and then I’m going to see where are my cousins?

“el banat ga3deen ib ‘3orfat sara , ro7ay da5el entay” my uncle’s wife soon answered my Query

I went inside the house , expecting to see him at every corner, I opened the door and looked behind it just to make sure that there will be no surprises.

I made my way to the kitchen and peaked at first, to see if he’s not there before I gave the plate to the maids and recited my instructions on where to keep it and what to do with it.

Then I took a deep breath and went up the stairs, as I was taking my shoes off to step into the living room ...

“ 9ale7 !! 3ame m7ammad ma ra7 eyee elyoum ?? “ I heard HIS voice asking one of my cousins about my father.

I stopped in my tracks , Oh My God

“ Embala they’re already here !! I just saw Curls ta7at” 9ale7 replied

I stood there in my place for a couple of seconds thinking of what to do, I cant see him now . then on an impulse I stepped into the living room and raced my way to Sara’s room, Yep I practically RAN .. I took a glance at him and saw him smiling at me.

During that night .. we'd steel glances at each other, smiling when no one is paying attention.

My heart fluttered every time i turned my head and saw HIM staring at me across the room, and each time we came face to face I'd feel butterflies in my stomach as i lower my head and walk away.

I went to sleep that night .. thinking SO THIS IS LOVE !!!

So this is love
So this is what makes life devine
I'm all aglow, And now i know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, And i can fly
I'll touch every star in the sky
So this is the mericle that I've been dreaming of
So this is love

Speechless !!

2009-05-24T13:17:00.006+01:00

I'm not saying a word ... Except that He's 73 years old !! zaiiin ma tkasar !!!

Fights !!

2009-05-21T20:06:00.003+01:00

I Hate Them

I Hate trying to Explain my point of view

I Hate the feelings that starts to build up inside of me

I Hate that I cant control my feelings

I Hate that lump when it forms in my throat and i cant breath

I Hate that Tears don't obey my brain when trying to stop them

I Hate that look on your Face

I Hate the Stupid reasons that started the fight in the first place

I Hate that you don't understand how much i need you

I Hate The soar eyes and the throbbing headache , afterwards

BUT

I LOVE YOU
SO DONT FIGHT WITH ME AGAIN

and for GOD's SAKE

HOLD MY HAND !!!!

Examz ... peaking from the corner

2009-05-18T20:18:00.003+01:00

My desk is messy , my brain is messier ...
i'm scared to death ..
coz to be honest i haven't studied as i should have ..
....
alla yester..
PLZ GOD ..
i'm only asking for a pass :S

Tired of the Rain

2009-05-17T20:05:00.005+01:00

That's IT ... we9alt 7addy .. I'm really TIRED .

Tired of Studying

Tired of here

Tired of the weather

Tired of being alone

Tired of staying at my apartment all day .. all alone

Tired of the rain

Tired of people

Tired of my Stupid major

Tired of TV

Tired of my Computer .. elly mjableta 24 hrs

Tired of my whole life ..

Its been raining here for a whole week ... and its making everything else sooo much worse ... ya3ny inshallah meta y9eer el 9aaaif .. 6oool el sena shetaaa :@ ... meta ashooof el shams ... AAAHHH GOD ... i miss KUWAIT

I Miss My MOM

I Miss My sisters

I Miss My room

I Miss Me doing nothing

I Miss the SUN

I Miss the A/C for some reason

I Miss the streets

I Miss the malls

I Miss My little fridge back in my KWTs apartment .. the one that is always empty .. except for KDDs pink orange juice.

I Miss KDD

I Miss Kraft jebin gla9aat

I Miss My bed

I Miss 9amoon falafel :S

I Miss My KUWAIT

9. A dream is a wish your heart makes

2009-04-30T13:33:00.000+01:00

15th May, 2005
Sunday, 2 am

I woke up, my breaths were shallow, my heart was beating so fast it was the only sound i could hear.

i had a dream.. that in seconds was about to come true .. but at that moment i had no idea

i stayed up in bed for about an hour .. shifting and rolling .. i couldn't get back to sleep.

so i get up and sat on my desk , turned on my computer and sat there waiting for it to start.
i signed on my msn .. a couple of my friends were online

i wasnt in the mood to chat .. and i knew i wasnt supposed to be up this late .. plus i have school tomorrow ..

i just sat there .. staring at the monitor .. i was thinking of the dream i had .. i smiled to myself
my eyes were tired yet my mind refused to give in .. so i closed my eyes to rest them for a minute.

*msn msg alert*

i open my eyes to see the little window that just appeared on the bottom right corner of my desktop.

3ali : what are you doing up so late ?

me: just chatting with my friends ...

3ali: this LATE

me: ya3ny why is it OK for you to be staying up this late w ana la2 ??

3ali: i'm a guy :P

me: laaa walla

3ali: loool

me: shtabee ??

3ali: walashay :D

me: Okay

*** Silence for a couple of minutes ***

3ali: Curls ??

me: yea !!

3ali: i wanna ask you something personal !

me: sure, Go ahead.

3ali: if you dont wanna answer , thats fine !

me: umm gool shnoo ?

3ali: Who is ur crush ??

i was surprised !! Hell No i was SHOCKED
my mind suddenly felt heavy, Each word invaded my brain and i couldnt think anymore.. something inside me was urging me to tell him 'Curls this ur chance , just tell him how much you're in love with him' but something else held me back 'Why is he asking me this?? does he know something??'

me: Who told inna i have a crush ??!!

3ali: everyone does

me: well 7ata lo i do , why would i tell you ?

3ali: come on .. tell mee.. i'll tell you who i had a crush on!

OK that's something i really want to know .. but would that mean that i'm willing to put myself in a compromising situation !!

me: mabee ..

3ali: Allah y5aleech :(

I thought about it , and i thought about it more .. more ... and some more
maybe i should tell him !!

me: OK

3ali: :D

me: ....

3ali: YALLA

me: remember in malaysia .. when ur sister read my diaries ??

3ali: Yea i doo

me: Do you know what she read ??

3ali: Nooo ... what does that have to do with this ??? :S

me : weell , she read inna i had a crush on YOU

i pushed the enter button then i stood up .. and got away from my computer ... i had no idea what was the consequences of me telling my cousin, my very close cousin, the one i see every week in my family's get-togethers .. that i actually had a crush on him ...

i was sweating even though my room was freezing .. my heart was beating faster than it ever did .. and i felt this blinding pain in my forehead .. what have i done !!

to defend myself .. i used the word HAD to indicate the PAST .. which means that i have only told him that i had once liked him .. that doesn't necessarily mean that i like him NOW .. even though I'm practically in love with him.

i slowly stepped Back to my computer ...

3ali: OH MY GOD !!!!!!

3ali: mn 9ijech ??

3ali: Since Malaysia ???

3ali: that was like what ... 3 years agoo !!

me: SHUT UP ( i didnt wanna hear anymore ... yuba 3erafna ur surprised!! w obviously u dnt feel the same way.. i almost cried ... laish geltla .. shloan a6el ib wayha ba3ad kel hatha)

3ali: Thats when I had a crush on YOU

My eyes grew wide, my heart skipped several beats, and i forgot to breath.

3ali: Dont you remember?? .. i used to follow you everywhere you went ?? i stole glances at you when you were sitting with the girls ?? God i did some stupid stuff.

me: nooo i dont remember .. ( i was still shocked)

we chatted for an hour .. he told me all bout that crush he HAD on me .. and vice versa

i went back to bed that night for sure .. but sleep didn't find it's way back to me.

FAMILY is the only thing that matters !

2009-04-23T23:59:00.011+01:00

Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

I mentioned before a friend that literally stabbed me in the back; in addition to that this ex-friend is trying to lead a campaign against me to advertise the made up fact that I AM a horrible person.

to my advantage i have ignored every attempt that she made to pick up a fight with me, i ignored every rude remark she made , and every silly thing she tried to provoke me with.

i simply just turned my back on her and went on my way.

i thought to myself that day, it's true, ma7ad befeedikom '3air ur family.
they are the ones that truly care about you, they are the ones that get upset when ur upset, and happy when ur happy, when you accomplish something they are proud of you, and when you fail they will be there for you to make you stand up, push you and cheer for you.

so i thought OMG .. i had a fight with Hanan last semester and we havnt talked since then ( for those who dont know and havnt read my story, Hanan is my cousin and my best friend as long as i can remember )

i felt bad, i know we both did bad stuff, we both are the most stubborn two in the whole family and we both refuse to admit our mistakes.

Every one in the family tried to make us net9ala7 , but no one has ever gotten through to us.

I made a decision ... thats it .. she's family ... el dam 3omra ma y9eer maaay .. 9a7 ??

i'll call her .. w i did ... w 6aaaa7 el 7a6ab .. GOD i'm so PROUD of myself :D

Back from my short BREAK

2009-04-13T02:52:00.004+01:00

SOO , i just came back from a short break at this PLACE .. i had a great time , except i didnt get to do some shopping .. to my husbands delight .. *Hmmm* :P

Anyway .. so in the way back ..

i settled in my chair on the plane , as i waited for HIM to put the bag in place .. we chatted a bit over how great was the trip and how much we needed to get away from the studying environment , that unfortunately we have to get back to as soon as we set foot in No-Mans-Land.

The plain took off and i felt a bit tired .

"ummm ... abyy anaaam " i started whining

" namay !! " HE smiled

" mo daye5 enta ?? "

" La2 .. " HE said

" agoolik shay tsawee wana nayma ?!! " smiling devilishly ;)

" shno ?? "

i picked up my purse from under the seat, and rummaged through it , i got a paper pad and a pen , flipped his table open , placed the pad and pen on it .

" write me a love letter " i said with the widest smile ever

" Laaaaaa Walla , sorry NO , 5ala9 aby anaaam " HE tried to duck the inevitable :P

" Come oooon .. allah y5aleek "

" a9lan ma a3aref shloan " HE pleaded innocent

" YES you DO .. u did it once , you can do it again "

" OKAY , okay 5alaa9 yalla namay " HE gave up

mo geltlokom inevitable :P ..

so i took his hoodie fluffed it into the perfect pillow and adjusted myself on the seat to prepare to sleep.

and i slept .... for about 10 mins ... THEN i decided to take a peak

AND GUESS WHAT I SAW !!

He was so overwhelmed by the task i gave HIM, that he was completely lost

there he was sitting, his back arched to the table .. two papers were torn out of the pad, two others were on one side of the table and then there was the pad he was writing on ..

He was actually making points of what he's going to write on a paper, then copying it to his letter , then he'd scratch the point off of the two papers ..

that looked extremely funny , and i had no idea how i managed not to laugh.

i pretended to be asleep for the rest of the time and when he finished .. i opened my eyes and pretended to wake up :P he gave me the pad and told me not to read it until we're back home.

when we got home . . . i read it and then i told him that i was actually watching him while he was writing it .. and how he was making all these notes and points about what he should write and how to write it ..

Needless to say ... he swore he'll never write me a love letter again .. :S LOL

He's Just Not That Into You !!

2009-04-06T01:49:00.004+01:00

I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason i got so worked up about it.

I was so affected by the movie that i even forgot that HE is sitting next to me, i was so intensely drawn to the concept of the movie that i even forgot to hold HIS hand, i was completely overwhelmed by the actors and the scenes that i even forgot to lay my head on HIS shoulder. and believe me I do NOT forget these stuff, it's actually the one and only reason why i go to the cinema with HIM !!

*
The thing is that the concept the story was built on is soo REAL. the movie talks about how women interpret every word a guy says, every move, every look.
women tend to look behind the scenes for meanings that weren't actually intended by the guy... if you know what i mean , they read between the lines when there is actually nothing to read.

Let's make one thing clear ... i never ever believed that a man can actually be in love utterly and completely ... But i was proven wrong .. and to correct that i have to say this.

Men DO Love , but in their own kinda weird, cold , subtle, elusive way. It's SICK

after making that statement i also will have to say that i never have felt that what a women feels when having a crush, when taking a like to someone or when falling in love was ever even a considerable feeling that a man would ever possibly feel.

Women love with all their might, with all their being, with body and soul.

When we fall in love, we look for signs, we interpret words, we try to decode body language and understand the meanings that rest behind the smiles.

BUT

The truth is , with men there is nothing to interpret, nothing to decode or understand.
You'd want to think that when he smiles at you ...... that maybe there's a chance ... a teeny weeny chance that he might actually likes you , that he might care about you or that you are a matter of interest to him ...

BEEEEB WRONG ANSWER

NOOOO ,,, He just smiled ... nothing to interpret, no sign there .... Don't you even dare ... HOPING !!!

They [ the Guys ] might be right ... why do we need signs, why do we need mysteries ??

The Questions is ... WHY ?

Why do we put ourselves into this endless agony ???

Why do we make a THING of every thing ??!!

Why don't WE make it simple ??

Maybe we just need to .. maybe these are the spices that without, life would be tasteless. maybe this is what keeps us going at the end of the day, no matter how much it might hurt.

On a side note MEN SUCK :P

What are friends for ?

2009-04-02T01:23:00.004+01:00

it's weird how sometimes you think you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, you can open up to, share stuff with, study with , go shopping... you practically do everything with. You think that this person might actually be PERFECT.

But Hey , no body is Perfect right ?

So there have to be a catch, and even though you sooo don't want to admit that, and you may even convince yourself that maybe this person is different, you eventually get THE WAKE UP CALL, THE SMACK ON YOUR HEAD, THE SWITCH TO YOUR BRAIN.. and that is my friends is one situation that throws you off your guard and shows you the true colours of THE SO CALLED PERFECT FRIEND.

unfortunately I'm currently experiencing one of these impostors.

and to be honest that is the first i had so far, I'm probably gonna have more of them, but I'm still dumbfounded by this one.

so the moral of the story ..

Dont trust péople , coz people suck ( exclusions apply)
Friends are never perfect, if they are ... go find another one. coz YOU my friend have been PUNKED.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, so learn from your mistakes

-------------------------------

I know , I know this post SUX , but hey thats LIFE , right ?
anyway i'll try to get back on tracks with the blogging.. C Y'ALL LATER

8. Take 3

2009-03-12T01:11:00.006Z

The door bell rang

the maid litterly jumped the stairs down to open it, my uncle was on the door in his huge safari.

my dad left to Germany for his business meeting the day before and my uncle was to drive us to our beloved mazra3a.

" Salam 3amy " A huge smile sprang on my face

" Hala 3amy , jahzeen wala ba3ad ?? " he bent so i can kiss his head

"ee embala kelna jahzeen bas 5al el 5adam y76ooon el a'3rath bel sayara "

it took 35 mins to get to el mazra3a, a long ride, but i never felt bored coz Curls never left the house without her pen and notebook , i practically wrote everything on my mind, and i mean everything, my head was always swarming with ideas that i have to get rid of. Oh and if i ever got short of things to write .. my Archie digest was there to entertain me :p

we arrived there just before the sunset, and we were always the first to be there. so i was alone.

I hurried to my fave spot on the roof and sat there to watch the sunset, my pen in hand and papers in my lap ... i loved staying there , i liked being alone at such time, i liked how my head swelled with made up memories about HIM.

It's me and HIM , somewhere on a beach, the perfect summer's evening where the breeze is refreshing and subtle, we're walking hand in hand observing the orange sun slowly sinking in the undisturbed water of the huge ocean, the reflections are almost smiling at us. i lean and rest my head on HIS shoulder.

Right at that moment i snap out of my fantasy to reality. the sun has already set and the darkness is taking over. i stretched my arms as i heard my brothers preparing to pray.

Soon after i finished praying, most of my uncles were already there taking their places around the fire.

i brought my pen and notebook, settled myself on a chair, and then started writing ...

i lifted my head for while the pen between my lips and thought of words.

" Ha shga3ed tektbeen ?? " HE appeared out of no where

" Haa... umm nothing "

" aaah is that ur diary ?? "

"Laa2 ... shtaby 3ali bas wa5er "

He sat on a chair next to me just looking at me, in no more than a few minutes his sister sara came and sat next to him. i was still trying to ignore him and paid no attention to his remarks.

" Curly shga3da taktbeen ?? " sara asked

"wala shay " without even lifting my head up.

" ga3ed takteb masha3erha w e7sasat'ha " He sarcastically replied to his sister.

They both laughed.

I stopped writing, closed my notebook slowly, and got up.

' How dare HE ?? shno 8a9da ya3ny?? ya3ny he's making fun of me ?? ' my mind got busy with comments i would've had come up with to get back at him.. i thought about it for a couple of minutes 'Why do i like him ?? apparently HE couldn't care less about me ... HE's actually making fun of me.. ' ... a tear slowly made its way to my eyes and soaked my eyelashes

I went inside, my mom was in the kitchen preparing for dinner. i just didn't want to see HIM , bas mabe akalma, maby ashoofa, maby wala shay to do with HIM, a9lan i hate HIM.

"Mama ... shga3d tsaween 7ag el 3asha ?? "

"wayed ashya2, fee Burger, fee balalee6, 3ametich msawya lasagna w 3amich yayeb men Pizza Hut as usual "

murt 3amy never cooked for gatherings, she obviously would rather ordering from some restaurant than to spend all day ga3da bel ma6ba5 thinking of what to cook , so basically every weekend, 3amy would either order pizza or Fried chicken from KFC. on the other hand my mom always preferred to cook and make her delicious secret recipes that everyone loves.

"umm bas ?? "

"shtabeen ba3ad .. kel hal akel mo 3ajbech ?? "

" La La good, kelshay 7elo " i grabbed a handful of fries and got out of the kitchen.

i took a peek from behind the door, to make sure that HE is gone and then made my way to where all the girls were sitting, i just sat there frustrated with myself, until 7anan came and after she said Hello to everyone she came to sit next to me.

" Shfeech ?? laish wayhich chethy ?? " she asked

"shno shfee wayhee ... ma feeny shay ?? "

"embala imbayen thayeg 5elgich , 7esbalich ma3arfech !! "

" Inzain ta3alee da5el agoolich "

we both went inside, closed the door on ourselves and, i spilled everything little detail, leaving the part where i'm supposed to tell her that i have a crush on HIM.

As soon as we stepped out of the room , he was getting into the living room.

" 3ali , laish m2athy Curls ?? " Hanan said

i looked at her with an incredulous look on my face , embarrassed i lowered my head.

"ana ??? ma sawait shay !! " he replied

"Embala , gayelaha shay em'6ayegha "

"La walla ma gelt shay !! "

"Embala , 3ayal mno joked about 'masha3er w e7sasat' Haaa ?? "i said, my voice higtened a bit and waving my hand, my pen slipped and fell on the ground.

HE smiled that smile of his that made my insides flip, then walked in the direction of my pen and picked it up, HE came back to me and handed me the pen "well, ma nabee Curls tez3al, 3ad killish wala entay " He said still smiling.

On the way back home, i couldnt stop thinking about His words, and his smile still lingered in my head.

Love Story - Taylor Swift

2009-03-07T20:06:00.002Z

I just loved it , it summs up everything i ever felt.

7. Take 2

2009-03-07T00:49:00.007Z

"Curls , come here bagoolech shay " Hanan called.

"wait degeega " i said , i grabbed the bag with the fireworks and hid it under my jacket as i hurried towards the swings where Hanan was.

we settled each on a swing, as we started our weekly conversations about school, friends and guys.

I turned my face to where all the family was sitting bel mazra3a, ans saw him going round and about searching for his fireworks, i smiled to myself and turned to complete the already running conversation with 7anan.

"Curls !! "a voice called

"hala " i turned around only to see him standing behind me.

his face portrayed the confusion of a 3 year old when trying to hold water in hands with open fingers. and i tried my best to hide the growing urge of cracking a humongous laugh right then and there.

"ma cheftay my fireworks ?? , they were in a bag right next to the door" he asked

" Haaa .. ummm ... maaadry , i don't think so " i was still trying not to laugh.

"Curls met2akda ma 5ethaiteehom ?? " he looked at me suspiciously.

i couldn't say a word cause then i would definitely lose the innocent look on my face and be caught for sure.

"yeeebehom , i know u've got them "he finally realized that my expressionless face was screaming with guilt.

" Ok bas 3ala shar6 "i said while laughing.

" Shnoo ?? "

"t5aleeny i light a couple of them "

"La2 , they are mine yeebehom "

" kaifek they are with me, i get to decide not u "

"inzain , 5ala9 5ala9, a5aleech "

all the while 7anan was looking at me smiling, and when i gave him his fireworks, i hurried behind him so he could fulfill his promise to me.

i stood behind him while he lighted the first two with my dad's lighter.

we were surrounded by all my cousins, who were waiting for the the fireworks to light up and fly into the space where they would blow into amazing vibrant colours, we all watched in awe, that was the favourite part of us going to el mazra3a every week in the freezing cold winter.

He called my name so i would go and try lighting up one as he promised he would let me, i walked closer to where he was standing, he gave me the lighter and i bent to the ground.
after the coloured lights faded in the sky, and everyone lowered their heads to its normal position, he came back to me demanding for his lighter, but i was more than just an innocent little girl, i refused.

" Curls , yalla 3aad yeebe el wala3a 5al asheb el bajy "he pleaded

"maby , malat oboy , shtaby enta ?? "

" yeebeeha "

"NOPE "

"shofay , yeebeha tara ayee a6ub 3alaich w a5eth'ha , ma 3ndy suwalef entay bnaya w madry shno "his eyes were gleaming now.

"mabeee " i was a bit scared now , coz he didn't seem like he was joking but i thought he wouldn't dare to do it .

He stepped closer to me , aaand closer ... closer ... closer ...
it was inches only between my face and his, my vision of him started to become blurry considering how close he came.

it was then when my mind came to a full black out, when the back up generator started to work in my brain, i cam to a realization that i should step back , at first i took one step backwards then i jumped back to hide behind Hanan's back.

He was smilling now , and i threw the lighter at him, a million thoughts going about my head at the same time.

6. Take 1

2009-03-02T12:54:00.005Z

it started with a simple childhood crush, when every girl i knew had the hots for some singer or actor i looked for more.

i am a dreamer but i manage to plant my feet in the ground, i refuse to go about day dreaming, i refuse to wish for things that are waay out of my reach. i refuse to let myself be disappointed.

i saw him every week, he was always there, missing not one gathering, he was social and every one liked his personality, he always managed to make me laugh, and he was sarcastic about everything, and to be honest i never saw him serious about anything.

i liked him, i liked his silly comments, i laughed at his jokes, i liked him being around, but i never realized that i liked him even more until we all went on a summer vacation to Malaysia.

there was something about him that draws me so close to him, his eyes, his smile .. he had control over me like no one ever did.. but i refused to admit it.

i told no one how much i was drawn to him not even my closest and bestest friend, Hanan my cousin.

HE is my cousin, he treats me no more different than he treats his only sister!!
What am i doing?? what am i thinking?? i have to stop this NOW

i failed miserably, he had a magnetic Field around him that just kept pulling me closer and closer to him, i had no way of defending myself, i could not resist.

for the 3 weeks of our vacation, my eyes followed him everywhere, i could not stop thinking about him, and i wrote all about him in my diary before i go to sleep each night.

it was innocent, just a little girl having her first taste of a summer crush, nothing worth mentioning.

until one night,

i was extremely tired after a long day of activities, ranging from mountain climbing, to jungle walks to trips to some farms. i retired to my bed early, leaving the girls playing UNO cards alone and walked to my room, i was extremely tired so i went to sleep without a worry in the world

the next morning i woke up energized ready for the day ahead that was filled with more activities that i hoped for.

i washed up, got dressed and got ready to leave my room for breakfast, the phone rang.. as usual my cousins would call so we could meet up in the breakfast hall.

"Aloo !! "Hanan's voice came through.

"Haa, tara I'm ready ka ba6la3" i said not waiting for her to state why she's calling.

" OK , inzain curls i need to talk to you about something"

"shno laish?? " i always feel anxious when hearing these words.

"entay ta3alay my room I'll tell you "

"OK 2 mins bas a9ik jan6ity w agfelha w I'm coming" i ended the conversation.

my stomach started to hurt, i hate this feeling , i prepared myself for the worse, i wasn't thinking anymore when i grabbed my stuff and started throwing them in, i grabbed my diary and placed it on top of my clothes before closing my suitcase.

i grabbed the keys to my room and went on my way to Hanan's room.

i knocked the door, she opened almost immediately, her sisters with which she shared her room were already out to breakfast.

"Ha sh3indech??? "i asked as i sat on a chair.

"Curls ... ams after we finished playing UNO we were talking about guys and we mentioned 3ali and a7mad, we were arguing about who was more handsome "she said while looking straight into my eyes.

"Okaaaaaaay !!! w ba3daaaain " i didn't understand what she's getting at.

" well , we talked a while about them ba3dain we asked saroo if she knows if 3ali has a crush on any one in school, or if he likes any girl or something "she just stopped and looked at me. Sara is 3ali's and ahmad's only sister, and being the only girl in a family of 5 boys she always tends to be a bit boyish until after much grooming she finally became a refined lady.

i was confused beyond recognition, i didn't know what's going to happen , i didn't know what's she's getting at, i couldn't even figure or predict what words are coming out of her mouth next.

"sarooo said enna she doesn't think inna he likes any one but she knows that someone likes him"she looked at my eyes again as if she's waiting for them to respond to what she's implying.

i was still silent ...

" well .. galat inna you like 3ali "she blurted at once at stood there silent waiting for me

my heart raced', my breath became shallow 'No .. NO .. no one is supposed to know' i thought, my mind wasn't functioning properly my brain suddenly shut down.

i looked at her .. " w on what bases did she made this conclusion? "i tried to seem calm.

"well she said inna she read ur diaries .. aand ... "

i didn't wait for her to finish i heard enough, i was bubbling with anger, my insides were burning, not because Sara said that i like 3ali, but simply because she dared to invade my privacy.

" shnooo ?? she read my diary ??? how dare she ?? " i yelled ..

Hanan was taken aback, she was too close to me to be alarmed by my raised voice .. she pretended to lower my voice as u would do to a tv, then simply said " bas u dont like 3ali,, right ??"

i hesitated a second but managed to overcome the river of thoughts flowing in my head. " of course not " i replied, but still angry, i couldn't stay there any more ..

my voice started to crack and my tears were on their way to my eyes and i had to go .. i had to run .. so i headed towards the door and walked away..

" ma tabeen tetrayegain ?? " Hanan called after me..

" la2 baroo7 '3orfety .. " i answered while slamming the door

it was a corridor between my room and hers .. i ran through it tears trailing on my cheeks, thinking of nothing ... and guess who just happened to be standing just opposite of my room..

YUP .. HIM ,, 3ali

he looked and me .. his face puzzled ... i looked at him ... drowning with my own tears..

" Curls shfeeech ?? " he gaped at me

" walashay " i unlocked the door and got in, not giving him a chance to even have a second look at me.

i threw myself at the bed, crying my eyes out .. i didn't know what to do ... i just cried and cried. then i went over to my bag and grabbed my diary .. i opened it and started tearing every page that had his name on it ..

Knock ... knock .. knock

" Curls ba6lay el bab , it's me Hanan "

" mabe .. GO AWAY "

" Curls yala 3aad , u can talk to me "

" mabe .. call my sister , i wanna talk to her "

Ala2 my older sister was much more than just a sister, she was a younger mother if that would make sense. i trusted her to make the right decisions for me when i didn't know what path should i choose.

a couple of minutes later , ala2 came and got in the room. she sat next to me on the bed ..
" haa , shfeech ?? what happened "
i told her everything except for the part that it's true that i like 3ali, and when she asked i shook my head denying it.

" Curls dont lie, i know you do " somehow she knew a lot of things i never told anyone.
" but it's nothing, i just like him .. shno ya3ny it's wrong ?? " i protested.
she laughed at me " i'll go talk to sara w ayeech ba3d shway .. ok" she said as she stood to leave the room. i just nodded

she came back telling me that sara just made that up w that she never read my diary.

" 3ayal why did she say that ?? " i didnt understand.
" ga3ed tet7arash feech .. yalla gomay tara el ba9 na6erna ta7at .. w 3mame ygoolon la tet25eroon .. warana a whole day of ta3ab " she smiled

i got up and prepared to go out yet again, decided that i should not talk to sara until she apologizes , which she did .. w everything went smoothely afterwards ..

HE never knew what happened , he only knew that i cried coz his nosy sister read my diary, he never even asked what she read or said.

Life in the middle of nowhere

2009-02-25T19:27:00.003Z

You're alone, You're thinking what brought you here, You're wondering is IT worth leaving your family and living in the middle of nowhere ??!

where you spend most of your nights alone, switching the channels of your TV hoping something good is on, or shifting in bed at night after you saw that horror movie and you cant sleep, or maybe just a bad dream that woke you up in the midst of the creepy night?

Do you feel IT is worth it, when you get out of Uni after a long day and you get back to an empty apartment where you dont even have something decent to eat, the fridge is empty and you end up eating a pot of yogurt while facing your damn TV.

Is IT worth it, when at the weekend you find yourself roaming the streets alone, not knowing where to go or what to do.

It's frustraing I tell you, living here in the middle of nowhere, the only rock that i have to lean on , the only shoulder that i have to cry on, the only arms that i have to hold me at night .. is HIM .. but sometimes He's not there, sometimes He's just not available, sometimes He's away ... and that's when i crash, that's when the ghosts haunt me at night, thats when life seems to get harder and the universe seems to get heavier.

I'm sick, my whole body aches, my throat is sore and my head is killing me... i need my mum, i need to lay my head on her chest and feel safe and good, i need her to stroke my hair so i could feel better, i need her to make me a glass of hot milk and honey to soothe my throat. i want her to come check at me while i'm sleeping at night just to make sure i'm ok, i want her to kiss my head when i'm asleep ... coz just right then the whole world seems to open up infront of me and i wouldn't feel so bad.

There's something about Moms that no one can ever replace, no matter how hard they try no matter what they do ... my mum just do it BEST.

Mummy i miss you :( , life here in the middle of nowhere SUX

5. What happened in Summer 2000 ??

2009-02-22T01:25:00.005Z

Summer 2000

We all went to Europe (WE includes: my mom, dad, siblings, my 3 closest uncles, all my cousins, and of course our family friends). Oh and Europe means Germany and Austria ... He he :P
It was amazing, fun and simply incredible. it's great to be able to cut loose a bit from my siblings and instead be with my cousins.

well, i cant babble alot about the whole trip coz it almost took a month, but i sure can take a stroll around Memory lane for a few minutes.

First week...
we landed in Munich, Germany.
it took us about 30 mins to get to the hotel, i only remember that i was extremely tired from the flight and as soon as we got there and my dad and uncles went to the reception to get the rooms, i simply just threw myself on one couch and trailed to my dream land , i barely remember someone waking me up and taking me to my room that i shared with my beloved older sister.

when we took a considerable amount of rest we went for a walk at night in the silent streets of Munich, we had dinner at McDonalds, then went back to the hotel for a fresh day. i remember at the walk back we saw a couple kissing on a bridge .. and we would all turn around as we passed them to see .. w our moms yelled at us :P he he

The first week was busy, from salt mines, to the zoo, to ice caves, to Hitler's weapon factory, to a lot of places i cant remember.

Second week...

we took a bus ride to Austria, the ride there was fun especially when we crossed germany and they had us stand on the borders , when there was only a line drwan on the ground that seperated the two countries.
i had one foot in Germany and the other in Austria ... now who had been in two places at the same time, Huh ??? :D

In Austria we went to a great little country town, that was for relaxation, but us kidz didnt like the doing nothing thing, so we went roll-skating, mini-golf, and the best of all staying late at night playing UNO cards. Oh and there was this one place where we went up a mountain by the telepherique (or telefreak !! :P) and got down sliding on a cart , it was extremely FUN.

Third week ...

we went to vienna for shopping, the time for our moms to get what they were waiting for so patiently :P

and by that time we were all so eager to get back home... and so we did.
what did all that have to do with my story??! well simply that i got much closer to my cousins.

sooo.. nothing happened in Summer 2000 :D

Deep in the dark sea of depression

2009-02-16T16:44:00.006Z

i close my eyes in the hope that all of this is just a glimpse of a dream that i never will be able to remember after i slowly start opening my eyes.

i want this whole Crap to disappear coz i simply cant take another second of it , i don't want to realize that after walking miles and miles in this pitch black tunnel i still cant find the light at the end.

the forest of thoughts that started forming in my head was beginning to scare me, the branches are getting tangled and the roots are tightening on my nerves, I'm feeling numb, my body cant seem to bring itself to make a move, my lips cant utter a word and my heart is dead with all the darkness.

i can feel my brain swelling with failed ideas to get out of this misery, i can feel it getting bigger and bigger, yet there's no way out, there's not one simple way to relieve me of this huge burden I'm carrying on my shoulders.

i tried, i honestly tried walking in every direction, searching in every corner, staring at every face but none seemed interested in giving me the answers, should i always have to suffer? should i always have to witness the pages of my success flying away from me.

I walk after them , i sprint, i run ... but they're gone.. and I'm left with the ruins of my once perfectly drawn life.

i stand here now with a heart that can no longer pumps the blood through this weak body; that can no longer endure the winds of the hardships; that can no longer stand against the waves of this sea of depression.

~Depressed~ Obviously

4. Before it begins.

2009-02-16T13:38:00.004Z

The next couple of posts are going to be out of my diary, resembling the most important events over the years, but first a short post about ME at the time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7 years ago,

I stayed in bed staring at the digital clock at my bed side table it was 11.53pm, every minute that passed seemed to take a year, time was passing very slowly. Eventually I gave up and laid on my back, stared at the ceiling instead and thought about the lyrics of the latest hit backstreet boys single, I tried to sing it but I have totally forgot the tune and ended up laughing at myself, I turned again to face the clock it was 11.58 now, a smile crept on my face as I waited for the last 2 minutes to pass, not so long after, the big clock in the living room played its usual song and I sprang out of bed to my sisters room next to mine, I jumped on her bed and yelled “I’m twelve , I’m twelve finally”.

I don’t know what was so special about turning twelve it’s not like I’m turning eighteen and getting my driving license, or turning twenty and kissing goodbye the teenage years , all I know is that I remember that day so vividly because in that day as a birthday resolution I decided to start a diary.

And so my adventures started, at first I had no idea what to write , I had nothing worth mentioning in such a precious diary, but with the days and years that followed this diary became full of words, full of events, full of ME.

I was only 12, nothing in life mattered much, my life revolved around school, home and most importantly the family gatherings every weekend. I am blessed with a huge close family you see, that’s why the best time of the week was when I reunited with my cousins to laugh, play and talk about everything going on in our lives.

“ambaaai , did you see the new BSB video it’s great” hanan exclaimed

Hanan is my closest cousin she is 3 years older than me but we were the best of friends, We did everything together, sometimes we even tried to buy the same clothes so we would be identical we told each other everything and anything.

“waaaai3 7ananooo , it’s silly !! ” I’d reply.

Backstreet boys, N’sync and Westlife was what we lived for obviously, I wasn’t Oh-so-charmed by them but I guess I followed the trend at that time.

My dearest cousin had a crush in every 2 weeks on one of the boys in one of the bands, she’d go on and on for endless hours about a dream she had about one of them or about the lyrics of one of the songs and how she thinks it resembles her feelings or whatever.

I was always the quiet person, I was the good listener and I listened to her happily and no complaining involved.

3. Reflecting (Part 3)

2009-02-07T15:08:00.005Z

Haaaa tga3deeny wenty tnameeen ?? "

I snapped out of my dream into the world of reality... I was still seeing her though, she was still there, and she was for real. I closed my eyes again 'please don’t go, please, pretty please' I pleaded in hope that I would continue dreaming, when that hope slowly faded, the dream disappeared and stored itself in the folds of my brain.

“ I WAAAANT A BAAAABY ” I cried, looking at HIM waiting for a response.

He was still staring at me, his face was without expressions, then suddenly his mouth formed a smile slowly turning into a wide one, his eyes got smaller and smaller as his puffed cheeks pushed them.

A Roaring laugh followed, It kicked me out of the bed as he jumped on me yelling “ba3ad 3omriiii” still laughing “we will have a baby, bas kilshay ib wakta 7ilo”

That was not satisfying to hear “Shno ya3ny kilshay ib wakta? Ya3ny meta y9eer wakta??” I huffed and puffed. He just smiled and laughed at me.

It was always like that between us he laughs at me whenever I get mad at something “you look cute when you’re mad” He’d say in response. I’d get furious at first but after a while when I realize that I can’t hold a straight face around him anymore a smile would slowly be the end point, our fights always ended in laughter.

I always reminded myself of how lucky I am to have him, he bares with me like no one could, and believe me I’m sooooo not an easy person.

I get mad at the smallest things and in seconds you can see me enraged, I take the tiniest remark and make it a personal thing, I’m stubborn and my head is harder than a mountain rock, I don’t talk, I always bottle up and instead of pouring my heart to a person I’d rather pour it in my journals and believe it or not that was the biggest Stone in the way of my perfect marriage ... I don’t negotiate and I like stuff my way, I’m very closed up on myself and to top all of that, I’m EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional, my tears come gushing down my tears at the simplest words.

So again I’m really lucky to have HIM... HE somehow was able to put all of that behind him and love me selflessly, unconditionally, and ultimately.

How did all of this begin you might wonder ???
Simply 7 years ago, when I was only 12 !!

2. Reflecting (Part 2)

2009-02-03T21:10:00.007Z

I pushed the door open and got in; the security guy looked at me and smiled.

"Hey, Good morning" I said smiling back

I walked to the elevator and pushed the button ... 4th floor, I waited silently, it stopped ... I walked to the door of my apartment and rummaged through my handbag to find my keys.

As soon as I got in I dropped my bag and headed to my room, HE was still in bed sleeping while hugging the covers so tightly you'd think he's afraid they would escape.
I smiled at the sight of him and sat softly on the side of the bed, kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair.

"7abebi ma taby tgoom, t2a5ar el wakt" I leaned on him

" Mmmmm ... ba3ad shway .. Bas 5 mins" he shuffled in bed.

" Inzain bas 5 mins ... ba3dain tgoom 5ala9 .. tara aket 3alaik mai "I threatened

I laid in bed next to him and stuffed my arms under the pillows and stayed like that for sometime... Thinking stuff over and over again.
How it all started then it ended and how it started again ... it all seemed to me as if it was out of a dream, a dream that was too good to be true.
"But hey it did come true, and I can’t be any happier" I thought and smiled to myself, I closed my eyes to rest them and in not more than a few minutes I was fast asleep.

***************

I have a daughter she is almost 3 years old, she was playing with another girl her age in the park , they were running everywhere laughing and kicking like there was no tomorrow, I looked at them from where I sat on the bench and smiled “what a beautiful girl I have brought to life” I thought .

She was fair with dark brown hair and big doe eyes, those of her father, her eyelashes were long and bordered her eyes beautifully, that I have to take credit for. Her hair was tied in a short pony tail and she was wearing a red dress that was too fancy for a day at the park but she looked simply gorgeous in it.

My phone rang, and the sound of my ringtone was begging for me to pick up, I put my hands in my bag searching for my phone not wanting to take my eyes off my sweet little daughter, not able to locate the damn phone I lifted the bag and started rummaging through it until I found it but it stopped ringing before I could pick up.

I lifted my eyes and my girl was running after a little pigeon trying to get near it but she was running towards the pond and she wasn’t even looking straight.
I panicked I ran after her like crazy...Thinking “my sweet little miracle”

***************

It's Raining

2009-01-30T10:18:00.006Z

9a7 lsanik EEYORE :P

.. in this rainy weather shayleen shlalatna w ray7en el chalet :D .. i love going there in winter it just suits my mood .. dont get me wrong i'm not a gloomy person .. i just love gloomy weather :P i think it has something to do with me being born in summer ... Hmmm !!

1. Reflecting ...

2009-01-25T21:48:00.012Z

" well then , that's all for today .. see you on Monday ... and have a nice weekend " The professor ended his lecture as he turned away to the computer stand.

the rustle of papers and notes filled the huge theater that we attended for our daily lectures, everyone stood up picking their bags and laptops while laughing and chatting away, making their way out of the theater after a long week filled with projects and essays.

i stood up from my chair at the far right corner of the theater and picked up my notes, placing them neatly in my bag ... then closing it, i wore my jacket picked up my bag and placed it on my shoulder and started my way up climbing the stairs to the door, most of the students had already left.. it was only me and a couple of girls who were still chatting, one of them was waving with her hands everywhere while the other made faces indicating how shocked she was at whatever they were talking about.

" Oh My God, did he actually say that? How could he ? ", I overheard the girl with the stupid faces.

I approached the door and they both fell silent and looking at me they smiled, i smiled back and pushed the door to get out.

the hallway was empty, i walked silently while a thousand thought raced in my head and the only sound i could hear was the clicks of my shoes on the marble floor.

as i got out o the university and reached the street my thoughts were invading my brain like an army through war, and i had to shake my head every now and then trying to clear it but no use.

i thought about my unfinished project that i had to complete soon enough, i thought about my presentation that gave me the creeps, since i have stage fright and my face would get all red and hot as soon as i see people looking at me expecting something to come out of my mouth, i thought about my list of notes that were supposed to be finished before the weekend !!

then i thought about my family back home, oh how i missed my sisters.
Just then HE slipped in my mind and a smile formed on my face, i always thought i will get married the usual way, i always said that I'll definitely be a part of an arranged marriage, where his mother would have seen me somewhere in a gathering and would ask about me, eventually she'd come to our house to ask my hand in marriage to her son. thats exactly how i thought it would be cause i knew myself, I'm not the kinda girl that would go for a relationship, i cant handle it and i cant keep a secret.

But that was NOT the case !!

Home sweet home :D

2009-01-24T17:12:00.004Z

Exams are sooo way back wara '6ahry, w now that i'm home nothing feels as great as being surrounded by the people i love the most.

It always feels invigorating stepping out of the plane and placing my feet in Kuwait's airport, somehow i feel like a rush of happiness just crawls on me and i smile like its the most natural thing to do ... looking at people who are waiting to board on their planes .. and still smiling .. knowing that they are asking in their minds .. "shfeeha hal5ebla smiling at us" ... and yup i'm still smiling cheny maynoona .. going down to the stands where they stamp the passports before going to pick up our luggage (madry shesma halmokan) , w still smiling at the employee ..

"el7amdella 3al salama e5ty"

"allah ysalmik :D" lel7een shaga el 7alj ..

walking to the luggage and still smiling w ana na6ra my bag to come out .. then .. waiting

waiting....

....

....

waiting bas lel7een smiling

....

....

still waiting ....

ra7ow el awadem .. my smile is fading ..hmmm !!

la7'6a chenna thats my name on the board there ..

Bags that weren't loaded on the plane
Curly Curls

WHAAAAAAAAT ???!!!

" Honey ...!!" calling out to my hubby

" na3am galbi" looking at me from where he stood.

" ta3al shoof shno hatha , waaaai God laish chethy 7a'6y .. why why ?? laish something has to happen everytime, laish it's never a peacful ride to home ? "

"he he , 7abebti dont be so dramatic" he said while laughing.

" it's not funny , lo jan6itek chan ge3adt t9are5 3ala kel wa7ed belma6ar ... hmm " and i gave him a look.

it appeared that my bag was the only bag not loaded on the plane , and after my hubby did the usual procedure they said they were going to bring it by our house first thing tomorrow ... not-so-surprisingly it still hasnt arrived :S

Hmmm !!

2009-01-22T07:27:00.003Z

I'm tired, sick and really miss home :(

I hate exams, I hate that as soon as they start i begin to have these unbearable, persisting headaches that wont go away until the last day of exams, i hate that i get sleep deprived ... i love my sweet hours of feeling nothing, and just being oblivious to what ever is going around me.
I hate how i cry at night mn el5ar3a mn the last exam that i haven't had the strength to study for coz I'm simply just too tired.

Anyhow, anyhoo .. in 2 hours i should be heading for my freaking last exam.. alla yester :S

EEYORE !! ... Dont u just love this thing ?? :D

2009-01-21T15:49:00.011Z

Yesterday after i got out of my exam .. i stumbled into a bookshop (hehe stumbled , its like i never meant to go there) anyway .. i saw this cute page-a-day calendar and i had to buy it ..

i got home and i instantly started unwrapping :P and i went through the past days since 2009 started and read the cute Quotes , and i fell in love with my calendar <3>

P.S ,, the background are my stupid notes :P

Update !!!

2009-01-20T17:40:00.003Z

I woke up today at 7am, the sun is not even up yet, '3a9eb shela3t nafsy mn my bed w went to the bathroom .. i washed up and prayed .. then went to my stupid notes that where scattered everywhere on my desk.

i tidied up the place then started studying till 12pm that's when i felt my head is going to explode .. so i slept for an hour and when i woke up i changed and went to the uni for my much feared exam.

It was raining ouside and it was still dark even though it was only 2pm,the weather was simply gloomy.. and on normal days, on days when i dont have exams and when my brain is soo fresh with no numbers and formulas,no ions or atoms... that weather would've just been how i wanted it to .. so i could take my reflecting walks alone just roaming the paved roads and looking around at people..

But today i needed some sun to brush away all the tension, nervousness and fear that started to build up inside me.

by the time i was at my uni, i had half an hour to get inside the exam hall and prepare myself ... and GOD how i hate this moment, my stomache starts to flip and i feel that i'm not ready yet.. and to come and think of it i never for once deshait an exam w thought that i'm prepared .. Hmm :S

2 Hours later ...

El7amdella ... El7amdella
i actually think i did GOOD :D

This Is sooooo NOT happening ;(

2009-01-20T01:23:00.003Z

I finished my exam at about 1pm , I was already feeling sleepy and very dizzy but Curls el thakeya went and had a nice cup-a-coffee ... sooo i couldn't sleep ... w i was supposed to be resting to study for my next exam ...

After hours of useless net surfing .. it was 6pm

My dearest Calls ... ...

" 7abebtii ma tabeen tadrseen ?? "

Curls, " Embala, bas ba3d shway !! "

" Galbii bas mo bacher ur exam ??? "

me smiling " Laa2, mooo baacher on Wednesday " replied w 7addy laid back w relaxed on my bed..

Curls then chena felt something is wrong ... *thinking I'll just take a look at my time table*

20 Jan 09 ..... Tuesday .... EXAM

OMG OMG OMG ... i freaked out .. checking my phone ... OMG its 8.30pm .... I'm sooooooooo gonna fail .. of course that was accompanied with hysterical crying and panicking ...

I took my notes from their hide out w started calming myself down .. At 9pm i started studying .. It's 1am now .... I'm gonna rest for a couple of hours to get back to studying with a fresh brain :(

ed3oooly ... really Don't wanna fail ;( ..

I'll update tomorrow

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride !

2009-01-19T17:10:00.011Z

In my case , always a Blog-follower never a blogger ... until now !
After much thought and consideration I decided I should join this world of unravelled secrets and unknown personalities.

I first stumbled upon blogger when I was going through some work for my school project, frantically typing words on google trying to find something relevant to the actual topic I'm supposed to search for, eventually I clicked on a link ... aaaaand a BLOG, I read through the first paragraphs and it was captivating, I had no more time to waste .... so I added the link to my favourites and continued my hopeless search for pieces of useful information.

In a few weeks time I was addicted to reading blogs ... but it took me much more time to start one myself ... anyhoo anyhoww ... here I am ... publishing my first post ever :D

P.S I don't yet know what this blog is going to be about .. but i guess I'll figure that out soon enough ..